| 1335h
Mood: much better Fact of the day: event of the week: swing dancing. Things that were pissing me off mostly continue to piss me off, but I've already come to terms with all that. In the sense, I guess it's pure bad luck for me, that I just happen to be in people's way, and had to take all the crap. All at the same time. If these various events were isolated, I probably wouldn't feel so horrible, and I would probably have just come out and bitched about them. But put together? It's just too much, can't do it. But people have sent me regards, and I really appreciate it, sort of touched that no matter what, some other people do care about my feelings. So thanks, guys.
Sometimes I feel like I'm too weak too, to not lash back and hurt those mean people the way they hurt me. I have friends who will not hesitate to retaliate, at least in the form of vicious bitching or direct scolding. I can't do it. [Yeah, Po Chin, I'm also afraid of confrontations. Though probably different from the way you said you are.] I'm getting better at showing my feelings, but I always tend to stop myself before I've fully vented my anger, because I can't really stand hurting other people. I used to think this is a positive quality, y'know, all the stuff about being kind and sweet, now I'm not too sure. Keeping all the anger in myself is just keeping me pissed for a longer period of time, and making me meaner to the people directly around me, even when they're not at fault.
Like just a few minutes ago, I was extremely sarcastic to Alvin. I think I really hurt his feelings, so I'll probably have to go apologise later. He's also one of the people who has pissed me off, but he's not the worst. But I was so mean to him, simply because he's so much closer to me than the others are. And of course, also because he happened to have irritated me with his nonsensical yakking just now. But still, now I feel so horrible, like I misfired. Know what I mean?
I don't enjoy being mean. Maybe that's why people feel so comfortable dismissing me, and not fear or worry about my reactions. I won't hack them into pieces in the middle of the night. that's why. Who knows, someday I will.
| |