120901, 2155hr, illinois time.

obviously, this shocked me a lot. when alvin first told me it happened, i couldn't quite believe it, i thought he was kidding with me. though of course, i was wondering why there was such a huge crowd at the cafe watching the news. in fact, why was there a huge screen there showing the news? but of course, being my usual blur self, it didn't quite register that something huge must have happened.

after the shock wore off, was sadness. sadness for the random people who happened to be on those planes. the regular folks who went to work on such a regular tuesday. the usual visiting crowd at the world trade center. i'm sure there're even the unluckiest people who happened to be there only out of coincidence. like a delivery boy? a classmate today told us his uncle worked there, and escaped the disaster only cos he went out to buy coffee. how lucky is that? and similarly, thousands more people can be equally unlucky.

we had this intensive class today talking about this, for my international relations. the question of what terrorism acts aim to achieve. what america can do. if retaliation actually works. the international response to such an attack. the difference between this and the pearl harbour attack. the american presence in the middle east. america as the international police. america as the sole superpower of the world today. the new world order.

this incident sparked off all these rational thoughts in my mind, like the steps the american government has to do. the message conveyed, in all parties' actions. i actually wrote some emails to agnes and gang, telling them about the impact on me, and told them of my analysis of things. that's my intellectual response...geekily watching the news, doubting the credibility of the media sometimes, and wondering what this means to america and the international political scene tomorrow.

emotionally, the impact is much bigger than that, and in fact bigger than my words can ever convey. i'm just not descriptive that way. what if this had happened one of the times when i was there. or when any of my friends were there. i have friends in new york, what if one of them happened to be there, for some trivial reason. really, it could have been any of my closed ones buried under the burning rubbles; one of my closed ones who turned to ashes, to forward some terrorists' agenda. i had goosebumps just thinking of that.

i couldn't write about it yesterday, cos i had my fingers on my keyboard, and couldn't think of the words that could convey my feelings adequately. the kind of hollowness in my chest, sickness in my stomach. dizziness. and you know what? i still don't have the words. i think i'm just too much of a feeling person, irrationally, as i saw the fires, smoke columns, the ashes, i felt like my own world has been burnt too. and the skies are gloomy too.

i should stop now, because i'm very unhappy with how my words have come out. i can't express myself.