010801, 0123hr, Singapore time.

i've been going out everyday the past week, at least. i feel quite guilty wrt my mom, cos i know she's sort of freaking out that i have less than 3 weeks in singapore. hmm. sorry.

but frankly, i do feel quite drained, going out everyday. i don't know how i ended up with so many appointments. sort of maybe a matter of bad planning, panicked a little when i found out that E won't be back till friday. guess it didn't feel quite right to be home too early, when i know that he's not going to call. talk about routine. talk about dependency. sigh.

the policy development program i'm attending this week is somewhat more interesting than i thought it would be. some people i met were nicer than they last appeared to me. some people worse, of course. but anyhow, still quite an enriching experience. it gives me certain ideas about what kind of work i want to do, what kind of civil service i want to be involved in. which is probably the point of this program - to start people thinking about the whole scheme of things in singapore, and start planning where they intend to fit in.

anyhow, i feel drained. for various reasons. ah, tired.

ming asked me just now, what kind of things get me down? i really didn't have an answer then. thinking about it now, i think i know. i get defeated by my low self-esteem problem. i still do have an esteem problem, i know that, though of course no one can tell, haha, the power of public image sculpturing. sigh. still grappling with what i'm good for. certain things are for sure, of course, after years of self-therapy and evaluation, but most of the time, i still beat myself up quite badly over things that fall short of expectation. it's shameful, that of so many people in the world, besides a select few of have rubbed me wrongly at one point or another, i am the one who likes me least. sigh.

i think this self esteem problem extends to other things that affect me quite badly too. friends' problems - because i establish my social function as a friend who is there for my friends, my failure of which, i beat myself up. relationship problems - it becomes difficult to believe the guys who like me are even sane, and i beat myself up for being unable to love these guys, despite anything and everything. using a cliche analogy, it's like because i'm not worthy of too much attention, i chose to hide my heart behind these sturdy thick walls. apparently, the walls inspire certain guys to want to climb over to get a better look. but the higher they get up, the more i panick, and i eventually shoot them down with a super missile. haha. no, E is not my boyfriend. no, i don't love him. [love is a very serious word to me, by the way, wrt guys.] yes, i like him. yes, he's my favourite guy right now. no, he's not climbed over that wall yet. yes, i'm thinking of shooting him down already.

i think i'm a terrible person. it's been a long way since the pits, i don't take everything so personally anymore, but yes, i know essentially most of the time when i'm down, i'm really just angry with myself. that's the kind of psycho person i am. haha.

by the way, since i know ming reads this, shout out to her: cheer up! you know i love you!