| 1400hr
Mood: tired Fact of the day: 20 hour busrides are even worse than 20 hour flights. event of the week none. I'm finally back. Omigod, there's so much I want to say...where shall I start...
First of all, about the valentine's day thing. Really, I'm fine. Things are definitely not the same anymore between him and me, but that's really quite expected, isn't it? He bought me a beautiful bouquet of red roses before I left for Philly, as a peace gift I guess. We hugged, before we said our goodbyes and that was it. We're friends again, there's nothing more, nothing less. I'm not going to allow myself to be hurt by this guy anymore. There's no reason to. My feelings for him are quite plantonic now and when it comes to friendship, I guess I'm a lot more resilient to turbulence. Afterall, practically all my close friends have in one way or another, deliberately or not, hurt my feelings before. And like I've said, they're my close friends. Probably that's the problem with letting people into my comfort zone. They have the ability to hurt. But I can get used to that. As a crushee, of course, he didn't enjoy the priviledge of my tolerance. But now, everything is fine. The Philly trip was not that bad. It was surreal, going to an American city, to meet up with so many fellow Singaporeans. We're all about the same age, we speak the same mutated Singlish, and as we crowded the Penn Tower Hotel, I have a haunting feeling like we're secondary students on a school field trip. Maybe it's one of those anticipation vs reality things again, I wish I came back with better memories about the trip. I didn't manage to tour the city, except to South St where I visited funky little shops that somewhat remind me of the shops at Far East Plaze that I used to frequent back in Singapore. I wish I could have seen City Hall, downtown Philly and such. But it's not too bad, touring the city wasn't really the major part of my agenda. I went to Philly mainly to meet my friends. And sadly, even that fell short of expectations too. She really changed. I guess it's inevitable. I shouldn't expect her to remain the same girl 6 years ago. I shouldn't expect our friendship to remain the same either then. I really wanted to talk to her. But I didn't get to. Her inconsideration for me, her enthusiasm to leave, her indifference towards what's been going on for me....I can't help but feel disappointed. I guess I have to let her go. I don't want to disown her, but somehow I feel like she has disowned me. Oh well....all this time, when I'm struggling with loneliness, trying to forge new friendships here at uiuc, I held on to this: no matter what happens, my family and old friends will still be behind me, just as much as I will be for them. But it's such a na�ve thought, I realise. Sigh....I don't know what to make of this anymore. I don't want to dwell on it, I don't want to over-analyze everything, but it seems like I already have. | |