Evil Masterminding for Idiots!

�And I can�t make his snakemen until I have a lab!� Jessenia called from the kitchen.

�Please, please!� Ker held up his hands. �I don�t think your whole Doom Legion was going to be snakemen, were they, Javin? Just an elite terror squad or two. There�s no reason we can�t hire some muscle now.�

Jess stalked back to the living room, dusting flour � or some white powder � from her hands. �One, we can�t pay them right now. Two, we have nothing for them to do right now. Three� did I mention we can�t pay them right now? I congratulate you on the deal with EvilState,� Jessenia told Ker, �but it still tapped our coffers.�

�Tapped? Is there a keg?� Javin brightened.

�I made sure there were funds left,� Ker protested. �In each of our accounts. But I need mine for startup bribes and graft.�

�I need mine for my equipment budget. All that glassware has to be hand-blown, you know.�

Javin looked morose. �I wanted to wait for the snakemen. I figure they�d need custom armor, and it�d be expensive.� Ker and Jessenia both fell into an astonished silence. They didn�t think Javin could plan that far ahead.

Ker tried a different tactic. He shrugged. �Oh, all right. Doom Legion later, then. So... Jessenia, who�s going to help you move?�

The sorceress paused on her way back to check the cauldron. �What?�

�Move. To the mansion. You know, pack up everything, pad the breakables, cart it south, unload it, load it onto the boat, unload it at the mansion, unpack everything.�

�Um... hm.� She paused, considering the hand-blown glassware. She considered Javin attempting to pack up hand-blown glassware. �Maybe I could enspell it all and transport the lot of it,� she said uncertainly.

�Oh, all right. If you think that will work,� Ker said offhandedly. �And you, Javin?�

�Huh? My stuff? I can carry it all on my horse. I always do, you know that.�

�So you�re leaving that new forge behind?� Ker sounded surprised. �That�s a shame; you�re really rather good at smithing.�

Javin smacked his forehead with his palm, leaving a greasy smear of butter behind. �The forge! I forgot it! An� all the adventuring trophies! I don�t usually bring �em into the field. Uh... maybe a second horse?� He furrowed his brow. �Nah, the anvil�s way heavier than a horse can carry. Would a cart work, Ker?�

Jess was regarding the slender, black-clad man with narrowed eyes. �You wanted to recruit the Doom Legion early to help you pack, didn�t you?�

�Well...� Ker studied the ceiling innocently. �Yes.�

�Well, why didn�t you say so? That makes some sense, actually,� Jess said. �But we still can�t afford them.�

�What about officers?� Javin put in. The other two looked at him. The day was just full of surprises. �I mean, there�s fewer of them than legionnaires. And then they�d be with us longer, so maybe they�d be more trusty... trustworthy. Which is good for officers, right?� He looked at his partners anxiously. Jess and Ker, mouths identically open, nodded together.

�I could afford to bring an apprentice on-line,� Jessenia volunteered.

�I could hire a spymaster,� Ker added, still somewhat stunned.

�Great! And I�ll get a captain,� Javin beamed. Then he frowned. �Uh-oh. I dunno what sort of captain to get. If he�s a big badass, he�ll be too much like me. If he�s a little quick guy, he�ll be too much like Ker. He�s gotta be different.�

�Maybe a dramatic scar or wound,� Ker suggested. �That sets officers apart from the Evil Masterminds, usually.�

�Your captain,� Jessenia added, with just a touch of acid in her voice, �doesn�t have to be a �he.� �He� could be a she, and I think there�d be little chance of confusing some valkyrie with me. And it would be nice to have another strong female presence in the mansion.�

Ker and Javin met each other�s eyes. An Evil Female Captain usually meant a good deal of artful leather or chainmail, very impractical, very tall boots, and a whip. �What a progressive idea,� Ker said, slowly. He tried to discreetly wipe his chin.

�Oh, real enlightened,� Javin replied. �Great idea, Jess. Really, really great idea.�