SEDDONISM 10

For each of my Seddonism '99 shows I prepared an outline, including several scripted links and short features. These followed the same order every day, in a hope I could build up catch-phrases and stuff. By show 10 people were familiar enough with the format to turn it on its head, but having every link turn into a row with my producer, Chris.

Introduction
...Mutes!?
That�s right.
Mutes?
Yeah.
Don�t talk to me about mutes!
<<Jingle>>
You�re listening to Seddonism on URE, with me, Mark Seddon. Today we�ll be talking to Tony Hart without mentioning Art once.
And we�ll be asking �what if the lady loved Milk Tray, but can only have a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a healthy meal for dinner?�
It�s my producer Chris Paterson! Chris is a massive fan of-
Wait! Everyday you say some stupid fact about your producer
Well, yeah, but
And everyday it�s utter nonsense. I�ve had enough of it! I�m not a cobbler with magic elves, I don�t have fetish for human hair, I�m rubbish at golf, I didn�t invent blutack.
But I -
No! Listen, Mark! I didn�t popularise the hole punch as a piece of office equipment, I don�t have a phobia of snow, I wasn�t found in a phonebox as a baby and I�m not the witchfinder general!
Chris is a huge fan of-
Mark, you�re lining yourself up for a fall. I�d tread very carefully if I were you.
Chris is a huge fan -
Very carefully
A huge fan of Natalie Imbruglia�s music. And actually went to see her live last year.
Oh. Well, yes, that is right.
See.
Ok, sorry.
In fact he enjoys her music so much that he regularly puts on his Natalie Imbrugluia cd, blocks the door with hole punches, smears himself in blutack and human hair, and dreams of golf as he warms himself on the body of a burning witch.
Right! That�s it!
<FIGHT>


Mark�s Birthdays (to Bewitched theme)
Mark�s birthdays! Today-
Mark. Stop the music.
<stop music>
What?
Everyday you do this item- you do these birthdays and they�re blatantly made up! They�re made up- full of inaccuracies and outright lies!
No there not!
Yes they are!
Ok, they are..
Can you do the birthdays truthfully today?
Ok- I�ll try.
<start music>
Adam West will be celebrating his 32nd birthday today. Adam, who gained fame in the camp 80s TV series �Superman�, doesn�t lead the millionaire playboy lifestyle of the Superman�s alter-ego, Peter Parker, as he gave up all his worldly possessions to become a nun.
Mark!
<stop music>
What?
You know what I was saying about making things up?
Yes.
That�s what you did there, didn�t you?
No.
No?
Well, maybe a bit.
A bit?
Alright. Completely.
Look- this isn�t working- skip right to the end- in this day in history.
Ok. <music> And finally, in this day in history in the 1945 battle of Germany in the closing months of World War 2, the Russians finally mastered Budapest.
Well, that wasn�t very funny.


The Mark Appeal
The Mark Appeal. Mark is a young man of just 20 years of age.
Oh God!
What!
Are you still flogging this dead horse!?
What do you mean?
Well, it�s not very funny.
I think it is.
Anyway it�s obscene, asking for money for yourself.
I�m not really- it�s just a joke.
What about your catchprase ; �How much would you pay for a fully functioning body that works properly?�, think of the offence you could have caused.
I�m sorry, I didn�t think it through.
Well, you should have thought it through.
But I didn�t think it through
Well, you should have thought through.
But I didn�t...
Time for today�s charity case...


(Audience Poll, Love cafe number, continuation of motif, wonderyears bit)
... just time for an audience poll update on Richard Branson or Branston Pickle, Chris?
Do I have to?
Yes
Well, Mark, currently the brown sandwich accompaniment struggles with just 24% of the vote, whilst the popular globe trotting entrepreneur storms ahead with 71%.
Um, Chris, I can�t help but notice that the percentage adds up to 95%, 5% less than the traditional 100%- can you explain it?
No, Mark.
What?
Well, my answer is always the weakest bit of the show. �people phoning in to mew like kittens�- I mean, that�s hardly very funny.
Oh.
--->Wonderyears
It was at that moment that I began to doubt my radio abilities- my radio confidence shot to the very core. I felt so alone, stabbed in the back by a colleague.
I bet that at that point in time you felt closer to your father than you had ever felt before.
That�s right. Leave me alone.

What was Seddonism FM'99?
Seddonism Script 1
Contents