| 0915h
Mood: feeling like I'm the stupidest person on earth. Fact of the day: The barcode first appeared on Wrigley's gum. event of the week: Doom Week now, and counting down to next week, also known as Yippee Week. Yesterday turned out to be worse than I thought - like screwing up my exams enough to feel ultra-stupid isn't bad enough. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. First of all, I made the terrible mistake of driving out to the supermarket, while it was snowing. I guess it really wasn't too urgent, but Li wanted to go buy some stuff, and I have plans to cook for some of my friends on Friday and realised that I don't have any decent ingredient in my fridge except eggs and erm, milk. Also, I was so demoralised after my exams, wanted to take a break, so I said, "Ok, let's go hurry up buy, relax for a while lah." Reason why I had to hurry...I had some homework to finish grading by 5pm. It wasn't a lot, so I didn't think it was a big deal.
I freaking didn't manage to get back till 5.30pm. From a supermarket barely 10 minutes away, I took freaking more than 2 hours. My car took some time defrosting -the doors were stuck, we got stuck in the snow a few times, I was driving really slowly because I didn't want the car to skid, and basically I hated my car by the end of the trip. On my way home, everything was fine, I was in control of the car, more used to guaging the situation and avoiding doing stupid things like braking too quickly. But in the final obstacle, my car failed me......on the slope up to my house's backyard, we got stuck. As in the car refused to go up. My neighbour was trying to get in too, so she was quite pissed that my car was blocking the driveway. A guy stopped by the road and finally managed to help me get the car up. I'm not too embarrassed, cos after all, I'm an inexperienced driver and it is a difficult task, driving up a slope covered with snow, with a car that's already not working too well. But I would say I'm pissed. Pissed with the amount of time I wasted on that one shopping trip, pissed with spending far more money than I should because that supermarket is more expensive, and btw, my neighbour was so bitchy about it instead of feeling sorry, I felt pissed. Argh.
So when I came home, and there was a huge stack of dirty dishes in the sink, I got even angrier. For the past few days, I've already been quite irritated that someone in the house has been eating my food without asking for my permission. I can be nice, it's not like the stuff he's taking is very expensive, but I freaking hate it when people assume that I'm ok with everything and take advantage of me like that. So when I saw the dirty dishes in the sink, that was the last straw. Doing dishes for everyone else in the house just because I can't stand the mess is just too much already. When Li pointed the dishes out to me, I basically growled, "don't wash. I'm fucking pissed." and walked out of the kitchen.
Remember, at this point of time, I still had grading to do. My hair was disgusting from the snow, my clothes are wet, I was cold and everything, and I still had grading to do. But it was already too late, so I emailed my TA and told him and I couldn't do it. After that, he came over and picked up the ungraded homework, because he needed them graded in time for the student's final grade distribution to be tabulated. He didn't really scold me, but I felt really bad. And irresponsible. Of all things, I can be stupid, bad driver blah blah...and now I'm irresponsible too. I felt like I was the most useless person on earth.
Of course, it didn't help that later that night, the housemate who eats my food did it again. Right in front of me. Without asking me. Gggggrrrrrr........
Days like this, my self-esteem is at the lowest ever. My school work sucks, my practical skills suck [ie my driving skills], my overly-nice disposition brings me more irritation, and I still have a lot of studying to do. I fucking want to scream, but I can't. No time. Gotta study. I think I'm so psycho....literally boiling with hostility and still just sitting there, reading my textbook. In fact, I looked so quiet, I guess people felt a need to talk to me. Alvin asked me how my exam was [ie the one that I screwed up], I said "shaddup" and shut the door in his face. I feel so bad now, cos he's not the one who's pissing me off. But yes, that's how I was feeling yesterday. High-strung with hostility.
The last time I felt this way was some years back, when my parents scolded me for no good reason and I couldn't really vent my anger on anything, because I know if I showed my anger, like throw things in my room or something, they will be even angrier and the scolding will just never end. I had to release all that energy in a noiseless manner, so I broke a pen by punching scrap paper with it. Funny huh, now that I think of it...even when I'm venting my anger, I'm so politically correct. I used scrap paper.
Man, I hate myself.
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