111001, 2306hr, illinois time.

i know i've been terrible with updates these days. been really busy, with my midterms, and recuperating from my midterms. the last midterm i had was on wednesday, actually. tuesday night, i couldn't take it anymore, i simply couldn't stay up anymore, because i already did that for my political theory exam the day before. as a result of that, my biomed imaging exam on wednesday is somewhat screwed up. i say somewhat because i could have done better than that, and i wanted to whack my own head for being stupid after the paper, but at least i won't fail. yeah. i said the f word. fail. [haha i'm corny.] by the way, i failed that communications exam. sigh. am i disappointed? very. do i feel stupid? very. was i very sad? very. am i going to drop the class? no.

i refuse to drop that class from this ego of mine. i cannot give up now, and having put in so much effort, i don't want to. i cannot accept failure till the final grade comes. i can't emphasize anymore how important this semester is to me - because i'm trying to do everything right this semester, and trying to see if i can actually do well, for once. if i give up now, it's like saying i cannot. and i don't think i'll be feeling relief, from having the burden off my shoulders. instead, i think it'll be an even bigger blow to my already diminishing self-esteem. so i think the better thing is to just hold on, and try even harder. i'm a stubborn kid, i know.

even the political theory exam that i have painstakingly and sincerely prepared for the past week, may turn out to be a disappointment, i won't know till i get my results back. but i didn't feel comfortable during the exam. not like my japanese, or my international relations exams, which i came out from knowing i will do well. so well. sometimes, the correlation between results and effort isn't as strong as people like to believe. it really is not. the correlation of effort and disappointment is quite definite though, when the efforts didn't pay, this i learnt the hard way.

the class timetable for next semester is already out, and i have to decide what classes i want to take soon. will i have to do extra hours again? am i going to japan next year? i don't know. firstly because i don't know if this semester will turn out a success after all. and secondly because psc still hasn't gotten back to me about my exchange program proposal. sigh. i'm worried about my present gpa being the problematic factor, cos they did state a minimal requirement for one's results before they would consider allowing an exchange program. only with this american system, i don't know if my results actually constitute a second upper class honours kind of standard in the british system. confusing. and i'm terribly paranoid that the reason they're not replying to me yet is because they're checking up my records and feeling disgusted with the Bs and Cs i've gotten. argh. i should stop thinking about that, i should just patiently wait for the reply, cos the more i think about it, the more miserable i feel. and it might just be my own paranoia.

sigh. i should shut up already.

sometimes, i get tired of myself, thinking of these depressing serious topics like results, studies, money. it's not that there aren't happy things happening in my life. there're still a lot of sweet people in my life, a lot of funny things happen everyday. but somehow, these happy thoughts don't stay in my mind long enough to leave enough of an impression to prompt me into writing an entry about my so-called happy life. i'm sorry. i'm just tired. tired of myself. and i want to run away. now.