| 0015h (161100)
Mood: fine. just a little tired Fact of the day: Whoopi Goldberg's birth name is actually Caryn Johnson. event of the week: plenty of work to do. I'm back. Heh. I ran away for a week, to New York, for my thanksgiving break. And I'm proud to say, I totally enjoyed myself there. The glamour of Time Square and Broadway, the peace and quiet of Central Park, the intimidating class of Madison Ave, the energy of the city....I can go on and on, yups, I soaked myself in. All the way. Heck care the money, the things waiting for me at home, blah blah blah.....heh, I was determined to not waste my vacation at all.
Little glitches happened along the way, mostly little reminders of how this is a mere vacation, but it didn't matter. I realise it is possible to make myself happy after all. I was happy to buy a leather jacket for myself, buy a sunflower for priya for being such a sweetie, stuff myself with the most sinful cheesecake and french fries....so many things I can do that actually made me happy. I wonder why I never thought of doing these things here at chambana, to cheer myself up. Maybe cos they're not permanent, but hey, I learnt that nothing in this world is permanenet and static. I'd might as well just grab the moment and live. Aha. revelation.
I feel so rejuvenated! I won't say I'm in the most wonderful mood yet, cos coming back and checking my homework list brought me back to reality very quickly. But at least now I feel like I have the energy to complete this semester after all. It's been a mostly lousy semester, but I can finish with it. Much of my distress is due primarily to stress over my school work, and the lack of a satisfying romance, but hey, things will change in the next semester. I can't really make guys fall in love with me, or whatnot, but at least I can take it easy on the workload. Financially, I still can't afford to drop both my jobs, but at least I can afford to not take so many heavy classes.
I decided to drop french for a while. I don't really need any more of the language classes for my graduation, so theoretically if I ever take it up again, it's purely for my own stubborn interest. I don't need any more dance classes either, but I might just decide to continue with it. After all, it's hard to ignore the fact that however much I drag my feet at going for dance class, I always return in a much better mood than before. I like that.
What else can I do to improve my life next semester? I don't know...I should probably hang out with my friends a lot more. I feel a little guilty for letting go of quite a few friendships. Maybe they don't need me anymore, maybe they'll never think of our friendship in the same level as before, cos after all, people move on. But I think I need to reconnect with the others. I still believe that's where my value lies, not the money I earn or my grades.
I really did a lot of thinking on this trip. Re-evaluating a lot of what's going on in my life. Emails that don't come - and guys who don't care - probably don't deserve my attention. Screwed up results are my fault - I need to stop being too complacent. Things didn't go well, but I can make some changes. I thought about death as well, as morbid as I can be. But I decided that I'm not ready to die tomorrow, which probably indicates how I've been going in the wrong direction this whole time. I also decided that I'm weak after all. Too many things are out of my control, including my heart, unfortunately. But it's ok, cos my heart is big. It's big enough to take enough crap, and I can still be a happy person.
I'm not making a lot of sense anymore. There's just too much in my mind. But to me, my mind is still clear. I know that for now, I shouldn't think of anything else but my studies. I have 2 weeks before I hit finals week. I still have a chance at B, so I should try. It'll probably be easier to just give up, and say, start all over again next semester, but I don't want to disappoint my parents. Funny huh, I'm 20 and still scared of being scolded by my parents.
Tomorrow - tomorrow, I will start studying for my finals. I probably don't have a strong foundation in my classes, but I'm gonna try to patch up the holes, hopefully within 2 weeks. The final sprint to the finish line, I guess. I'm gonna give my best. Pray for me.
| |