Evil Masterminding for Idiots!

Jessenia read the small print critically. �And my lab goes where? That�s just a big barracks.�

�Oh. Uh� how �bout this one? It�s got a nice tower.� Jess nodded and showed the ad to Ker. He shook his head. �The damn thing�s practically in the arctic! I was hoping for something a little more centrally located.� Seeing that Javin was still unconvinced, he added, �And your Legion would have to march a real long way before they found anything to smash.�

�Oh.� Javin pursed his lips and took back the catalogue. Jess looked over his shoulder, and suddenly jabbed a finger down onto the page. �Look at that! It�s fabulous!�

Javin squinted. �It�s a house.�

�It�s a mansion,� she corrected. � �Slightly crumbling old columns, faded fa�ade, but exuding a malevolent charm,�� she read the blurb. � �Located in scenic subtropical swamp; alligators, panthers, and water snakes abound. Malaria an added risk to unwanted intruders!� Oh, I love it already!�

Javin frowned. �I don�t wanna march through a swamp.�

�So boat! You could have marines as your Legionnaires. And if my research goes well, I could modify some elite units for you. Fishmen?� Javin frowned more. �Frogmen?�

�Snakemen?� Ker suggested.

�Snakemen!� Javin�s face lit up. �That would have some style. With fangs, you think?�

�I could do fangs,� Jess assured him.

�And constricting tails?� Javin squeezed his fists in excited demonstration.

�Of course.�

�Great! All right, I like it. As long as I get my snakemen. What do you think, Ker?� Javin passed the paper back.

Ker read over the listing and wandered over to the map he�d tacked up on the wall. �Hum� close enough to the sea to boat there, far enough away that an enemy landing would be difficult� central to several major power centers but lost in a maze of cypress roots and hanging moss� hidden in plain sight, as it were. Abundant natural hazards for the unwary, terrain difficult for the unprepared interloper but accessible to locals. That�ll do,� he concluded, smiling. He glanced back down at the paper and his face fell. �Do you think we can make the down payment?�

�Why?� Jessenia asked, suddenly concerned. �How much is it?�

�More than we�ve got,� Ker said ruefully. �Unless one of you isn�t particularly attached to your soul?� Heads shook. �Me neither.�

�Oh, let me see that,� Jess said, suddenly annoyed. �Really. How are we going to be decent villains if we can�t even acquire the real estate we want? There�s got to be a way around this.� Ker surrendered the catalogue to the sorceress. �What if we just move in? Do you think they could stop us?�

Javin nodded nervously. �Jess, it�s EvilState. They accept payment in souls. That�s not usually good news.�

�Ffft! So? They might be nothing more than a bunch of imps running around trying to impress people. We could handle that.�

Ker shook his head. �Jess, remember when Zebob the Terrible�s keep exploded in a ball of flame and sulphur? And none of the adventuring groups took responsibility?�

�Yeah?�

�That was EvilState foreclosing. He�d missed a mortgage payment.�

�Oh.� Jess stared at the picture of the mansion a bit longer. Then inspiration hit. �I think we should call for negotiations. Ker, you said it yourself - there just aren�t as many villains around these days. It ought to be a buyer�s market out there! We ought to be able to talk them down into our price range.�

Ker grimaced. �And by �we� you mean �me,� right?�

�I sure as hell didn�t mean Javin.�

�Hey!�