Some Engineering Humor:
Phrase book for non specialists
Phrase book for non specialists
Correct
within an order of magnitude = wrong
It
is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete
understanding...... = I haven't a clue
Let's
take a survey = We need more time to think of an answer
The
most reliable reports are those of Brown = He trained under me
These
results will be reported at a later date = I might possibly get round to it
some time
Three
of the samples were chosen for detailed study = The results on the others did
not make sense and were ignored
Typical
results are shown = The best results are shown
The
samples were accidentally stained during mounting = dropped on the floor
The
samples were handled with extreme care = nearly dropped on the floor
Developed
after years of intensive research = Discovered by accident
Let's
get together on this = I reckon you are as confused as I am
Take
under advisement = Ignore and hope everyone will forget it
Approved
subject to comment = Redraft the damn thing
Give
someone the picture = To make a long, confused and inaccurate statement to a
newcomer
Under
active consideration = We are searching the files for it
Under
consideration = never heard of it
The
agreement with the predicted curve is:
- excellent = fair,
- good = poor
- satisfactory = doubtful
- fair = imaginary
Is
in the process = So wrapped up in red tape that any progress is hopeless
We
will advise you in due course = If we can work it out, we will let you know
You might be an engineer if:
1) Choosing to buy flowers for your
girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
2) You take a cruise so you can go on a
personal tour of the engine room.
3) In college you thought Spring Break was
metal fatigue failure.
4) The sales people at the local computer
store can't answer any of your questions.
5) At an air show you know how fast the
skydivers are falling.
6) You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive
for her birthday.
7) You can quote scenes from any Monty
Python movie.
8) You can type 70 words per minute but
can't read your own handwriting.
9) You comment to your wife that her
straight hair is nice and parallel.
10) You sit backwards on the Disneyland
rides to see how they do the special effects.
11) You have saved every power cord from all
your broken appliances.
12) You have more friends on the Internet
than in real life.
13) You know what "http://" stands
for.
14) You look forward to Christmas so you can
put the kids' toys together.
15) You see a good design and still have to
change it.
16) You spent more on your calculator than
on your wedding ring.
17) You still own a slide rule and know how
to use it.
18) You think that people yawning around you
are sleep deprived.
19) You window shop at Radio Shack
20) Your laptop computer costs more than
your car
21) Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of
what you do at work.
22) You've already calculated how much you
make per second.
23) You've tried to repair a £5 radio.
Identifying professions
I believe I believe many professions trigger a conditional response to certain conditions and by careful observation I have determined that it is possible to identify what someone does for a living by asking a simple question. The answer usually instantly categorises them.
Here are the results of my work so far:
The following are the typical responses by
various occupations to the simple question: What is 2 + 2?
ACCOUNTANT "Well this year with a discounted cash flow, we
could make it 2.6, but we could also make it 5.6 with some asset backing. What
do you want?"
ARCHITECT "Traditionally it has been 4, but I've always
felt that it could be so much more if we approached it from a new
perspective."
CLERK "I've been asked this before. Wait. Don't tell me. Just wait. I'll
look it up."
DOCTOR "Could possibly be somewhere around 3, 4 or 5, but we'll have to
run some tests."
ENGINEER "4.000"
ENVIRONMENTALIST "We don't agree with any answer unless it is the
same as ours. And we aren't prepared to give an answer until an E.I.S. is
completed that finally agrees with whatever we want."
GESTAPO "We vill ask zee questions!"
HIPPY "Hey Man, it doesn't matter ............ Whatever makes you happy,
Man."
HISTORIAN "It has always been 4. Are you suggesting it
should change?"
INSURANCE SALESMAN "2 + 2 becomes 4, then 6 then 10 then 15. And so
it goes. Just sign here."
LAWYER "Whilst in the past it has resolved to 4 under normal conditions,
it may be different under extenuating circumstances and could only be resolved
by litigation."
MAGICIAN "Anything I want it to be"
MECHANIC "4, but the front 2 need replacing."
METEOROLOGIST "There's a fifty percent chance that tomorrow it
will be 4, but the following day is more doubtful, with a likelihood of
fractions."
PATHOLOGIST "We cannot say definitely, but it is a well
defined numeral"
PILOT "Foxtrot Oscar Uniform Romeo"
POLITICIAN "I'm glad you asked that question. Because it is
significantly, both relevant and irrelevant to the important issues at hand.
And well might you ask, "What are the important issues at hand?" I
can only repeat again, what I said in response to Sir Henry Quodge Dipple in
the House today - "We must all be aware of the vital matters concerning
the conditions that effect &%$ #$@"
PSYCHOLOGIST "Why is it important for you to know?"
PUBLIC SERVANT "You have to take a number first, before I can
discuss anything. Then we need to establish which form you will be required to
complete. After you have satisfactorily ticked all the boxes and satisfied all
the requirements, we may then be able to refer you to an appropriate
department. Next!"
STOCKBROKER "If you had contacted me earlier, I could have
got you 3.8, maybe 3.9. Depends. Are you buying or selling?"
TEACHER "The rite answer isn't important. Its what
approach you uze and how you get their what maters."
UNION SHOP STEWARD "8." "Actually a base 4, but with
annual leave loading, Superannuation, overtime, danger money, boredom money,
stress loading, travelling allowance, meal allotments, etc. etc., it comes out
at 8."
USED CAR SALESMAN "Normally 6, but for this weekend only, it will
be 4!"
YUPPIE I've got three of them, and my original blue one was the first. These
later 2 + 2's are only following the trend which is now heading towards the 2 x
2 and 3 + 3's. But I've already got a 4 x 4!'
Campus
plastics - Polymer database