Dear Friend,

With car problems, money worries, health issues and, even, an eviction looming, it is baffling to me that I was awake most of the night worried about having a conversation with you. I think even the rides at Six Flags dull in comparison!

When you said we needed to talk, I had thought to talk to you about "meaningful" subjects but those I came up with, although not superficial, were in no way probing or truly meaningful. Whereas I would like to thank you for your patience, apologize for the somtimes flippant mistress responses or explain my inability to allow a friend to help, I realize that when you suggested we talk you meant something else entirely.

I think, and I fear, the core of this conversation will be about "us", about caring, about this unnamed, undefined relationship. And that is what gives me pause, what generates the nervousness. Even with the hours of thought I have given to this, I have no clear ideas about my feelings, no salient thoughts about this friendship. How do I verbalize the sensations I try so vigorously to deny? How can I share with you the turbulent feelings which are vague in nature, instincts triggered by self preservation? How deep can we delve into a relationship which I seek to keep casual? Can I somehow avoid this conversation by distracting you in obvious ways?

The questions seem overwhelming to me. I try only to focus on actually having the conversation, not what I should or will say. That, in and of itself, will be a major hurdle. Probably to your great surprise (and mine), I WILL participate in this conversation of ours instead of being the silent partner you have come to know. I feel that it is crucial that I contribute this time in order for our frienship to survive and grow.

Bn.