Judging by the fact that the person I had a 'date' with has not called and said the word 'friend' about 12 times as she was leaving, I'm pretty sure my preliminary ventures into the dating world has resulted in a complete an utter failure. I fucking hate my life. I wish I was white, and then I could have money and afford to be on anti-depressants. If you are a minority and you are on happy pills you are generally seen as a giant pussy, and rightfully so. There isn't a minority in this country that doesn't think that everything is stacked against them, therefore why should anyone of us get to wash away our problems w/ a pill. Seriously, I have to get my shit together. Things aren't falling apart, but everyday I wonder more and more why I should even get up out of bed�other than to drink myself to sleep. I decided last night that if I'm going to be spending my Saturday nights pathetically alone drinking, I might as well drink good beer. So I switched to Heineken. It is a buck fifty more, but worth it.
You know that point after a relationship ends where you find yourself asking if it was better if you would have never met. You wouldn't have had the happiness, but you wouldn't have the pain. This isn't she died of cancer kind of pain, this is she just decided it wasn't working kind of pain. And that kind of pain really brings self doubt and insecurities. After all, sugar coat it however you want to, but face the fact, you failed at something. This isn't, 'had to drop a class' kind of failed or 'wasn't picked for the team' kind of failed. This is big time tamale. You spent 9 months working hard as hell on something and boom, you failed down the toilet, life altering kind of failure. And see, Natasha is really fucked up. She would tell me she felt I needed to be in more relationships and I would have more experience in what it takes to make one work. People, that's some deep shit. So basically I should just go in and out of relationships, fucking around, sleeping with who ever should come across my path, which, oh by the way, is exactly what ends up getting my with some kind of disease, getting my heart broken left and right and breaking a couple of hearts along the way. Is that what I am supposed to do in my early 20's??? Fuck that. I want no part of it. If you find someone you love, and they love you, why would you let them go? What is better than being true to yourself? When I find someone like Natasha, I don't care about her past. All slates are clean. You walk in knowing that you get a free pass. You get a level of trust and little by little that trust grows. It is a beautiful thing. It is heaven on earth. And as stated before, you aren't perfect, and neither is she, but you can be perfect for each other. When Natty and I talked on the phone I had this feeling of this is going to be something special. I heard in her voice the very same pain I'm describing now. I thought to myself, no one who has experienced this pain would ever make someone else feel it. This was my one and only mistake. But as she so eloquently put it she is 'dating' now. This doesn't bother me, as much as it reaffirms just how fucked up this situation is and how much I hate my life right now. After all, she "just wanted to be alone." Fuck that, Fuck me, and Fuck her. It has dawned on me that she is the type of person that relives the cycles in her life and then questions why things never change. That's funny, sounds a lot like me.