070901, 1635hr, illinois time.

i saw this girl last night at the coffee house who had this lizard tattooed on her lower back. she was joking with her friends, that some guy once mistook the lizard for a chili pepper or something like that. [actually it does look a little like chili padi. hahaha..] i remember when i filled out the 50 questions there was a question asking about tattoos, and i said the day i do it would be the day when i am either greatly hurt by something/someone, or extremely happy, in order to justify the pain. some time ago, lynn asked if i would ever tattoo too, so i thought about it a little more.

i figured i am less likely to permanently mark my body with a tattoo for something negative. [if it's really something terrible, cross my fingers, i think i would not be able to forget it anyway, there's no need to put something in place to remind myself, whatever function the memory might serve.] instead, the reason i ever tattoo would be to mark a happy milestone in my life. something that i would want to remind myself not to take for granted, not to forget. and the only occassion i can think of right now that will be of such multitude, would be my wedding.

i take the institution of marriage quite seriously. i'm conservative in this aspect, in the sense if i do marry someone, i really intend to, by hook or by crook, spend the rest of my life with him. [which is the reason why right now i don't foresee myself ever getting married, but that's another story for another time. haha.] but i'm also aware that marriage takes a lot of effort and work, there's bound to be a lot of trying moments through this whole span of our lifetime. so wouldn't it make sense, that i should have something close to me, that will constantly remind myself of the commitment i have made, and remember the love that i had to make such a commitment.

hence a tattoo. it's closer to me than a ring can ever be.

besides, i'm not exhibitionist [haha, imagine an online journalist say that. haha.] and i won't be putting my tattoo on a very prominent spot. if the tattoo is going to be so important, i don't think i'll want it on display for the world to scrutinize [if anyone ever rudely does that to someone else's tattoo anyway]. there're only limited areas on one's body that one can possibly hide a tattoo. hmm. so isn't it appropriate that the one man i tattoo my body for, shall be the one and only man who will get to see it? hmm. the way i say it, it sounds too erotic. hehe. oops.

* * *

in view of what happened the past few days, of course i gave a lot of thought into the whole notion of being in love. being in a relationship. being me as a person and me as half of a couple. the concept of being in love still evades me, maybe because i'm not ready to throw my heart into the whole turbulent sea of unknown emotions yet. but i still have beautiful impressions. plato says there are 4 levels of knowledge, the lowest level being shadows and images. and that is where my knowledge of love stays - mere impressions, vague feelings, floating ideas. through what other people tell me about love, and what i read, i get other explanations of love. love is when you know all the flaws and like the flaws too. love is when the fluttery feeling persists even when he farts. whatever, everything everyone tells me. and that only encompasses the 2nd lowest level of knowledge - opinion and beliefs.

i wonder if anyone actually gets beyond these 2 levels. hmm.

my over-analysis of this issue [trust me, i spend way too much time on this] makes me a terrible lover. because i scrutinize every little bit of the relationship. i doubt his declarations of love. i become such a difficult person, when i'm actually with a guy. because i start demanding these answers from him, and usually he doesn't know either. and that's where the problem comes in. i cannot accept myself as half of a couple until i can be sure that that is where i belong, that the emotional linkage he and i share, is real. i would hate to be deceived. even by myself. but it's so difficult..so difficult to find a satisfactory answer on my own. and yet, without the answer, i will forever be on my own. sigh. what a dilemma.

i think that's where my problem is. i need to trust someone else enough to say, "heck it, we'll look for the answer together." because i simply cannot do it alone. and since i've not found such a trustworthy guy yet, guess i should give the issue a rest. and concentrate on being me, without couplehood. life is simpler that way, which is how i want to lead my life, for the next year at least. i'm messed up enough without a guy.

hmm.

pause.

sigh.

the above sounds increasingly like self-justification to the wrong i've done. the choices i've made. the flaws to my judgement. but so what, i need this. to let me fucking get on with my life. please, let me be. please.