| 1330h
Mood: not too bad Happiness of the day: saw this beautiful tree on my way home. It was covered with little red/pink flowers, and had these bright red cherry-like fruits. I wonder why I never noticed them before. Event of the week: Mambo party at my house this friday. Getting a grip on myself now...I'm glad. I knew I'll be fine soon. Maybe it really is pms, maybe it's the weather turning cold again, maybe it's me stubbornly wanting to hold on to the past, I really felt quite bad yesterday. But today was a brand new day, I think I can move on now. Move on to tackle the 2 exams I have this week. Bleah. But I guess even if I do screw up those two exams, at least friday night, there's a party where I can finally vent all my frustration. It's been quite frustrating, keeping everything within myself. I don't want to say anything more, to anyone, simply because I don't want to. But it hurts, keeping things inside. I know there're always people I can talk to, but then, what's the point of telling? I will cause unnecessary judgment and trouble to everyone else. I'd might as well just pretend everything is fine. If only that something inside me will just stop gnawing at me. So today, I wrote a really long entry in my paper journal. I wrote the things closest to my heart, as honest as I could be. And it turns out, indeed, the truth hurts, but at least it's not inside me anymore. It's locked up somewhere else, where it will not hurt me anymore. There's a sense of relief, that at least now I can leave that part of me behind and start afresh. It's a beautiful feeling... to start afresh. I know myself too well, I get bogged down by history too much. I think too much. I analyse too much. Now, I can just discard everything, and start afresh. I feel as carefree as I had been when I first came back from springbreak. Like nothing matters anymore, once I just let go. There's this journal that I was reading, just about on and off. He's going to give up now... he's not going to write anymore. He says he used to write, hoping for the slightest chance that his ex-girlfriend [I presume] would come read it, hoping that it keeps him in touch with her, and her in touch with him. But he also realised that this journal of his is stopping him from moving on. He will give it up, because he needs to forget her. And I feel so sad for him. To think he wrote for her, and she probably didn't care. Yet, I know how he feels, writing things hoping that she would read. There was a period of time when I did that too, writing for others, and not for myself. It was stupid, and I realised it. Now, he realised it too, but instead of writing for himself, he decided to give up altogether. His way of letting go, I guess. To let go...it seems almost too easy, but I assure you, it's not easy at all. I say I am letting go right now, but will I actually succeed? I don't know, I'm not a particularly strong person when it comes to my emotions. But at least I'm trying...I will live for myself, my present and my future. | |