| 1230h
Mood: exhausted Fact of the day: event of the week: at the end of Hell Week, I swear I'm going to dance my heart out. I woke up this morning, and went, "shit." I fell asleep last night a little earlier than planned and as a direct result of that, I'm seriously freaking out over my exams right now.
Actually, I was already freaking out last night. At a friend's birthday party that I wasn't supposed to have stayed for so long, I suddenly felt an urge to go dancing. It's always been able to relax me, so I really had the crazy temptation to go club dancing. But no one was free to go with me, so I went home instead. In my dark little basement room, I survive only using my table lamp, cos my floor halogen lamp has been spoilt for some time now. I wanted to dance. Yet I couldn't. I wanted to scream, yet I couldn't. I felt so suffocated. In semi-darkness, I felt disgust at myself. For not looking out for myself. I had allowed myself to eat crap for every single meal. I had allowed myself to be overwhelmed by school work that I knew should not bother me. I had allow myself to feel too much for someone who probably didn't feel the same for me. Of all people in the world, I felt like I was the one person who was responsible for how pathetic I am now. I almost wanted to cry.
Fortunately, shaun came to my rescue. Not only did he dance with me, he talked to me. It's been such a long time since we talked. Some things still don't change, like how he cannot understand the sense of reality I feel for an online friend like him, but I felt comfort. I was glad that when I cried out for help, he came right over. I felt lucky.
Before shaun left, he asked me if I am troubled. I couldn't answer him, because I didn't know what to say. After he went home. I tried to study. But I fell asleep. And then I dreamt.
I dreamt that there was some sort of civil unrest and my love was a soldier who had to go fight or something and he put me in a temporary rest stop. He promised that he would be back for me though. He said it wouldn't be long, because he's already finished his service term and he was just going back to collect some things, and for formality sake. We hugged tightly before he left. He looked so handsome, though I don't remember what he looks like now. I waited and waited, but he did not return. The number of people at the rest stop diminished, as things began to settle down and people continued their journey either out of the country or back home. I couldn't leave. Because I was waiting for my love.
There were some episodes like funny characters coming in and out of the shelter. One of them was a guy wearing a pink suit, singing the Thong Song. It was funny. But I felt sad...really, even in my dreams, I felt this ache in my heart. I didn't know if I was feeling betrayed. Maybe my lover has died. But I still feel betrayed, because he promised to be back.
Finally, when the guy wearing the pink suit asked all of us to join him on a tour around the area, sort of like to be part of his entertainment circus/band/whatever, everyone left. Except for me. That was when I started crying. With everyone gone, I felt vulnerable. And tired. Tired of hoping so hard, tired of waiting, tired of thinking of my love. Another soldier came along. Somehow, I know him, maybe he is my love's friend. He just held me, and I continued sobbing. He led me away from the shelter, on this journey to somewhere safer I think. The whole time he was holding me, I felt safe. He had a strong hold, so everytime I wanted to sit down, he wouldn't let me and I had to continue walking. But I didn't mind, because finally there was some sort of vague direction. Finally someone was taking care of me. By then, I was sure my darling has died, but I didn't want to believe it. There was an odd degree of self-delusion that everything's ok and that he has sent someone to come for me. Finally, I over-exhausted myself, collapsed and blacked out. I died.
For the first time, I died in my dream. I don't know how I know I didn't just faint. But I just knew. I don't know why this dream seems to reflect the reality part of my concerns so much - waiting for an email that never came and another friend who comes along to give me some temporary sense of security. But in the dream, I still died. I still died in sadness, in loneliness, in exhaustion. What does that say? I don't know.
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