210801, 2225hr, illinois time.

today is the most depressing day of my life. or is it?

no, my throat is not better. no, that's not why i'm depressed.

he just dumped me. not really his fault, cos i told him the whole truth and asked him if he wants to dump me. after half a week of deliberation, he decided to. oh well. i saw it coming.

maybe someone would say i'm dumb, for letting such a good guy go. that the other guy is an impossible choice. that E is so much better. but i realise something. something that reduced my doubts, my guilt and therefore my agony - it's not really my choice. anyone who gets emails from my yahoo email account knows my signature: The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to those things - Woody Allen. wow. me identify with woody allen. cool.

actually my heart is already rather tired, from wanting so much, for so long. my heart wants a break. my heart wants to recuperate, stitch up all the gaping wounds, and toughen up a little before trying new adventures again. so maybe this is a good thing that happened to me. i just don't really feel it now, but i can see it being actually beneficial. ah, am i being self-delusional or optimistic? hmm. whatever, it doesn't matter.

just now, tk and i were playing a fool, whiling manning our lion dance troupe booth for quad day (sort of like eca open house day) and he drew this dotted line around my right wrist, and wrote, "cut along the dotted line." that was before i found out about the decision. ah, he had premonition. i was wondering why i woke up so early in the morning today too. ah, i had premonition. that something was wrong. something was going to happen.

if this were to happen to me a year ago, i would probably be bawling my eyes out and crying that the world has come to an end. but hey, i'm not doing that now. i'm surprised at my recovery skills. i guess that's how one trains up for disappointments. you go through lots of them till you become numb to them all. till you realise that the rest of the world is just as bleak as your life anyway [screw those happily attached people, they're faking it, i'm sure. haha] and there's no reason to be upset.

yes, i guess that's how i'll describe what i'm thinking now. yeah, this is no big deal. it's happened before. it'll happen again. better save my tears for more important stuff. like a soppy movie.

besides, it's really hard to have a good cry when you can't breathe through a sore throat and a stuffy nose. trust me, i tried.