270701, 0950hr, Singapore time.

i believe that too many things are not within my control. i know there're people who believe that everyone is in control of his/her own life, things will work out the way you want them to, or if you're too weak, the way you allow them too. yet, there're also people who believe in there being a larger order in life, controlled by destiny, god, fate, celestial forces, whatever they may call it, such that even the times when you feel that you were making a choice, in actual fact the choice had already been made for you, like way in advance, only you were guided towards that decision. what do i believe? i believe in destiny. he believe in complete individual control, which makes him a lot more pragmatic than me, i guess.

but regarding the matters between us, i become the more practical one. [damn it, isn't the girl supposed to be the more idealistic and romantic one? haha.] i think of the future, i think of potential problems, i doubt our relationship. [can someone say paranoia?] but really, i wonder if i want to carry on, and just see what happens. throw my caution into the wind, put my heart out, all in the name of youth, courage and love. or should i investigate that gnawing gut feeling. that instinct. that hunch that i have to do something before it's too late.

of course i'm thinking too much. i know that. he's not saying anything, i don't think he'll ever bring it up, knowing the guy he is. there's nothing wrong right now, of course, everything is fine. i wonder if he remembers my birthday, though i won't be bothered if he doesn't remember. actually i'd rather he not be too nice to me. it complicates things.

i'm not being the unreasonable insecure girlfriend that girls tend to sound like, i know what i'm thinking, and i have my own reasons for thinking so. take my word for it.

nobody else understands, there's nobody i can talk to, sometimes i feel more alone talking here on the journal, than i actually should be. i'm really just talking to myself, but i feel like there're so many ears pricking up to hear what i'm saying, and i can't say anything anymore.

this entry is getting tiresome and incoherent, and it's going nowhere. maybe some thoughts are better kept inside my little head after all.

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and i had more to rant about at the fight page, btw. if u're self-righteous, stupid, anti-gay and christian, you shouldn't go there.