160901, 1455hr, illinois time.

i've not been in the mood for writing here, hence the lack of activity here. instead, i've just been surfing, other people's sites, to see if they do talk about it, to see if i'm the only crazy person who's not likely to let this tragedy out of my mind anytime soon.

it's really not out of my mind, at all. though i go about doing the usual stuff, cooking, baking, talking, doing homework, like nothing's going on. my friends here and i don't talk about this anymore, just cos we're all sick of talking about it. i'm having a very aggressive discussion with wallace right now, because i was pissed off by his nonchalance. now we've moved on to talk about the nonchalance of the general singaporean population. of course, other people are talking about this very actively, like pei, these people at ling's site, i like addy's entry on 160901, and many many more. more personal accounts, about personal friends who are still missing, or finally hearing from someone who had been missing. like i mentioned before, this is massive information overload on me. but that's really something i have to do, when i cannot formulate my own thoughts properly. unlike the people in [or near] new york or washington, i don't have a personal stake there. yet, unlike people in singapore, i cannot stay out of this completely, because i cannot hide from the blatants facts about cruelty of life, evilness of politics and fragility of life. there's nowhere to hide, and i don't wish to hide.

so the only thing i do, is read about how everyone else feels, and hopefully find someone i can identify with, and have him/her tell me how i'm feeling. because though i know what's inside me, i don't know how to say it half as well as i wish i can. i'm still stubbornly trying to find the words to express myself. sigh.

* * *

i had a very eerie dream last night. i dreamt that my body got colonised by some weird alien/insect species. they're very tiny, they just stay in my body, under my skin, in little patches. i can try to squeeze them out [somewhat like the way you squeeze your pimple i guess, eew!] and they'll come out in black and white semi-mushy gunk, that turns out to be the eggs or something gross like that. and the only way i can completely clear that patch of my skin of these little things, is make a cut on my skin to expose the stuff, and then to squeeze till all the gunk is out. so the whole time, i was just there, putting cuts onto myself, to squeeze the black and white stuff out, till i see only blood, and no more black and white specks in my blood. as i bandage up my wound, i would of course naturally spot another area that is infected, and needs to be cleansed. it's just so damn gross, that i cannot rid myself of these things.

and then somehow, real aliens turned up, in the form of smiley super power people, who could not be defeated, cos they're just so much stronger than i am. i don't remember what they were trying to do, but i remember i was the only one in the house, because my fellow fighters were lured away to fight someone else or something. i think it's related to those gross things growing in me, they wanted me, specifically. i was so scared, because they were just grinning, inching in towards me, and no matter how i fought, i could not get away from them. they were not hurting me, but i was terrified. i don't remember what happened eventually that let me get away, i think there was something about throwing pepper at them, so they'd sneeze, but that's not important.

i just felt so freaked out by this dream. having weird growth on me, nothing new. i had a strange bump on my face when i was young, [i actually had to go through surgery to remove it.] and a strange uneven patch of skin on my right thigh. and a something on my left thigh that looked like the one i had on my face. the way my mom puts it, i have a lot of toxin in my body, manifested in these ways. very scary. and the strange smiley aliens? now i think it's funny, but in the dream, trust me, they looked so scary. very sinister.

* * *

something more trivial, the lion dance troupe is having a performance about a week from now, originally the proper lion dance performed by shaun and tk, but shaun's hurt his back, so that's not feasible anymore. after some shuffling and whatnot, turns out i'm going to perform drums with shaun and our other qualified drummer cynthia. god, i suck so bad at drumming, maybe to do with my low self-esteem as well, whatever, but i'm just stressed up. i have just about one week to practise. shit.