| 1700h
Feeling... a little warm, and sticky Happiness of the day: I did much better than I had expected on my semi-conductor exam. Event of the week: Mambo party at my house this friday. I was reading my paper journal thoroughly today. For no good reason, other than that I didn't feel like studying yet. yes, I have a ridiculous amount of work and studying to do, but I spent the whole afternoon reading frivolous ramblings of myself. I have my priorities real straight, man....This is my 4th paper journal, and the only one I have with me right now. the other three are all in Singapore, nicely sealed up in a shoebox. Not like there's anything to hide in those 3 anyway, I started writing in primary school, detailing things like what I ate for lunch, when we shopping and what homework I had to do. The juicy stuff were all found in the 4th journal...which I read today. It started about the middle of sec 4, and I wrote really irregularly. And every single time I wrote, I made this point-form summary of what's happened in my life since I last wrote. And I mostly talked about my darkest fears, my vainest wants and most unbelievable beliefs. Things that no one else knew. And it's amazing, that as I read them now, I feel like I'm just getting to know myself again. In sec 4, I was still so innocent. I talked about studying, worrying about scoring too few As for my 'O' levels, worrying about which JC to go to....those frivolous little things that seem so far away from me now. i actually made a list of pros and cons of going to the 2 JCs I was thinking about, and sounded genuinely so troubled. I was so adorably innocent, I swear. In the middle of my 'O's, I wrote about my grandmother who passed away. It took me a month after her death before I could really grieve. I broke down and couldn't stop crying, writing that journal entry. I still remember that particular entry so well, when I started to beat myself up, for being as heartless as to take so long to cry. Then I got swept away by the wave of events after 'O' levels, going into JC, Orientation, Huang cheng preparations. By the time I wrote the next time round, I was already raving about what a great guy ws was, and the sweetness that perpetuated my life then. I was so happy... Then the later entries dealt more with things closer to me right now, things like my scholarship, like studying overseas, like lost love, like loneliness. Interestingly, I could see myself change through the journal. from the start, when I'm sweet 16, till now at adult 21. 5 years of very gradual, but definite change. I compare the online journal I have now, and the paper one that I write in only once in a while, obviously the paper one contains more intimate thoughts. There, I can be so totally honest with myself, I can shock even myself. very therapeutic, writing in there. Makes my life seem so much clearer, like everything can be put down on paper, black and white. So much easier to think, when I can argue with myself, negotiate, and ruthlessly shoot down all false self-delusions. My paper journal...I wonder what my entries now will sound like to me when I read it again when I'm 30. Too cynical? Overly serious? Actually, I think probably I'll sound just like what the 16 year old me sounds like now - just a little too young. | |