| 1440h
Mood: lazy Happiness of the day: something very funny happened in my usually dreary ece lab today: Li and I named this file org without thinking much about the file having an extension of asm. ahem ahem ahem...... Event of the week: SSA AGM this coming saturday.
I think it all started last night, thinking about things like destiny, about what life is about, about the universe. One question just kept on popping right into my head. My friend asked, "What if there's really nobody?" My response last night was still the very optimistic "then nobody lah! There has to be a reason for it." Not that I'm taking that answer back. I still refuse to worry excessively about it. My idea is, even if I worry, it's not going to change anything, so why bother. This similar idea, when applied to simply waiting for someone, seems so much more reasonable than when applied to waiting for someone in vain. Isn't it?
I'm still too young to think so much about this, but what if. Just what if I'm really one of those that The One Up There conveniently forgot about and left to die alone until I go up there, when He'll tell me that he's sorry he forgot. Or something. What if whoever I'm waiting for really doesn't exist? Wow.....the scary part is, and there's nothing I can do about it. This is the whole essence of what I said last night. That there's nothing I can do about it. Of course, I can make choices that will enrich my life, but if supposedly the final destination is always the same, if I'm destined to indeed to alone for the rest of my life, there's nothing I can do about it? What a sobering thought.
Hmmm..... I guess there's a certain element of pessimism then, in this belief of mine. That everything is ultimately out of my control. I feel so small, so insignificant then. Once again, I feel this sense of helplessness again. Like I'm really a little piece of feather being blown around in the air. Maybe it looks very casual, very light and pretty. But ultimately, it's a display of some bigger forces manipulating a little insignificant thing. Helplessness....I'm actually in a really good phase of my life right now, so I'm not feeling sad. But there's something else I feel. In Chinese, I would say I feel wu2 nai4. How should I explain this word? I don't know how to, but this is really how I feel. Yi4 si1 si1 de wu2 nai4.....
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