| 1950h
Mood: tired Happiness of the day: had fun at dance class Event of the week: maybe watch a movie tomorrow. I am so screwed up...... My exam was horrible...I'm having flashbacks to those horrible exams last semester. Everytime I screwed up, I tried so hard to console myself, saying things like, "maybe everyone else found it difficult too. Surely you won't do that badly..." and I still failed those exams. And today's exam reminds me so strongly of those times last semester. I stepped out of the exam hall, in disbelief at how I allowed myself to slip again. My god. I feel so stupid, not just because of the exam. But because I found myself liking him again, despite my better judgment. I know him so well, I don't understand how I managed to let myself fall for his charms. I know his problems so well, I don't understand how I can allow myself to get involved with his life at all. I don't know how I can be so stupid, allowing myself to open my heart out again. What happened to the cindy who so happily came back from springbreak, determined to live her life on her own, her way. Oops, too bad, of the most perfect timing, there came along this guy who's so horribly nice to her. I'm a freaking sucker. Yet, I know he was part of the reason why I was so happy the past 2 weeks. This time, he didn't lie to me. He told me the whole brutal truth, and I guess I had to make the choice myself. My heart or my mind? To let in or to let go? I am probably putting myself in this terribly vulnerable position again. I'm setting myself up to be disappointed. I'm not feeling particularly optimistic, obviously. There still isn't a resolution. I'm so tired...I'm tired of asking myself so many questions, trying to define those feelings that are beyond definition. Everything seems to be so simple and straight forward to him. Maybe I should learn from him, so I won't be the only one getting all flustered up. Maybe I do deserve a simpler life than this. Maybe I should kick myself for opening this can of worms. You know what's the most ironic part of this? My horoscope for the past 2 days were supposed to be perfect. Perfect for romance. Right. | |