210801, 0535hr, illinois time.

look at the time. god, what am i doing up so early in the morning? i have no freaking idea. i went to bed at 11pm last night, wanting to wake up at 8am this morning. sigh. but i can't sleep anymore. cos i can't breathe.

for some weird reason, the lozenges that tk gave me made me throat feel a little better but my nose also got all stuffed up. of course, it might not be his lozenges that did that to me, might just be the bad air that i took in today while running errands in our bustling and overcrowded campus. but anyhow, while i previously only have sore throat, now i also have a stuffy nose. sigh. and therefore, i can't sleep. i get bad dreams when i can't breathe properly. i remember before i woke up, the dream that i had involved this waitor who didn't know what butter pecan ice-cream was. hahahahahaha.....

anyhow, about my problem breathing, it's got to be the air in my room as well. it's still quite moist and humid in my room, i don't think the water that leaked into my closet is completely evaporated yet. i wish my idiotic junior had turned on the dehumidifier during summer as i had requested him to. grrr. i wish i can turn it on now, except it's quite a noisy machine and cw is already sleeping.

by the way, cw's such a sweet guy, he fixed the drawer, went out to buy lozenges and even offered to cook for me. despite his usual sarcastic manner, he's actually quite nice to me. but i didn't take up his offer of cooking my share, cos i'm going vegetarian this month, don't think he would want to cater specially for my needs, knowing how his meals always have quite a substantial meat content. heh.

went out with priya, shaun and lynn just now for dinner at kamakura down neil st. i couldn't eat the vegetable tempura meal because of my sore throat, so i had the vegetarian stir-fried soba instead. hmm. too oily, i had no appetite, and ate like barely 10% of it. i packed the rest of it, intending to bring it home after that. but apparently i forgot to take it away when we left the restaurant. argh. that's $10 wasted, i think. damn.

i don't know why i'm going vegetarian either. maybe because i had too much oily meaty stuff in singapore. maybe because i want to try my self-discipline. maybe because i think i need to redeem myself for my wrong doings.

i'm not even buddhist, i don't know how going vegetarian can help me redeem myself, but at least it makes me feel better. i've done some wrong things, had some evil thoughts, i can't elaborate, because i'm ashamed of what i'm doing, what i've done, and i'm not ready to tell everyone about it. quietly, i want to try to get a peace of mind by "cleansing" my diet, if that works, and at the same time try to sort things out.

i don't know how i got myself into this mess either. and funnily, everyone seems to think that i'm in the land of bliss, with E being so doting and everything. hmm. i guess that's the problem with being too stingy with information, nobody knows exactly what's going on. everyone assumes the better side of things. and i don't want to be explaining and justifying myself to everyone. why should i? i really just need to convince myself. and unfortunately, i can't even do that. i don't know how i'm going to get through this. shit.

ah, i'm rambling. rambling in riddles and codes, nobody knows what i'm talking about, i sound like some crazy woman talking to herself. sigh. what to do? it's after all only half past 5 in the morning.