| 0315h (161100)
Mood: very bad Fact of the day: event of the week: at the end of Hell Week, I swear I'm going to dance my heart out. I did cry, Agnes.
I found out the grades for one of the exams I took this week, and it has basically upset me very much. I freaking failed again. Sigh. For a different class this time, which reflects how more than one of my classes is being screwed. When Li told me that the results were out, I thought I was prepared to face it, so I logged on to the class online gradebook. But when I saw my results, it turns out I'm not prepared afterall. Sometimes, my optimism overestimates myself. I don't know whether I was too optimistic in estimating my grade, or about how well I handle failure. Either way, I was not emotionally prepared to see my failing grade.
I was in a state of shock for a while, so it felt surreal for a while. Like I knew that I was very sad, yet my actions showed none of that. I went to have dinner with everyone else, I was reading a magazine, I was even choosing happy songs to play on my hi-fi. All the while having this weird funny feeling in my mouth and nose that I didn't understand. Till I realised that I was biting my tongue. Haha..like how can anyone bite his/her tongue without knowing it? That's how weird I am, I guess.
Then, Agnes called. I was already pretty depressed before I checked my grades, and I sent her an email. Perhaps she felt that I needed some friendly support and called me from Singapore to say hi. I very calmly told her that I failed my exam. Then she asked me to cry. She was talking about how sometimes it's better to just cry..but I refused, because I didn't want to waste her money on a long distance call just to hear my cry. At exactly one minute before her calling card was going to run out, the funny feeling in my nose intensified and I really started crying. But I kept talking, and insisting that I didn't want to cry. Ha..the stupidity of it all, saying "no no, I don't want to waste the 1 minute" all the while tears were already all over my face.
Soon, her calling card ran out and the call got cut off. I called her back immediately. She was surprised that I called, I was surprised too. I don't know, I can get all philosophical and say how I longed for a familiar and soothing voice from a friend so far away. Maybe my subconscious says that, but for now, all I know is, I very instinctly just punched in the numbers to call her. We weren't really talking about very important things, mostly about the romantic affairs/troubles of our common friends, so it was a frivolous thing to do.
We did talk about our studies for a while, and she adviced me to move on and not dwell too much on the failure. Funnily, her words sounded exactly like what I would have said to myself, but somehow, it felt a lot better to hear it from her. Lying on my bed, phone to my ear, joking and teasing each other, for that half an hour, nothing else mattered.
Shaun once asked what I write here: things I want to say, or things I want people to read. It's probably a combination of both, one of the gray areas in my conscious mind. But this entry is definitely something i want people to read. Specifically, I want Agnes to read this: I really love you a lot. Such a knack you have, calling me just when I needed such a call. Poking me in the right direction just when I was driving myself down the wrong depression road. Such a simple call, you made me cry. Thankfully. I will always remember, on 15 Nov 2000, just when I was utterly depressed and waiting for someone to notice, you came along and reminded me how silly I really was and how friends like you do exist.
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