| 1115h
Mood: Down Happiness of the day: lynn says she'll help me with my cee homework. Event of the week: dance performance tomorrow that's supposed to be really good. D for depressed. D for down. I won't say I'm depressed...that's too much. Too much of an active emotion, like it take some sort of energy to be depressed, to feel all those negativity. I'm not depressed. Just Down.
Bad things have happened to me. Not humongously serious bad things. But bad enough, to kill my already weak spirit. Li says I look very unhappy and she's concerned. I feel so horrible, yet I can't say anything. I don't want to, simply because I just don't have the energy to say anything. So many things. People have been exceedingly nice to me, sensing that I wasn't as cheery as before. But they don't know everything that happened, so they probably think it's just my wallet.
I lost my wallet. I'm too old to lose my wallet. Yet I did. I thought I knew where it was, but it wasn't there. I thought it would turn up itself, but of course it didn't. I really love that wallet so much. Not just because of its contents -I did have more cash than usual when I lost it, because I just collected some debts- but also because this was the first decent black leather wallet that I've ever owned. That my friends gave to me as a birthday present just because I left Singapore. That I kept those things inside it.
Screwing up my exams has become a norm for me, since last semester I guess. Except this semester I really tired to be a lot more conscientious than before. Apparently it's still not quite enough. Especially for my political science class. I did a lot worse than I thought. Things I thought I could get correct weren't quite right. Things I didn't know I should know, it turned out everyone else knew. I feel like such an outsider, suddenly, like I don't belong in this political science class or something. And to think I want to take up political science as my second major. Hah. I just sabo-ed myself.
I just want to be alone, times like this. Yet, I don't want to be. So I try to be out, in the streets, in the library - where there are people around me, and yet I can still be alone. Which I guess is why I'm so glad I have ushering tonight and the next two days. Sitting there in the theatre, I feel like nobody will come bother me, and yet I am not isolated at all. Weird, isn't it? And once the lights come up, I resume my position as the usher and smile at everyone.
I still email a lot. Happy sounding emails, most of the time, especially to acquaintances, of course. It's quite weird, typing this happy emails, full of smiley faces, "haha"s and "heh"s, when my actual face is expressionless, or even stern. It seems almost like my fingers have a mind of their own.
I feel very weak, helpless. But I don't want to ask anyone for help. Yet. I just want to rest a little. Try to get a grip on myself first. Understand what's going on. I know why I sleep so much now. I'm sure I've mentioned this before. Li says one of the signs of depression is the need to sleep a lot. Sort of a sign of escapism. She's probably right. I wish I can go to sleep, and find all the solutions in my dreams. I wish I can wake up and see my wallet there after all. I wish I don't have to dread the mornings.
But I'm not depressed, mind you. I'm just tired. And Down.
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