080901, 1655hr, illinois time.

you know what to do when you're feeling down? 1) smile more. 2) get into the sun. at least it's worked for me today! :) there's more psychological study basis for the first tactic, which i just read for my psych reading for class next monday. supposedly, there're 2 possible reasons for that. one, the muscle contractions on your face allows more air-cooled blood to flow into your brain, hence physiologically inducing more pleasant emotions. second reason is, one aspect of self perception [ie what you know about yourself] is self inference. ie, you know what you're sad, because you looked at yourself and saw that. put in simple terms. so similarly, you can feel happier by actually smiling, cos your mind would be saying, "if i'm smiling, i must be happy." very subtle, but it works.

as for the sun, sunshine works wonders on perception, brightens everything up, visually at least. suntanning fries your skin, make you forget everything other than that goodness of the heat. sometimes, a pleasant distraction is really what you need.

i reread the description of my INFP type, and more i read it, the more i identified myself with it. i do hope it's not a case of self-fulfilling prophecy, cos i'm so sick and tired of circular/cyclical reasonings like that. after reading all that, i feel so much better, and more ready to embrace the idealistic part of me, and the self-introspective habits. i always had people tell me that i think too much. so much till i confuse myself. but really, i don't have a choice. i realise it's not a matter of avoiding the questions i have, because i intrinsically need to seek those answers in order to feel complete, and satisfied with myself. terrible habits of an INFP. it irritates the people around me, i know. but heck, i'm not ashamed of myself. i really need to know. and i would like to believe that because i ask those difficult questions, i am closer to the answer, than the people who didn't know to ask.

and because of what i know i know, [and similarly what i know i don't know] i don't like to think of my decisions as being impulsive, or irrational. i may appear irrational, but even my own confusion makes more sense to me, than your supposed logical arguments. i may have a problem with self-expression, but not being able to explain doesn't mean i'm necessarily wrong, or silly. i've really tired my best to tell you my feelings, but you continue to thrash everything i say. i've become too tired of defending myself. so stop trying to provoke me, i don't want to argue anymore. i would rather just trust myself. and believe that this is for the good of both of us. despite all that you say, i do not, and will not, regret all that i said, and all that's happened. if you do regret it, i'm sorry. to E, i'm really sorry. but not for you, stop saying it like you're the victim. i'm sorry for us, because even if you feel that it's possible, i feel that it's wrong. and that's all the reason any break up would need. don't ask me why, again and again. i just know. and don't ask me to give up my trust in intuition. it's all i have.

i don't even know why i wrote all that out, it just flowed. he doesn't read my journal, i don't think so. anyway, thanks to everyone who's offered advice and support during this difficult time. i do hope it'll be behind me soon. moving on. before i get sucked into a never-ending turmoil with a person i used to like.

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oh, by the way, one good news i found out yesterday. on our jc class homepage, there's an online poll for mr/miss green pasture contest. the reason for such a name is intuitive, but anyhow, so far 7 of us voted. and apparently i'm ranked top among the girls so far. wow. though i voted, i swear i did not tilt the results that way, in fact i gave myself scores much lower for all the criteria than the resultant scores. think when the poll picks up speed and hopefully more people vote, the results can be more realistically reflective, cos not trying to be modest mind you, i do think the results are ridiculous. in the mean time, check this out. moment of glory!