Used to be right around this time I would be falling asleep right beside the most beautiful woman in the world. And now what? It is 11:33pm on a Saturday. I'm home alone doing not a god damn thing broke off my ass wondering if this is the epitome of bored or depression. I haven't actually decided, check back later. What stage is this anyway? You know how after a break up you go through those stages of moving on? Self doubt, pity, remorse, regret, relief, satisfaction, and a million other feelings. I don't know what I'm at that is for damn sure. I want the same thing I wanted a month ago so maybe that means I'm at stage 1 or maybe the last stage. Certain things I want which would seem so easy to get are impossible to get from her. An active life for one is non existent, or maybe just some satisfaction. I've never short changed someone in a relationship. I hate all this bullshit commitment problems people talk about. That means you have fucking problems. Put in what you are willing to get out and things should work out. Don't put in jack shit and don't be surprised when nothing happens. I'm so ranting and just pissed. I want things to be so simple and free. I want to wake up next to her; I want to go to breakfast at IHOP, I want to make love in the afternoon and sleep till morning. The worst of it all is not knowing how to judge her feelings. How emotionally numb are you that you can totally cut someone who you claimed to love so deeply. How petty are we that our differences can keep us apart. Love conquers all. How many different ways can you show someone you love them? How many times can you beg to have someone back? As in many cases, this is a case of someone not knowing themselves as opposed to me not knowing them. And of course yadda yadda, it will all turn out for the best in the end. Whatever. I want her now here in my arms to never let go. How she could make everything go away so fast w/ a hug and a kiss. She is perfect like that. A word of advice, when you find one like that do everything you can to not let her go. She is a one of a kind. I'm still wondering how I let mine go. I was stupid. I have to live with that. Every day is punishment for me. Natty if you are out there, I love you and dream of us being together. UGGGHHH I fucking hate Saturday nights.