| sometimes in the early morning
Mood: lonely Fact of the day: event of the week Spring break is coming!
He's asked me to be his girlfriend again. Omigod. Sheesh...and this time, I decided to take a longer time to think about it.
Actually, there shouldn't be anything to think about. I don't have much romantic feelings for him, I think I won't develop any, and frankly, getting involved with a guy who's going to be my housemate for the next 2 years at least is going to bring far too many complications.
But he's so sincere, so sweet, so doting. I'm dazzled by how I feel when he dotes on me. I suddenly feel like I can finally relax and depend on someone. And how I wish I can feel like that for the rest of my life. But alas, he is not the man I really should depend on. I want to find a guy, but is he the one? I really doubt it.
If he has asked me two years ago, I would have refused right away (actually I refused right away just a few days ago...) In the past, I would have believed that I have to love the guy before I can have a relationship with him. I really thought I loved WS, but too bad, it turns out I didn't. Too bad, because I know he really is a great guy, and I probably won't be able to find another guy like him who will actually like me that much. In fact, I've even come to believe that if I cannot love this guy, there probably isn't many men left in this world that can impress me.
Anyway, I sidetracked. What I was saying was, in the past, I believed in love. Now, I don't know if I can love anyone anymore. In that case, if this guy really likes me, shouldn't it be enough? Am I asking for too much if I say no because I don't love him? After all, I may never ever fall in love.....
That was what I was thinking about as I pondered over his question. Of course, eventually I said no once more. I just cannot throw myself into yet another relationship where I don't love the guy. Maybe I'm afraid of having to break up again, maybe I'm just not ready after all. So I said no, and we're friends once again.
I hope he's not going to ask ever again. I have the strength to say no these two times, but I don't know... At the peak of my loneliness, I will be even more tempted to say yes. Sigh...I know, I hate myself for being such a weakling too...
| |