We got out side in front of the Guy's Dorm Building talking. Amber came straight up to me and started hugging me. I hugged her and we both started crying. We stood there for a good 10 minutes hugging and crying. It was one of THE most meaningful moments I will go through in my life. I found out that we weren't leaving till the time that we were supposed to (around noon, not after breakfast). I got mad because of the mix up. But I was happy because I got to spend more time with Amber.
Well I told Amber not to cry anymore. But when I got home we talked on yahoo and she told me that she couldn't help it. I told her it was ok, because I cried too. The only way that we stopped from crying now is thinking about Goldfish (the snack). At camp, when Rach introduced me and Amber, I was talking to some girls about not giving me any Goldfish because of that being my favorite track snack and I'd end up eating them all. So now Goldfish are an inside thing between me and Amber. She and I planned on seeing each other in August, but we didn't get to see each other till October.
When I got to college I really started thinking about my Christian walk and found myself seriously doubting my faith. All through my life I always had doubts but never really did anything about it. The weekend before September 30th, I was having the worst time with those doubts. It was so bad I thought I didn�t need to be here anymore so I was going to go kill myself to save everyone from being annoyed by me. I emailed Tiffanie and told her about what was going on and told her that I was sorry about all the trouble that I had caused her and that I was going to end it for her benefit.
She read the email and came searching for me. I had scared her half to death, she was so upset that I had done such a thing. She found me right before I was going to leave. We went on a walk, and talked for about two hours. I will never forget what she had told me. She told me to look around, that there is nothing that I should feel sorry about because I have so much going for me. There is a reason for me being here and I just need to look around because God made everything for me. She told me to look up in the sky and look at the stars, God made the stars just for me. He made everything that I could see, just for me.
On September 30, I went for a walk around 10:30 pm. I walked around and started thinking. My thoughts turned into praying, praying into weeping, and so on. I sat down before I could hurt myself from crying so hard. I heard a door open to one of the buildings and noticed that it was Tiffanie. She was coming out of musical practice. I went up to her and told her that we needed to talk. We talked about everything that had been going on. I told her that I was sorry for everything that I had done. I also told her that I had lied, to her, all my friends, my family, myself, and to God. I told her that I needed to get straight with God and that I needed to turn my life around. Tiffanie told me that I knew exactly what I needed to do, and advised me to do it before bed. So before bed, I asked Christ to come into my life.
That next Sunday I made a public confession at church, then the following Sunday I was baptized. This time I knew it was for me and me alone. I finally told my mom the Saturday before I was baptized. She wasn�t surprised at all. She also took it really well compared to how I thought she would react.
So many things have happened in those few months it�s hard for me to comprehend that it all. So many people have come and gone out of my life, but all I can do with that is praise God for blessing me with them in the time I needed.
One person is Shelly. Shelly and I met over spring break. I went down to Mississippi to spend the week with her and I can say that God had different plans for me then I thought would happen that week. I didn�t have anything that I planned on bringing because it was sent back up to Ark City. So I bought some new clothes and had donations. I was blessed to have caring people where I was at. Her family took me in and was such a blessing.
A couple of weeks before I went to visit Shelly, God brought up my past of being molested. When I got to Mississippi I went to church with Shelly and experienced God touching me like never before. That Sunday night that I was there, we were told to huddle up in families and pray. I huddled up with Shelly�s family because they were my family for the week. Then after we got done praying we were told to hug one person in our family and either ask for forgiveness or to forgive. I just stood there because I couldn�t hug the person that I needed to forgive. Shelly knew what was going on with me. Her mom came up to me and held me in her arms and prayed over me. She got done and I looked at Shelly standing there crying. She came up to me and hugged me.
We got home after that and I tried calling home but couldn�t get a hold of my brother, I went the entire week with me needing to confront my brother, but pushed it to the back of my mind. I wasn�t going to let it get to me. The next weekend, the day I was to leave to come back to college, I tried calling my brother again. I got a hold of him and told him two things. I told him that I love him and that I forgive him. I was so calm and collected. He finally figured out what I was talking about and we started talking. We never talked and had a civil conversation in our entire lives until that day. All I�m waiting for now is for him to have a broken heart and actually ask me and God to forgive him. I did all I can do, so now it�s all up to him on what he does.
God sent Jazz to me. There isn�t much for me to tell about her, she�s just awesome. I know God put her in my life to help me see reality. To help me stay focused on what is at hand and not what�s going to happen so much in the future. She�s always telling me to relax and not let anything bother me. Right now, I couldn�t ask for another girl friend like her.
Ten years ago I started praying for a best friend. I prayed that God would send me a best friend that would know me more then anyone, a best friend that would understand me and everything that I would go through. I prayed that this best friend would always be there for me as much as I would them. I also prayed that the friendship would be firmly grounded in Christ. That Christ would be the center and focus of the friendship.