[Written on the morning following the Purdue dinner and dance. Tired, yet not sleepy.]

I've been waiting for this night for the past 2 weeks. And now it's over. I don't know how I managed to do this to myself, but I did not enjoy myself.

Superficially, I know I had fun. We were a loud bunch of young people, we were spontaneous and enthusiastic about all the stupid table games. The music wasn't great, but we shook our bodies like there was no tomorrow. After the party, we got back to our little mortel room, to talk and basically "bond".

This is the kind of fun that I like. Yet, I know I didn't enjoy myself. Is it contradictory? I don't know.

Looking around me, my friends are all asleep. These are the people I have spent 70% of my time with for the past 2 months. But do I know them well? Probably not. Do they know me well? Probably not. Do I want them to know me well? I don't know. We are only friends out of consequence. I really wonder how things would have been different if I have just had the guts to step out of this small circle.

Just now, on the dance floor, I was surrounded by Singaporeans. Supposedly anyway. This was a function organised by the Singapore Student Association at Purdue. But they are all strangers to me too. I don't know who they are, they don't know who I am. Do we share a common bond? Possibly, but I didn't feel it. The music is loud and lighting dazzling. I wish I can just close my eyes, to get a feel of who I am again. But I can't. Or at least, I didn't. Instead, I continued to shake my body to the music. To be yet just another nobody in the crowd.

I'm feeling very pessimistic and lonely again. The world is yet again all superficial and unreal. Maybe it's the lighting in this room. Maybe it's the fatigue from too much dancing. Whatever it is, I'm going to sleep now. Tomorrow when I wake up, I will be myself again. Whoever I am anyway.