I grew up in a single parent Christian home. With two older brothers and I was the youngest and the only girl, it wasn�t easy. Being the only girl, I was teased all the time. My brother and two of my cousins took advantage of me. They forced me to watch videos and do things that I didn�t want to do. To some it all up in one word, they molested me. It was one thing I shoved in the back of my mind for 13 years. I never wanted to face them. But God showed me that I couldn�t hide from my past anymore then I already have. I needed to confront it and I did.
My mom didn�t get remarried till I was 8. I finally had sisters to call my own though, but they didn�t stay in the house for very long. I was always the youngest and always will be the youngest in the family. I wanted so much attention that I did almost anything to get it.
I used to make up little rules saying when I could do things and when I couldn�t, an example of that was cussing. I couldn�t cuss on Wednesdays and Sundays because they were church days. Later I added that I couldn�t not cuss on Mondays Tuesdays Wednesdays and Saturdays because those were the days right before and after church days. I told myself and my friends that I could cuss on Friday only.
After a while I stopped going to church because of vehicle problems. I didn�t start going back to church till we moved to Nebraska. We moved there because of my mom�s job. She got a job at the hospital there, which didn�t last 10 months. Then we moved to Kansas.
It was my birthday, and the same day that my niece, Diana was born. I finished the 5th grade and it was horrible. That summer I didn�t get to make any friends because moved into a place out in the country, and I didn�t do anything outside of the house. 6th grade came and no one remembered me. I had to start over on making new friends. It was also that time of life when I was starting to learn who I am. I tried everything that I could to make friends and fit in. All through middle school I became very depressed and it carried over into high school.
My freshman year I was so bad about wanting to fit in that I lied to a friend. She found out and we started getting into arguments every day during lunch. During that year, I was thinking about suicide. One day I had enough of it and decided that evening I was going to go home and start cutting myself and bleed to death. Thing was, at that time I wasn�t thinking that I was going through anything. The reason for that was because my step dad had prostate cancer, my mom had to have a serious surgery, and my brother had a child out of wedlock. Because all that was going on, I wasn�t thinking about my problems, until that day.
Well that night I decided to get onto the internet and check my email. I saw a popup advertisement for a Christian chat room. I got on and the very first person to talk to me was smiley22. She talked to me like a normal person and I never mentioned anything about what I was going through. We talked everyday, and at the end of the week I was thinking about how my week was and I noticed I wasn�t dead. Because of God, Tammy saved my life.
I made it the rest of the school year and into the summer. I went to church camp and met a friend there. I told her about me being suicidal. I was given the verse Jeremiah 29:11 �For I know all the plans I have for you,� says the Lord �plans for good and not disaster, plans to give you a hope and a future.� This verse speaks for itself as a reminder to me.
I go through high school having only a social life on the computer. When my senior year came, I finally made friends at school. But I know that I have to leave them, so my senior year wasn�t the greatest still, but it was better.
Before I graduated I went to a concert that some friends were putting on. After the concert, I talked to the girls (Whisper Loud) and told them about having vehicle problems. They told me that they would pray for my safety going back home. I got about 5 miles north of the next town and the truck backfired three times and quit on me. It was about 10:30 at this time. I looked under the hood to see if I can find what�s wrong with it, but with it being night time I couldn�t really see.
I sat in the truck not knowing what to do. I started crying because I was still an hour away from home, stranded in the middle of no where. I prayed and bawled my eyes out asking God to help me and to protect me. I prayed that He would send a Christian my way to help me. About 30 vehicles passed by me and not one stopped to see if I was ok. Well someone was nice enough to call and report that I was stranded. A Highway Patrolman came and took me to a truck stop. He stayed with me till 2 am till my parents came and picked me up. While we were sitting there, I found out that he was a Christian. Well that night I learned a lot. God answered two prayer requests, one being my safety coming home, and the second was sending a Christian to help me. Even though I wasn�t a True Christian at the time I still learned that I need to trust fully in God.
The following summer was one of the hardest summers for me. It was the summer between graduation and heading off to college. I was ready to leave, but I wasn't. I spent the summer living one day at a time and make the best of it. I just started making friends again. I didn't want to leave because I knew I was going to miss them.
I was able to make it to church camp for the last time. Before camp I told myself that I wasn't going to make any new friends since it's my last time to be able to go. Well I went and met up with Rachel again. Rachel and I have known each other since the summer after my 6th grade year. Knowing Rach, she's so outgoing that it was quite hard for me not to keep to my word. She actually met Amber 'Grace' the very first day of camp. Rach introduced me to Amber 'Grace' and since then Amber and I started hanging out. We hung out as much as we could.
The next day after we met we clicked. I totally forgot about what I was planning because of how awesome Amber was. By Wednesday we were telling each other that we didn't want to leave. But we knew we had to. It was just as hard, if not harder to leave camp as it was to know that I had to leave home and go to college 5 hours away.
We found out that Amber's mom lives only 15 minutes away from where I went to college. So we were very happy about that. Thursday night came and I was told that we were going to have to pack up and leave early the next morning. I heard that and I almost went ballistic. It was NOT what I wanted to hear the night before the last day of camp. I told Amber about that and we both just started crying. We went to bed in our rooms and cried for who knows how long.