I have two things I want to get off my chest. Both are very troubling to me and both are causing me a great deal of pain. I'll start with a 50 cent candle.
The other night when I was leaving Natty's crib I grabbed a candle; it was one of those small scented ones they sell at Wal-Mart. I'm sure you recognize the type, small cylinder shape that come in lots of different colors. I didn't really think much of this. I was walking out after our first "fight", but I hesitate to call it that. Anyway, if you ask me now why I took it I couldn't tell you. She has probably a two dozen candles around her place. It is a lovely decorated apartment I might add. I would most likely have to say I wanted a candle that smelled nice. And it reminded me of Natty. Right now, it is lit right beside my desk. I can't really smell it, but looking at it reminds me of her and us just sharing sleep and silence together. It gives me a bit of peace of mind. What it all the discussion for? In a million years I would have never thought that one candle could cause so much of a shit storm. Natty apparently holds her candles to a degree of affection that most of us only reserve for pin numbers. I'm really trying to be understanding on this one but I just don't know where to take it. Natty apparently sees this as a display of character which I just can't see. On one hand I'm really just questioning any kind of person who would allow something so petty to undermine something to great in what we have. And on the other hand I'm really upset and hurt on a personal level that she would think so low of me that I would steal from her or not respect her or her belongings. Which is what she equivocated this too. I don't/didn't see it that way. Taking a measly scented candle that served me as a little token of someone. Perhaps this really isn't the bigger picture for her. I'm feeling and acting in ways that I never thought I would again. I'm really trying to make this work. I say what I mean about her and mean what I say, but I don't think she trusts me. I'm starting to think that that is the root of this. I'm not seeing any other women, talking to any other women, receiving e-mails, instant messages, text messages, faxes, telegrams, telegraphs, telepathic signals, carrier pigeon messages, messages from god, house calls, or phone calls. When I say that I have returned to the man I know I am I truly and sincerely mean that. I can't do anything about my past, of which she knows enough to apparently come to the conclusion that I was/am a bad person. Trust and respect are earned, not given. I understand that. But what else do I have to do. I'm so sick of this routine. I'm so sick of trying and doing what the next girl wants of me only to find out that they either want more or it's not enough or it's not appreciated. I will be a good man. I am a good man right now. All I know is that when I put my arms around her I get a great feeling. I know when I'm around her I'm happy. What else is there? Maybe I'm reading too much into this and tomorrow everything will be great. My feelings haven't changed; I'm still crazy about her. If I could I would be over there at her place right now nestled in bed whispering sweet nothings. She's still my baby, and I am very much in love w/ her.
Now to the more pressing issue; my heart feels like it is going to explode. This is getting worse and worse and I don't have any clue what to do. If I should die please remember me for my dreams. Remember me for how I lived and now how I died. I know that is some depressing shit but I'm at my wits end here. I have an exam w/ a cardiologist Thursday. Which, my parents will be paying for in cash. As if that doesn't damn near make me want to break down in tears of guilt and shame I just checked the scale and I weigh 261lbs! I weighed 258 when I got here, 245 when I left and not 261. I exercised 5 out of the last 7 days and really felt like I was making some progress. I'm doing nothing but cardio burning between 700-900 calories in a session. I really don't want things to start to snowball a week before school starts. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I'm calling but no one answers. I want to go to sleep and wake up all better. 20 year old grown men shouldn't be scared.