Evil Masterminding for Idiots!

Javin looked up from his tankard. �This again. If you�re gonna start with that, I need a refill. Jess! More beer!�

The sorceress emerged from her kitchen, carrying a platter of sandwiches. �If you�re going to be so rude, you can get it yourself,� she answered the large, burly man.

�Aw, c�mon. After I saved your life at - �

�At the battle of Garnet Peak,� she groaned. �Fine, fine. More beer. Ker, how about you?�

�I�m fine, Jessenia. But I think that we three should go into the evil business.�

�Hold that thought,� she said, disappearing back into the kitchen with Javin�s mug. Returning, she hovered briefly behind Javin, as if contemplating pouring the mug�s contents on his head. Then she dropped it into the table next to him and resumed her seat. Picking up a sandwich, she looked at Ker and said, �I�m for it. Conditionally.�

Javin pouted - an odd sight on such a large man. �Why we gotta go and be evil?�

Ker steepled his slim fingers, preparing for an enjoyable lecture. �There�s a vacuum. Adventuring groups - �

�I ain�t vacuuming. This is Jess�s house, she gets to clean it.�

Ker and Jessenia simultaneously reached up to massage their temples. Ker tried again. �There�s an evil shortage. Adventuring groups have become too successful. It�ll all be boring soon. Someone�s got to fill the gap, and I think we�re the group for the job. We�ve never been as upstanding as Sir William and his crew, and we�re more self-interested than Mettia�s charity group. And we�re frankly brighter than most of the rest of the yahoos out there. We�d make smashing villains.�

Javin brightened. �We�d get to smash villains?�

�Er... yes. Any villains that get in our way, you�d get to smash. And smash anyone else that gets in the way.�

�I can do that,� Javin nodded. His thick brow darkened. �But every time you bring this up, you start with the plotting. Couldn�t we just be harsh overlords or something? Something simple?�

Ker rolled his eyes. �But that�s boring! And only good for one group of heroes, really. They depose us and we�re done.�

�My brain hurts when you start with the plans,� Javin protested.

�Gentlemen,� Jessenia interposed. �We�ll need a base of operations, of course. Javin can be whatever sort of overlord he likes - within reason,� she added, pointing at the warrior. �A standard harsh overlord will be fine. We�ll round up a nice Doom Legion for you, and you can terrorize the surrounding countryside to your heart�s content.�

�Great!� the big man beamed.

�Ker, that�ll be a nice secure place for you to extend your tentacles out of.� Her conniving comrade nodded slowly. �And I�ll have to have a lab, of course.�

�What?� Javin looked up. �Won�tcha be my consort? I thought the evil sorceress was always - � Teeth bared, Jess brought up an arm in a rather ominous gesture. Javin tried to shield himself with his arms. �Not the pig spell! Not the pig spell! You can have the lab!�

Jess lowered her arm. �I said I�d do this conditionally,� she said tightly. �These are the conditions. One, no consorting. Two, a deluxe lab setup. Trust me, Javin, you�ll love what I can do to your Doom Legion. Three, I design my own wardrobe.�

Ker shook his head slightly. Jessenia just hadn�t been quite the same since she came back from that postdoc at Vassar. �Now there are certain dress standards,� he admonished her. �Even for the men, and you know that. Have you ever seen an evil wizard without a sinister moustache and goatee?�

�No,� she admitted reluctantly. �They all have them. Even when it only makes them look ridiculous. All right, all right. But no navel-deep cleavage, no metal clothing, and nothing body-hugging from the waist down. I�m not as young as I used to be, you know. And I expect to see you,� she looked at Javin, �in spiky armor. And you...�

�All black, all the time,� Ker said agreeably. �With silver on dress occasions. I�m actually looking forward to the swirling cape. So, to recap: we have the Fist of Steel to abuse the peasantry, the Twisted Mage performing dark research in her tower and,� he smiled self-indulgently, �the Evil Mastermind whose plots will span the world! A fine start, I believe.�

Jess put down her sandwich to take up paper and pen. �So� we need a good ominous castle with abundant peasants to exploit, some Doom Legionnaires, new lab equipment...�

�A spy network,� Ker put in.

�More beer?� Javin asked meekly.

�Kitchen,� the other two pointed in unison, already absorbed in their plans.