270901, 1645hr, illinois time.

my exam sucked big time. i think i'll fail. argh....... let's see, when's the last time i felt so terrible about an exam. probably just about a year ago, for my electromagnetic fields course. that fateful semester when i practically murdered my GPA and academic self-esteem.

i'm extremely upset, very disappointed, because i actually thought i was handling this class pretty well. unlike the above-mentioned course in that semester, i did all my homework on my own, i thought through the material on my own, i took care to verify my notes, to clarify my concepts when i can. i thought i was doing ok. i thought i was on the right track. and *plat* cindy crashes and smashes herself into a wall again.

i probably sabotaged myself again. thinking about a certain person i shouldn't think about. embarking on cleaning/baking/packing/thinking projects spontaneously the past days, distracting myself from the studying. sleeping so fucking late last night i was practically a zombie during the day, though i tried to take a short nap before the exam to rejuvenate myself. panicking during the exam knowing fully well that i don't function well when i panick.

this is my first midterm of the semester, and i'm off to a terrible start. i thought i could pull this off, taking an overload of hours, and blah blah. but apparently i still can't. upper level engineering classes are really too tough for my mediocre mind to handle, i guess.

cheryl sent me an email today, acknowledging my snail mail to her. and saying that she's surprised i think so lowly of myself [i was explaining my commitment phobia and what happened with E.] i think many people will be surprised huh, that despite appearances, i'm more insecure than not. apparently i don't look as pathetic as i feel. some people tend to glorify the things i do. i'm really not that cool, that smart, or that nice. but so many people told me such wonderful compliments, i lost my head too. and i began to think i could do things that are in fact beyond me. like this exam. like my grand plan of cramming classes so i can go to japan for a semester.

i learnt in my social psychology class that self-esteem is a transient component of one's self-concept. that it changes with situation, more affective than cognitive. yes, it's a matter of feeling. not about reasoning, not about a list of positive and negative qualities. ok, making a list, i'm not that bad at all: i'm healthy [more or less], my family is intact, i'm at least above average in my intelligence, i have some really wonderful friends, i am not out of money yet. but you know what? i still feel like shit now. alvin offered to take me shopping [though he won't pay for my purchases of course. unless i marry him. haha..] tk's trying to cheer me up now, over icq. joen has been really sweet leaving encouraging words in my gbook. all these sweet folks make me feel so much better.

but i still wish i had something to show for my past month of hard work in my class. i wish the exam wasn't so difficult. really, it's not a matter of the whole class doing just as badly. but that in the last couple of minutes of the exam, when the prof told us to wrap up whatever we were doing, i thought, wrap up what. i don't know anything anyway, i wasn't writing anything. because there wasn't anything in my head.

that's a very crappy feeling. i hate feeling stupid. i don't deserve anything if i don't even have my own brains. and right now, i feel stupid.

talk about a downward spiral of emotions......