081001, 0447hr, illinois time.

i think i should stop writing entries at 4 in the morning and get some sleep instead. i'm ruining my own health like this. bleah. headache still there. bleah.

i called home this morning though, and it brought some stability into my life. been so stressed up the past days, studying, worrying, and generally feeling down, feeling suffocated by a lot of things that are happening to me. but somehow, having talked to my dad, and my brother [my mom was already sleeping,] suddenly nothing else really mattered, everything is really quite manageable. i whined mildly about my finances, my dad reminded me that he gave me a supp card, there's always this security net beneath me anyway. and then i realised that i'm putting myself through an unnecessary perception of danger when really there isn't any reason for me to worry. i felt quite bothered about not having talked to my mom for her birthday, i still feel quite bad that i didn't wake up early enough to call him to catch her before she goes to bed. but my dad told me about the dinner they had to celebrate her birthday and i felt much better. like at least without me, she still had a lot of blessings i guess.

my elder brother just left for japan last sunday, so they celebrated my mom's birthday on friday, in advance, sort of as a farewell dinner for my brother too. i felt this tinge of sadness when i heard my dad say that. i miss my brother, though he's been so mean to me and all, i actually miss him. i really do, i've not talked to him since the day before i left singapore, because somehow he's always not in when i called home, and now that he's in japan, all the more we won't be talking on the phone. after all, his phone card is reserved for his girlfriend, he doesn't like to reply my emails, and i don't even know his phone number. i don't like feeling so distant from my brother, especially when i feel like he's deliberately keeping a distance from me. it feels especially futile for me to be thinking of him, when i know that he probably doesn't do the same for me. i suffer from unrequited love from my brother. that's how pathetic i am.

i miss my mom too - for some weird reason i'm just worried about her. i don't like not having talked to her for so long. i don't like the fact that she didn't laugh even once the last time i talked to her. i don't like wondering why she went to bed so early when she would usually stay up to watch some TV. for no good reason, i'm just worried, and anxious to talk to her. but i'm having difficulties waking up early enough to not run late for class, not to mention call home, so i feel terrible about not acting on my worries and making more definite efforts at calling her to tell her i'm thinking of her.

i intended to talk about happy things in this entry. about how my dad joked that i shouldn't worry about my exams because being his daughter, i shouldn't have any problems, and i suggested we do a DNA test just to make sure and my dad laughed. i wanted to talk about my younger brother's new digital camera, that sounds so cool i want my own. i wanted to talk about how my brother asked me about my christmas plans [he would be in germany by then] and i apologetically told him i have plans already, when he laughed and said he's got plans too, what am i sorry about. really, it wasn't a bad call home at all, i had fun talking to my dad and my younger brother, they're as supportive as ever, i was so thankful i talked to them, i still am. but somehow, right now, i feel terribly sad. thinking about the two i didn't get to talk to.

i guess it's too easy to fall prey to self-pity and homesickness at 4 in the morning. i should stop writing entries at 4 in the morning. i should get some sleep, really. and stop crying.