080801, 1120hr, Singapore time.

i have effectively 9 days left. 9 days to spend time with my friends, family and E. it feels quite weird, suddenly realising how little time 9 days really is. 9 days is nothing...i came straight home after last semester, i'm going back to uiuc just about in time to prepare for the next semester. i am spending maximum time possible in singapore, and yet it's still not enough. it's probably to do with the fact that half the time i had, i was on attachment, not much of quality recreational activities then. but still. i'm quite greedy. i want more time. i want more time in singapore!

problems with my japan exchange decision also involved the question of summer school. if i do go to japan, i will have to study summer as well next year. which means i won't be coming home next year. which means i will not be home for 2 years. unless i come home for winter, of course. hmm. i'm thinking too far ahead, thinking about too many things, i'm sure.

someone expressed disbelief why i should be unhappy with myself, and recommended me a site to look at. yes, i've looked at it, thanks, J. it makes sense, i know it does, to go straight to the problem/pain and confront it, in order to overcome it. this is something that i believe in as well. but it's so difficult. i don't claim to be a very strong person, really i'm not. i do look forward to the day when i have the will to do what i should do. assuming what i'm thinking now is the core problem, of course. how can i even be sure that it is? argh. dude, i need a therapist. eek.

no, i guess things aren't that bad right now. i'm not depressed anymore, i think i'm fine now. sometimes i still get frustrated, but that's normal, isn't it? i know of someone who repeatedly tells me how jealous he is of how blissful i am. but i wonder if he realises that it comes with a price. i'm sure he knows i'm really just heading for more pain. and i'm sure nobody really wants me to fall down so badly. i wish i can say that i'm still in control, in this aspect, but truth is, i don't think i am anymore. like i've mentioned before, some things are not within my control. such as my feelings. the only thing i can do, is to try to minimise wrong decisions, and try not to cloud judgment with emotions. but we all know how difficult that is. did i already mention i'm not a strong person?

sheesh, the more i talk about it, the more pessimistic the situation seems. i was just telling jun not to be too pessimistic [his ex-girlfriend is leaving for overseas studies, he's losing hope of winning her back. i mean for him to be more optimistic about finding another girl, of course. i don't actually believe in turning back, either for him or the girl.] and yet i suffer from the same problem. look for the silver lining!

ok. well. at least i have 9 days. sob.