How bad does my life suck? In the infinite amount of time I had over this weekend to ponder over my thoughts I came to one staggering conclusion. I am exactly where I was a year ago. If that doesn't suck I don't know what does. I spent this morning at star bucks, working on CAL homework, having a smoke, and playing chess with Musa. Let's see, I'm just as broke, virtually an alcoholic, and depressed as hell. All I need now is to have some kind of sickness that requires a weekend stay at the hospital. Fuck this is ridiculous. How do I end up in the same fucking situation I was in before? Oh yea, a fucking woman ruined my life. Jesus Christ, why didn't I see this coming? I guess this is Murphy's Law, whatever can go wrong, will. Those moments were too perfect. The beach, that kiss, those walks�it was too good to be true. It always is. I know I should find something to be positive about. Usually I'm an optimistic person. If only I could find something to anchor myself from and then go from there, like I had once. It seems so long ago. Yea, there is school, that's still going. I got the plan all worked out for that. The only thing I can do though is just keep on pushing forward. One day I'll wake up on the flip side be where I want to be w/ my career and education. Those are the elements of my life that operate regardless of external factors. I don't need anyone or anything to push me with that. I only need the motivation of not wanting to be a failure. Then again, if your only motivation is not failing, you'll only work as hard as to not fail. True True.
But the road traveled to that place where I want to be is a hard one filled with steeps and valleys. It is so damn hard, and it is even harder when you have to go at it alone. When there is someone there to wipe away the tears and give you that shoulder to lean on, it doesn't seem so bad. But it can't just be someone. It has to be that one person. First it was Jill, then it was Jack Daniels, then it was Natty, now it is happy hour. Maybe I should turn to medication, everyone else does it. We are a society of people doped up to the point where we don't feel happiness past a winning scratch off ticket and or orgasm and don't feel sadness past missing an exit ramp or forgetting about a sale. Why aren't there people who want to find true happiness? To me happiness isn't found in heaven when you die like the fucking religious idiots keep telling themselves. Happiness can be here and now. It's not adding and extra zero to your bank account. Happiness is in a hug from your beautiful wife, or a smile on your kids face. Am I the only person on the planet who sees that? And what is more troubling, when you have that�why would you throw it away? That's one that I'll never understand. Then again, maybe that's exactly what I did.