| 1700hr
Mood: tired Fact of the day: In France, they have this electronic device called the Minitel, which basically allows them to shop, book tickets and even participate in TV shows. Interesting.... event of the week none. Shaun and I were talking about logic and reasoning last night. Something about if A is taller than B, B is taller than C, then A is taller than C. Then some terms that I've already forgotten, about symmetry in the statements, parallel comparison, reflective, blah blah blah. And what the point of it all? What he was trying to say was love is illogical. Because if A loves B and B loves C, it does not mean that B loves A, or that C loves B or that A loves C.
Whoa, like it takes some logic and reasoning course to know that. Hehe. Love has never been logical. Isn't it obvious? In fact, any kind of relationship has never been really logical. But it's so easy for all of us to forget that. When I care for somebody, of course it doesn't necessarily mean that he/she has to feel the same way about me. In fact, more often than not, the emotional investment into the relationship will be unbalanced. And of course, nobody actually wants to be on the more giving end.
I remember when I was in primary 3, there was this trend about signing autograph books, because my classmates and I were going to be separated into different classes in primary 4. Being totally cute, we had some sort of biodata stuff on the books, where besides the usual information about birthday, hobbies, address, phone number, we had categories like Best True Friend, Best Friends, True Friends, Good Friends and People I Dislike. Of course, for the last categories, the girls typically write something like "All the boys except XXX and YYY." It was totally cute.
I was a very shy kid back then. I didn't want many friends. I didn't feel like I needed many friends. I was really happy just having one good friend. I still remember her name - Xiuxiu. A really sweet, hardworking, kind and pretty girl, she was what I always thought a best friend should be like. So I liked her a lot, and I really spent a lot of time with her. She was my best friend and I thought I was hers too. Naturally, I asked her to sign my autograph book.
Practically all the girls in our class was categorised into all the various levels of friendship as mentioned, but I didn't see my name anywhere. I got really nervous. Then I saw this little folded corner on the last page of her autograph. There is also this little trend, that people keep the names of their "bestest bestest" friend for the last. So I thought my name was probably hidden under that folded corner.
I flipped the folded paper open. It was not my name.
I can't even start to describe how I felt. I was not her best friend, true friend or good friend. In fact, my name was not mentioned at all, which means I don't even know if she considered me a friend at all. Her friendship with me wasn't even comparable to her friendships with ALL the other girls in the class.
I probably cried, I don't remember. I knew that the other girls in the class didn't like me very much because they felt that I was arrogant and too quiet. But I thought she understood me. I thought that she was the only one who knew who I really was. But it turns out she didn't even think of me as a friend.
I don't remember what happened to us after that. But after this incident. I changed. I became a brand new person by primary 4. I wanted to make as many friends as possible, so that somebody has to think of me as a good friend. I don't even want to talk about all my struggles with relationships since then.
I can remember this incident so clearly. I can feel the pain in my chest even now. It's all about growing up, I guess. There's nothing a kid cannot recover from. Growing up is just a series of falling down, picking myself up and going on like nothing's happened. But somehow I feel like I still can't really let this particular incident go.
It's made me wary. Scared of assuming too many things. Scared that I am not my best friend's best friend. Scared of relying too much on my friends. For the past few years, I kept that in mind and I was able to bond with so many good friends, while making sure that I wasn't relying more on them than them on me. In fact, as time went on, I got so skilled with handling friendships, I gradually forgot this stupid rule and just allowed myself to indulge in purely loving my friends.
I just had to tell this childhood story of mine. Because I think that may be why I was so hurt by what she did to me. It brought back this piece of memory. And I suddenly remember how I still have to protect myself, even against my own friends. Sad.
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