Man oh man was I hoping I would never have to write in this damn thing again. I know, it has been 9 months. A lot can happen in 9 months. I don't know if I should start by going forward or by going backward. I only right in here when I have no one else to talk to except myself. I guess you could say I'm a little psycho. Hmmm, that reminds me, American Psycho is one fucked up great movie. Sorry, I have a little attention problem. I try to stick to the most important things in my life when I write. Perhaps a list would help:
Natasha
School
Family
Friends
My Dreams
Humanity
Me
I started to put those in order but they say your first instincts usually correct. That's how they popped in my head so I guess that's the order. Well, first is first, Natasha.
Is it possible to be so captivated, and enamored with someone and yet some undeniably, uncontrollably frustrated. The greatest poet on the greatest day could not describe in words the love I have for this woman. But alas, she is but a woman. Where fore art thou a woman!?!?!?!? I can't take it anymore. I'm thru. Obviously that is why I'm writing. Our relationship has been through so much over the last 9 months. We've grown into each other. She is a part of me like no one else has ever been. She wasn't hope and wishful thinking. She was the very essence of love that two people could share. But her faults were to great or mine to proud to over look. Which you ask? I'm not sure. I can't take the change in feelings. I need the real deal 24/7. I need someone who knows the sacrifices that have to be made in order to achieve true happiness. I want someone that will hold our love above all else and all others. I only want what I am willing to give and that is holding that someone above myself. The two months we spent apart I spent waiting for your every breath to return. The tears we shared, the laughter, the pain, the perfect bliss that seemed never ending. How do you go on? Where do I go from here? Am I so weak because I want to be wanted? Am I so weak because I fear loneliness? God if the whole world only knew her touch. Was it soft glass? Oh yes, very much so. What I wouldn't give to have her lying next to me. I'm so happy when we are together. But we want different things. I want happiness that comes from two people. She wants happiness from self satisfaction. Obviously I can't give that to her. Where do I go? What do I do? The pain is not there yet. Not yet. But I feel it creeping in. I feel the fire of fear and sorrow building as I speak. When it surfaces what will I do? Where will I go? Is this the end of the world? No, of course not. I just didn't plan on having to start over�again. Not this time, not after her. I was foolish to think that I could spare myself from this pain again. And the inevitable question�do I wish I would have never met her because of this pain that I feel right now? I cherish her and will always cherish her till the day I die. I found love again. I know it is there.
The question isn't whether she is perfect or you are perfect�..it only matters if you are perfect for each other.
~Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting~