Dear Friend,

Damn, damn, damn. Dinner, a movie and a song that reminded you of me, something so innocuous, so normal yet the tug on my heart, the pull at my emotions was tremendous. The response was immediate. The need to walk away from "us", to retreat from this friendship was heightened to an almost painful level.

In the early morning hours, with you asleep in my arms, head against my heart, I cried. I wanted to let go of the restraints holding me back, keeping me silent and experience the possibilities with you but the fear was so overwhelming, the lack of trust absolute. I would not, could not care, yet I did and I was mad and hurt and confused. I left your place without looking back, with no intention of coming back.

And Monday morning, bright and early, you were here. Asking what was wrong, caring once again about the feelings of a friend. I think it was your calm acceptance of me, of my decision, your quiet understanding of the turbulent emotions, which eased some of the panic. The old, familiar easy going comraderie over a burger gave me reassurance that I would find, in you, a firm foothold in this climb.

Although the other is still, may always be, a struggle for me, I too am sure of this: I want you as a friend; I want you as a lover. I enjoy both with you. Continuing to be friends and lovers sounds like a great idea.

Bn.