Subjects of My Sanity - Part 4 by Terrasa
Standard disclaimers apply

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~Subject: Duo Maxwell~

I wanted to cry. I would have too, if not already so used to this disappointment. I wanted to bang my head on the desk over and over again until I blacked out from the immense pain though. That was one thing I wouldn’t have been so used to.

I had failed once a-fucking-gain! Why me? Whyyyyy meeee?

Of course the little pounding beat in my head just had to answer my pathetic question.

I can not die yet.

Of course! That is always the answer! But Why? Why cant I die yet?

Silence.

There is no drum beat to answer my second question. Stupid thing in my head… maybe I could cut open my skull and take my brain out… then find out where that little voice was hiding. Heh… heh… I think I’m starting to go insane.

My eyes looked up from their gloomy staring contest with the desk. I don’t know why I decided to turn around… maybe it was because I had the feeling that someone was watching me… fuck… someone ‘was’ watching me. And by the size of that guys eyes, I’d assume he caught my little… failed suicide attempt.

Fucking Hell!

This time I really did bang my head on the desk, hoping that it would knock me out for the purpose of not being questioned by the ever observant classmate of mine. Thankfully, the bell rang ten minutes after my little torture session.

I ran from my seat, tearing out of the room as quickly as my little legs would go, praying that I would lose him in the lunch room… behind my giant pile of food! Well, it went rather well for most of lunch. I had decided that sitting where I normally sat, in the middle of everything, would not be a wise decision. So here I was, in an abandoned corner… a dark corner, heh, heh, heh. But, I am not lucky… as I have already stated, I have no luck at all in me… not one cent. Otherwise I would be nice and decayed right now!

The boy, who saw me, in chemistry, decided to make his amazing appearance half way through my chow.

Fuck. I could see him about ten feet away from me, looking around… probably for me. Ah! His head just turned in my direction! Damn, man has locked onto his target…

Approaching target…

Only two feet away from target…

Successfully made contact with target, being a panicked Duo Maxwell.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOO???

“Uh… hiya… Trowa wasn’t it?” I asked, head tilted down, eyes hiding under my massive structure called bangs, as he stood before me.

Silence.

I looked up finally, head tilting to the side in confusion as to why he hadn’t started the evil questions of ‘what kinda freak are you?’

His head nodded.

“Eh… you’re the boy who doesn’t talk!” Funny how I didn’t figure it out two seconds before… should have been obvious, no? I am so slow sometimes. Stupid me, stupid me.

Trowa Barton… a tall thin boy no one has ever heard speak. His bright eyes, I have to admit, were really pretty. Emerald in color, one slightly narrowed eye being hidden amongst the long, odd, bang thing he must think is stylish. Heh, I’m saying he is not stylish… me, the boy who has a braid and long hair… boy who is not suppose to have long hair… boys do not have long hair. Maybe me not a boy… me alien… that is why me no die. Woo! I have come to another odd conclusion about my existence! Maybe I ‘am’ from the other worlds!! That would explain why my parents do not like me… and keep me away… so I will not infect them with my greenly goo!

Yes, I am such an idiot sometimes.

Back to the present! Mr. Trowa was still standing over me… waiting… and waiting for my explanation. I was trapped! Oh no! What ever will I do?!

Trowa’s lips form a frown as the silence drags on.

“Fine! Fine! You’ve convinced me!” I sighed and leaned my back against the table top, so I could stare up at him without craning my neck too bad. “But you must promise to speak of this to no one.” I say in a squeaky voice, looking at him almost seriously. I think he actually liked my little joke… I could see his mouth twitch ever so slightly upwards.

His head nodded once.

“Ok, umm… how should I put it…” I chewed on my bottom lip as I thought of what to say.

His shoulders shrugged.

“I know, I know… but let me think for a moment, will ya? Jeez, some people have no patience.” I growled irritable.

His eyes narrowed.

“Hey! You’re the one who is demanding an answer! So be a good little listener, alright?” I pleaded, hoping he would settle down. Who knew a mute could be so damn annoying!

He rolled his one visible green eye, and did something similar to a sigh. Shoulders slumping ever so slightly. He must have decided that standing was a waste of energy, for he took the seat next to me as I worked out my problem.

“I…” Gah! I couldn’t say it! “I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I said that I was drinking… lemonade?”

His head shakes back and forth as a nice little glare appears on his face.

“Well…”

Just as I was about to spill everything… my life’s miserable secret, something inside of me went ‘click’. Ok, it was more like ‘BOOM.’ But anyways, that’s not the point. The point is that I just realized something… very important! A thought, so amazingly wonderful, popped into my head and I couldn’t help but smile mischievously at the Barton boy in front of me.

“Ne… Trowa?” He looks to me with wide eyes, probably starting to become frightened from my evil smirk. “I’ll tell you if you promise to do me a… little favor.”

His eyebrows crease together in question.

“Eh? You wont do it unless I tell you what the favor is?”

His head nods up and down.

“Fine, fine… jeez, your so stingy.” My arms crossed over my chest as I looked to him, wide smile still in place. “You have to kill me.”

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~Subject: Heero Yuy~

I cold… Its so… freezing.

I sit in my room at the orphanage, trying to do my homework that was assigned to me on my second day of high school. It was easy stuff, mostly ‘who am I’ questions that we will have to present in front of the class.

I don’t want to go in front of the class.

Shit!

I shiver as I think about what would happen if I ‘did’ go up to speak. Not that I plan on it… I wont… I wont. The shiver causes me to realize ‘how’ cold I am, my fingers are already starting to become numb. Obviously, the orphanage ran out of money again and are having to cut back on heat. The lack of movement from my hand confirms my thought that it is too cold… and I will not be able to finish my homework this way.

So what am I to do?

One of my problems… I am always so… bored. Or maybe I am clueless as to what is fun. The things I see people go out and do when bored… don’t interest me. Plus, why would I want to go out and do something that everyone else does? How is that fun? I thought fun was going and trying something new… new… well everything would be with me… since I don’t really do anything. I am such a dull person, aren’t I? Sitting at home, doing my homework… well, trying to do my homework.

Freezing myself to death is not fun… but no matter what… I am always cold. I hate it. Even when I wear a sweater it is never warm enough. I guess it’s the climate here… rainy or snowy, only sunny in the one month of summer we get. Aren’t people suppose to adapt to the climate outside? Not me, I guess, I am a freak… yes, but I already knew that.

I decide to go to bed. Seeing as sitting around being cold was not doing me any good. Who knows, I might be able to get some warmth from my measly single blanket. Tomorrow would be better… tomorrow is always better… maybe they will actually turn on the heaters at that cold school I go to… maybe the sun will be shining and I wont have to bundle up in my non-bundle-able single sweater.

Being poor sucks.

Well, I guess its not ‘that’ bad.

Who am I kidding, it really sucks!

Yes, yes it does.

The next day brought rain… no sun… all cloudy. As I woke up from the shivering like usual, I found that, like all the other times, I could not get back to sleep when it was ‘this’ cold. Dragging my feet out of bed, I went to go take my early morning shower. That was really the only way to warm myself up… although, it didn’t make me feel any better. The orphanage had the temperature fixed to go no higher than lukewarm… so the hot water wouldn’t run out as fast. I would complain, but I knew it was the only way everyone would be able to get a decent shower, what with all of the orphans we have now.

I think I am the oldest of them now, other than that willingly mute kid… but I was even at the orphanage before him. Everyone else was already adopted… but who would want me? No one.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I’ve tried, but it always makes me feel better… to tell myself that I am worthless, to remember how bad off I am. I don’t know why, I’m probably a martyr.

Yes.

Can’t change myself… too much work, and if I did change myself, I’d probably end up becoming one of them. One of the evil people out there who prey off of the ugly… prey off the weak sort of thing. All I can see the world as, is one big evil popularity contest… what else is it?

Dirt.

Yes, it is dirt too… oh and grass. But, I am talking about the people. The people that thrive for attention from others so they do outstanding things and get their pictures in the paper, magazines… models, use their body to become recognized as great…. they make money that way.

Hmm… I’ve never thought about that before…

Thought of what?

Models use their bodies to make money… prostitutes do too.

It’s not the same, baka.

Alright, alright, stop griping at me. Time for school.

Yes… one of these days I will finally lose that stupid conscience inside my mind, the one that shows me reason. Maybe it is there because I keep trying to see the bad in everything… maybe it will be there until I can stop my ridiculous game of ‘I hate the world’.

Who knows… I don’t.

Shit, The school must be cutting back on heat also. Another day of shivering… maybe another year actually… or a whole lifetime of the cold.

No… I think I’ll get out of this cold town… soon… when I can.

Move far south where it is warm… where you don’t need a heater, only an air conditioner.

Sigh. My heaven.

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~Subject: Wufei Chang~

“Baby!” I cringed as I heard that name leave the lip glossed mouth of a tall chunky woman, one of the women whom loved to torment me to no end. Her name was Dolla, don’t remember how she came across that one. “Aww, Baby come ‘er!” Her finger stuck out, fake nail digging into her tight red tank top shirt as she pointed to herself.

I wouldn’t come. That would signal my defeat.

With a huff I crossed my arms, stopping where I stood. Her blue eyes rolled up to the top of her head and she just chuckled slightly while making her way towards me. “Da boss wants ta see ya.” As those simple words were processed, I shuddered. He only wanted to see me for two things usually, for doing the books, or I had an away job.

I slowly made my way to the room, his office. It was more like his bedroom with a desk added to it. As I knocked on the other side of the old chipped painted white door, I noticed that there was a definite adding of red to it… someone must have got beat again. The blood, however, was still wet.

Kisama! That bastard always liked to pick on someone, beatin’ them up all the time for the pleasure of it.

There was a shuffling heard from the other side, and a second later the door flew open, startling me enough to take a step back. The boss stood there, well, hunched where he stood, really. He seemed pissed off about something and it seemed that he was about to yell at me before finally coming to his senses that he had ‘asked’ me to come here.

“Um’ in.” He motioned me to get into his office quickly. As I entered, I just barely noticed how he looked down the hallway to make sure that no one was following behind… it was strange. “Need ‘a ta do sumtin fer me.” He limped across the room, left foot dragging almost completely behind him as he moved.

It was then that I noticed the smell, the horrible smell that I wished I would not have been able to recognize.

Blood. Not just the stench that is from a small wound… no this was different.

The closet on the far side opened up, confirming my suspicions. I froze as the long blue bag came into view… the long ‘blood stained’ bag. The boss just chuckled at seeing my shocked expression, and for some reason I became even more afraid.

“Get use ta it.” Was all he said before motioning for me to help him carry the bag.

We ended up shoving it in his truck outside, me trying desperately not to puke the measly lunch I had that day back up. The thing inside was heavy, or maybe I was just feeling a little sick and weak. But whatever it was, I knew that I was carrying a body.

And I knew who it was too. I don’t know how… I don’t even want to remember that day at all, really. My mind has started its little ‘forgetting the pain’ process like it usually does.

But one thing I can clearly remember… is how it looked… how she looked as I opened up the bag to peek inside.

The boss had told me to go dump it in the woods… bury it ‘real good’ so no one would find it. He trusted me, of course. Which scared me to no end. I felt like he was only letting me know that he killed someone, because I was next to go… and therefore not to be worried about.

I had gotten the hole halfway dug when reality finally struck, I finally fully grasped what I was doing. And I sort of broke down, collapsed onto the ground in desperate attempt to not start bawling my eyes out. I hadn’t cried in years, but this situation was bringing back some painful memories… of dead people… of my dead parents.

That’s when I decided to open the bag… to look in and confirm that my suspicions were correct.

They were.

It was Pair. Of course it was her… why did I look? I shouldn’t have looked. It’s one of those things that my mind might not be able to forget… seeing her like that… blood completely covering her face… cuts… her neck… slit open to reveal her throat.

I puked then, and cursed myself afterwards. For I finally started to cry… so bad that I couldn’t finish what I was sent out to do.

I didn’t care anymore… if she was found… I wanted her to be found. Her murderer should be put in jail. Justice should be served…

And I was going to pay dearly for my decision to leave the body out in the open. I left it where anyone could find it… so they would be able to figure out who killed her and the boss would be put in jail.

There was a very slim chance of my plan actually working… he had never been caught for murder before, why would he be now? I was going to die. I realized that halfway back to the apartments. The boss was going to kill me… funny how I didn’t so much care anymore. Just yesterday I wanted to salvage some of my pride in my future… maybe by not burying Pair… I somehow had.

The truth hurts… it really does. And I finally found my truth… in realizing that I would only leave the business in death. There was no salvaging my pride… there was no honor to be had by ‘not’ committing suicide. Those laws were only made by humans… they were only created so we could feel like we were doing something right for a change. The laws that state what was good… what was bad… they make no difference when you are being forced to do the bad, forced to do the good. Its all in your mind… everything you think… everything you feel.

I have my pride.

I have my honor.

I have always had them. Always… doing wrong cant take them away from me… dying will not take them away from me. I will keep them. And I will die knowing that I tried to live a better life… but it really wasn’t going to happen.

 

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TBC

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