New stuff is here.
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3.30.00 rant Howdy. It's been one of those weeks, sorry for the lack of updates or anything resembling content at all. I must announce something interesting, I have decided based on a conversation between jereme and I, to change my name. Here's the course of the conversation: There is a computer game called Messiah coming out, actually, it came out yesterday, here's an informational link- Messiah home page so with that knowledge in hand, and that jereme and I had come into ahem, possession, of a working beta of said game. In other words, it was somewhere on an ftp, and I dled it to see if it was interesting, don't worry, it has been long since deleted off of my hard drive. But I digress, this game was released at the retail level yesterday, and I said to jereme, "Messiah is out." He said nothing, and I began to talk about the game for a sec, then he suddenly started laughing. You see, he thought I was saying it in the "I'm out" sense, referring to myself as Messiah, and in the 3rd person. Well, upon reading this (we were talking over IMs), the idea began to appeal to me. "Hell, I am going to use that, I am going to call myself Messiah from now on." Jereme mentioned how I will piss countless people off, and I said I didn't care. His thought was, "so great, yet so iffy." "Exactly, " I said, "but I got away with satanwannabe." "True," he replied. Well, thus was spawned my new all purpose away message, " I am no longer called Nick, I am from now on to be referred to as Messiah." You think I am kidding? HA! You think I give a flying fuck whether that offends anybody's religious sensibility?! HA! For every piece of shit out there who wishes they could "help me" find religion, who has told me I am going to hell, I hope your own self-righteousness eats you up inside. I hope you look at your life and realize how much of a fucking hypocrite you are for preaching tolerance and love and other horse shit that you only believe in if it suits you, yet wanting to change me. Hmmmmmm, i dunno where this came from at all, but hell, deal with it. Not everybody who has something to believe in is worthless, hell, fig finally accepts that I'm not gonna or want to change, and doesn't make it an issue. Zach has always been alright about it, jereme has always unequivocally endorsed me finding my own way, hell he is probably the only person who has never ever looked down upon me for it or ever thought he could or wanted to "help me" in that lovely idiotic zealot sense that so many people like to pass off on me. Erin has never given for a second made it an issue in any sense, even being a little curious what I believe at points, but never judging. There are countless other people who have never said a word to me, and don't mind either way. I also know there are a countless majority who have that "he's just confused" thought in the back of their mind regarding me. It is too bad that in this day and age where everybody searches for acceptance and tolerance, that those who believe in a higher power so commonly believe themselves superior for it, when in fact, I am more moral than most of them will ever be. Hatred is an utterly disgusting sentiment, yet more people hate based on religion and its teachings than anything else. The fact that for everything done in god's name or names, wars are fought due to hatred, in your god's name. Divine right, to a territory or to a way of life, oppresses millions, keeps hatred alive, keeps you from having a valid point of view. BLIND FAITH IS BETTER KNOWN AS IGNORANCE. haha, "you just have to have faith" BULLSHIT. I have faith in what I choose to see, I have faith in myself, I refuse to believe that in any sense does any god, omnipotent or not, have anything worth blindly believing. Oh, but that's the kicker, I don't believe in any gods, whoops, silly me, maybe that's why. Actually, it isn't why, there is no one reason why, you see, i thought, I woke up, I opened my eyes to the possibility, and saw that there is none. I love that fact that people will read this and immediately be very very angry for me criticizing their beliefs. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES, DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW ALL YOU HAVE EVER DONE TO ME IS CRITICIZE MY BELIEFS!!!!!!!!!?? "Nick, how do you know you wouldn't like going to church?" "How could there be nothing after we die?" "How do you know we evolved, they don't have the complete fossil record, there are missing links, you can't say evolution is proof" Hey, moron, the pope admitted about a year and a half to 2 years ago that evolution based on the evidence accumulated is an overwhelming fact. I hope you think for a second how when I attack your beliefs you get hurt and offended because I rip at what you think you are, yet you expect me to sit there and calmly discuss with you when you tell me I am wrong and going to a hell I don't believe in, that you rip at everything I am and all but tell me I am stupid for not believing in what you do, because it will cause my eternal damnation. You know what, I'm done talking now, but I'd like to send a shout out to my boys, Michael in the Philadelphia area, and Tom in Chatham, they's livin without the strings of hypocrisy, as Tom likes to say, keepin it real. 3.24.00 rant You thought yesterday was interesting? You're gonna love what I have in store for today, a collection of quotes, a story or 2 about meself, and a lot of stuff that nobody wants to hear, but you know what, I don't enjoy feeling a lot of it, so you'll just have to bear with me. I will start with something that won't offend, something that is prominent in my mind. I miss home. Now, before, you get all stupid on me, I don't mean I am horribly homesick, but I miss many things about life there. I obviously miss my car, I miss the freedom, the ability to get away from myself. I have a large amount of self loathing, so no worries, that is nothing new, I have always disliked myself. At home I can run away, here, I sit, and I do nothing. Here, however, I have an odd sort of freedom, I have nobody to report to, literally. Last night, I left somewhere between midnight and 1, and didn't get back till around 4. I have gotten reamed at home for less. I want to comment on what I did for 3 hours last night, I spent time with somebody I haven't seen in a very long time. Despite the dubious circumstances under which contact was persuaded, for lack of a better term, it was probably the nicest time I can ever remember having. There was nothing extreme about it, I mean, I walked through Urbana for about 3 hours or so, and it was kinda chilly, but it was just something that felt very good to me. Maybe it is just because I hadn't seen her in so long, but I just enjoyed spending time with somebody I care about. Hell, the next problem is that on the current pace for how often I manage to catch her, I might see her in a couple of years if I am very lucky. Hell, you know, it'd almost be worth it. I am overly sentimental in general, so take anything I say with a grain of salt, but know that I mean it. Do you know what 135 days is? It is a little over 4 months, it is also how long it had been since I had managed to come into contact with my acquaintance in person. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun to you too, huh? Ah well, after me putting that info here, it will likely be much longer before I see her again, if ever. Who knows, maybe she'll never see this update, but even if she does, she knows there is a fucking helluva lot wrong with having not seen one another in 4 months. No matter what, however, I now include a quote for her. It is actually the lyrics to an entire song, the fragile, by nine inch nails, off of the fragile. I never realized before walking home listening to it last night, just how fitting it is she shines Okay, so the picking thing isn't relevant, but all the rest of it is. I have another couple pieces to add, from the song "Where Is Everybody?" It is a little more along the lines of things to think about, less happy thoughts, granted, but there is something I have decided, a little profundity of mine own invention, "when you do nothing, you lose everything", it is not a direct challenge or statement, it is something I believe in general, and it is not a pointed invention. And hell, I have already lost everything twice, maybe the 3rd time's the charm. I am still very scared that I will find that out the hard way. did you happen to catch (Chorus) where is everybody? god damn i am so tired of pretending (Chorus) where is everybody? Like an away message I once had said, "If I didn't care so much, I wouldn't be so little fun." Always remember something when reading anything I write here, be you whomever, and in particular you, that above all else, I refuse to give up, it is beyond worth it. It is worth this and much much more, hands down, without a second thought. The ends justify the means, it just has to reach some sort of an end someday, otherwise this is all for naught. The following is a directed comment : remember what I told you in the middle of the street, everything I said, I meant it, and you know it. You also know that that is why I do stupid stuff like this. Added at about 4 am- I know me, and I know the way things happen when I am at all involved, things have a way of working out in everybody else's favor. I know the way of things, and it is dictated by my existence that I persist, paying for it both during and after. After, I pay for it quite a bit more, because at least when I try for something, there is a goal to be attempted, something to hope for, after failure, you are left with a bigger hole than before you started. Do you know what the biggest loss in all of my life thus far was? I do, and it has happened twice, I honestly don't think it'll happen again like that, but I am increasingly worried that everything will remain stagnant, which means nick gets fucked. I say that because, well, stagnancy is coupled with a continuance of emotion, so nothing changes. Everything gathers dust as I sit back and watch it happen again, watch as you get hurt again, or become happy again; I am forced to watch everything I want, unable to do anything to attain my heart's desire. Yes, I know you will read this and be upset by this, or angry, or just flat out hurt, and believe I think very little of you. Well, no, you see, I think very highly of you, and this is as a matter of fact what I think relative to me, it has nothing to do with your actions or lack thereof. I will say this again, though, and this time it is a pointed comment, "when you do nothing, you're losing everything." Doing something does not mean trying to give me an out, doing something means doing something. Doing something doesn't mean you have to do what I want, doing something means doing something to reach an end, whatever it takes for you to be happy. You have the means, and I will always be there, but by doing nothing in any direction, you are pushing me away, seriously. You are the only person who can prevent it if you so choose. I need to sleep now. 3.23.00 rant Okay, so here we are. Well, first off, a little knowledge for all, Zach's page has been updated finally. Lemme think, well, fig's is still fresh, and the IM excerpt on jereme's allotment has been refreshed. He will notice the obvious Worms reference, and if some of you don't, well, I feel very sorry for you, and in fact, I feel very sorry for me, cause I have never even played the game, but know it almost like the back of my hand. Though, truth to be told, I hate that fucking saying, I don't really know the back of my hand very well, I know the various scars and other residuals of injuries past. For some odd reason, I seem to keep track of everything that has been bad enough to scar me. Hm, go figure. There is no double entendre there, so give it a rest. The clip show of Seinfeld that aired before the series finale was on tonight in syndication, and I gotta say, even though everybody knows it, that show was godlike. Me and my roommate sat here laughing and talking about every episode theory showed a piece of, and some they didn't. Hell, even the quote fig used a while back, that I didn't recognize, was on there, "who has sex with the hen?" I could be terribly trite, and ask who has sex with the hen, but I choose not to. I have recently been in not good spirits, more so than even usual, which is quite a bit. I know I had a good day a couple weeks ago, and posted such here, but that was somewhat of a rarity. I dunno what it is, but literally the last couple days, I just feel generally and genuinely sad. As anybody who knows me obviously knows I do this relatively often, spots of non-fun are common for me, so stop worrying before you start. There is no trigger, there is no stimulus by which I suddenly got odd. It was weird, I was laying there, and I just got this feeling. You know the feeling in the pit of your stomach, when something really gets to you, depresses you wholly? Well, move that sensation up to about midway between the chest and stomach, and for lack of a better term, flatten it out. Apply it to a more general area instead of as a knot in your stomach, and make it semi-tingle. I know I know, I should never use the term tingle, but that is the most accurate description. Couple this extremely odd sensation with a general feeling of, for lack of a better term, general sadness, and you have for a stellar mood, lemme tell ya. Yesterday somebody fixed me, but that wasn't until nighttime, at around 2 am actually, so I had an interesting day. Today will be interesting, because I already know for a fact that the desire exists for me to be fixed again. However, it is a band aid on a gaping wound, and even if you reapply it every night, it still doesn't stitch the wound. Something be wrong with my head, maybe with the current state of affairs that is my life, and I need to do something before I lose myself. I don't cry, I don't mope openly, I don't have any release for all this shit, unless you count this. Basically I am apparently on the fast track to blowing a gasket. I am once again nearing that mystical magical mythical point of nirvana I like to call apathy. My old friend, I hardly knew you were gone. Everytime I seemingly escape the trap of my own mind that everybody else calls thinking, I get sucked right back in. One of these days I will be free and clear. Don't get me wrong, I am good at apathy, hell, I am the best at it, but I am no longer a fan of not giving a damn. Not only am I good at apathy, I am fucking fun while there, ask anybody. However, while I may be fun on the surface, that is all I let go on, is surface existence, and that is not something I would want to do to people again. Hell, for some reason I enjoy giving a damn about people and letting people peek inside. Only one person has ever been let in, but everybody at the very least gets a peak when I am normal, and it is gratifying in to have a lot of close friends. I dunno, as I do that thinking thing again, I realize that by me saying this, I invalidate most of my points, but who really reads all that closely anyways. Let's see, oh, and as far as me thinking goes, the best description is ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I never do well thinking, honestly, the one thing that consistently gets me into deep shit is thinking. See, what happens is this: Something always comes up that warrants thought, to some degree, that has an impact. Then, I begin to think, analyze, whatever the hell it is that I do, and that would be fine, but...... You see, I am usually correct when I think, I just can't stop thinking, and that's where I get myself screwed over. I hope for the best, but always think the worst and then some. I can do nothing about it but acknowledge it, and hope to not mess anything up by coming to completely inane conclusions. That is one thing different about this not-fun thing I am right now, I am not thinking, I am not coming to conclusions, it just simply is as it is. In fact, I am largely devoid of thought about this or anything relevant. Who knows where anything goes from here, maybe I will get lucky and everything will work out in my favor, then again, maybe I will be able to sprout wings and fly away from myself. Sadly the latter may yet be more likely than the former. You know, I am reminded of something I once said, "When in doubt, I am still here, and I am still fucked." I am also reminded of what is now my favorite non-me quote, "Winners never quit, and quitters never win, but those of us who never quit and never win are idiots." I'm gonna go back to doing absolutely nothing. 3.21.00 rant I have no connection at all right now. My ether is straight up dead, the hub isn't even blinking, the lights are on solid, meaning no data is being sent or received at all. My only comment on this is, "sonofabitch," said many times over, and many times louder. I don't have a whole bunch, but I'll see what I can spit out for this rant. Fig's page is updated. On an odd note, I was on the phone Sunday night, and the phone began beeping before it died. It has never before actually beeped, not unless you count the sound it makes as it dies. Odd shit, very odd shit. I will speak on my dream. I had a fucking weird ass dream, and will thusly share. Okay, there is an initial part of the dream which I will leave sketchy, because while I do remember it, the content is not exactly something that'll go over great with a couple of people. It was not a sex dream, nor is it inherently offensive, but it is not for everybody who reads this page. Ask me nicely enough, and I will tell you what it is, otherwise, sorry. Okay, so in this dream I was first at my home, and then went on a looong drive for which the destination was implied, and was in somebody else's home. I have never seen any house like this one, but it was interesting, cause there was that inherent dream knowledge of whose home it was. I was for some reason in a basement, which looked oddly like Fig's garage, and there were 2 people in the house who didn't know I was there, parents I believe. I remember more or less sneaking out of there because the people present didn't know me or know I was there. For some reason leaving the basement meant going downstairs, and the area I descended to look sorta like the stairs in Kristin's basement/rec room thingy, though the room was unlike any I have ever been in; a normal room, but I have never been there. So I was leaving this house and my car was inexplicably in the driveway, which was some odd sloping curved gargantuan thing like you'd see on a mansion or something. It had brick retaining walls along it and all. There was a car behind mine, which was already there before I went into the house, which was inherent in my dream mind. Anyways, its lights were on, and they hadn't been before, so that was for some reason a dead giveaway in dream land. The car was suddenly a convertible as I got next to it, because I peered my head over the edge to interrupt what was going on inside, which was nothing extreme, like I said, not a sex dream. Here is where details go out the window for a while, I'm sorry. Skip ahead past me being yelled at and some other things, and then an implied trip back home. I got to my house, and nobody was there, on the evil eerie level. In the dream it made me wonder a little bit, but I shrugged it off. Somehow I ended up on the end of my street. If you know the area where I live, there is that county road that runs perpendicular to my street at its southern end, next to a cornfield, so there are only houses on one side. But I digress, so I was here somehow, and I was wearing my black coat, walking down this portion of the street. It was a gray day not cold or hot, though I was wearing my coat, everybody else was in short sleeves. I don't know how the transition happened, but I saw a little boy in a blue T-shirt walking down the road slowly, by himself. I could see a woman that is implied to be his mother behind him crying, he had just walked away from his home, not gotten very far,and she hadn't followed yet. She was sobbing and pleading with the little boy, saying, "Where are you going, why are you doing this to me, please come back." I walked up to the woman, who for some reason seems/seemed familiar, and i remember asking her what was wrong, but don't remember what she said. I told her not to worry, and she asked me how I could say that to her, and i yelled at some woman named Diane, asking for her agreement that if anybody could fix anything, it is me, and Diane backed me up on that. The mother said okay between sobs, then I for some reason gave her a hug and told her, "Everything will be alright, I promise" She smiled a little, but then asked me, "How do you know?". The little boy was still walking down the road, farther away now, nearly out of view. The woman was still crying, but less severely now, and I replied to her, "I just know, he'll come back, trust me." I don't remember exactly what was said next, but I made some reference to her about my story, somehow relating to her that she shouldn't lose hope, no matter what happens. She mentioned that for some reason she wanted to hear my story, and I said, "Maybe another time." I was then walking next to the little boy, he had no emotion on his face, he was simply walking, slowly, without a purpose, away. I leaned down and said something to the little boy, I wasn't conscious of what. I was then back to standing next to the woman, and I once again looked towards where the little boy had walked off, and I saw him walking back towards us. The mother smiled as he approached, hugged her, and walked inside the house. She was not crying now, but there were remnants of tears on her face, and a large smile. She thanked me, and as I started to walk away, she asked me when she gets to hear my information, my story. I was only a few feet away, and turned around. I said to her, "If you had lived 1/10th of my story, you would cry yourself to sleep every night..." I trailed it off and walked away. It was now dark, not quite night, but darker, as I walked away. Then I turned down onto my street, and I just ran all the way home, I ran quickly, conscious of my stride, without exertion. I slid to a stop at my driveway, literally falling down. I got up, brushed myself off, walked towards my front door, then woke up. My dream sounds horribly contrived, in retrospect, but that is how it happened, minus a couple of details as explained. Who knows, maybe I am just really an odd little boy. I don't know or care what the dream means, but feel free to analyze and share with me. I don't care either way. The details I left out are interesting in and of themselves, but in the whole dream, they fit oddly well. This was written at 2 pm, who knows when it will make it online, depends on if my ether ever works again. Bye all. 3.9.00 rant Sorry about the lack of updates the last couple of days, I have been having fun doing nothing whatsoever. Yesterday, I just lounged, slept quite a bit, nothing impressive. Oh, and the cordless phone thing is getting ridiculous. I think it only lasts about 3 hours, every time now. In fact, last night, I predicted it, "hey, if my guess is correct, this thing will die in 3 hours, so I will say goodbye in advance, just in case." Sure enough, 3 hours and 3 minutes from the beginning of the phone call, 11:27-2:30, the fucking thing beeped off. It is not like normal cordless phones mind you, it doesn't begin beeping when the battery is low, it does not warn you, oh no, that would be far to simple, it just clicks the fuck off. I told you the last time i talked about my cordless phone hatred, that it had died at a bad point, but was semi convenient. Well, this time, FUCKING BLOODY HELL!!!!!! There could not in any sense of the word possibly be a worse point in any conversation in the history of the world than the one at which I got cut off. Seriously, you could not imagine, and none of you will be allowed to, because I refuse to tell you what was being said when I got cut off. Too bad this isn't going on the webpage, to twist a statement from jereme on his IM excerpt page. Fig should write a new column so I can update once before I go home for spring break. Zach should find and send me some form of a picture of a monkey with his head on the monkey, as I know he enjoys the transposition of faces, evident from his Michael Ruffin graphic. I believe the title for Zach's column will be "Monkey see, monkey do, " as per a submission from Nathan Joswiak(aka JEWels). I am not in a bad mood or anything again yet, go figure, I am sustained not-unhappy. I would like to take this time to include a lyrical interlude. For those of you who generally lack knowledge (nothing personal), this is a line from "Damn it feels Good to be a Gangsta" by the Geto Boys, off of the Office Space soundtrack. It is also a sentiment I would like to share wif ya, because I can. "To all you republicans that helped me win, I'd sincerely like to thank ya, cause now I got the world swingin from my nuts, damn it feels good to be a gangsta." Comments on the vulgarity of my chosen quote? HAHA, too fucking bad, but I will include here a link to the lyrics of what may be the greatest love song I have ever heard: >>>>>click here<<<<<. Okay, well, I lied, that is not a love song, but it is a great song, despite its lyrical content, which I personally have no trouble with, it is a amazing and well crafted song. It is somewhat troubling to most people that while on the entire album off of which that song is taken, every song tells a story, about murder. The next album released was an entire album of the most beautiful and heartfelt love songs you may never hear. The reason you may never hear it is because I have yet to meet anybody willing to give it a fair shake. You see, music I recommend is generally frowned upon until others recommend it as well. Ah well, it is as it always was. I am too lazy and too busy to fuck with updating the wildcard, sorry all, I know how you look forward to it every day. I need any and everybody who sees this page's help with something. I need a way to pull something off. I need assistance scheming, as it were. Here's the deal, I believe I am guaranteed to have a visitor over spring break. The problem is as such, I need to figure out a way to swing said visit being not confined to day time. What I mean is nothing illicit, just a place for me and a guest to crash. Unfortunately, Jereme's bastard ass moved, that was the hookup, but now I am left with few, if any options. Right now, I have a contingency plan, that being somehow, someway convincing my parent and/or parents to let me have a guest. I can pull it off easily, since it is purely an innocent request, and my parents finally trust me, now that it doesn't matter what they "let" me do here at college. I can swing having company at home, but the sheer volume of questions I would face afterwards kinda freaks me out. Like I said, anybody got any ideas at all? Trust me, there is nothing illicit or in any way immoral to the overnight aspect, it is only a way to spend more time with my visitor, and I very much would enjoy more time. I need a plan of action, I need something so that I don't have to try using mine own home as a place to sleep. Man, that is ironic as hell, I want to be home when here, now I have to find a way to not sleep at home. There is no guarantee that any plan will be used, either, I just want the option to exist, in case the window exists to use said plan. Email me here, with any ideas or suggestions you have for me. No bullshit ideas, and no mocking allowed, I seriously need ideas people. I hope I figure out something plausible, because it is easily worth any and all hassle, and then some. I think the grand plans of camping over spring break that had been in the works for so long, they died before March. I tell ya, isn't that great how good we are? By we, I mean me, jereme, zach, and fig; yes, the same people with columns on the site, wonder what that means? Anyways, yes, once upon a time, we were considering who would want to go, then everybody decided their friends from highschool are inferior, including me. I'm kidding, don't worry, I didn't mean that, though some of them are questionable in their value, I love all of my friends dearly. I can't believe I actually said that, again. Ah well, nobody reads this far down the page anyways. Bye all, I have to go try to cheer up somebody I care very much about. 3.7.00 rant Sorry to disappoint, but today's rant will not have the volume of rants past, meaning either of the other 2, I don't think. It depends on if I think of anything mid rant, and come to think of it, I just thought of something, so you shall see later in the rant. I don't honestly have anything to bitch about immediately, I am in a great mood today. Yeah, I know, it is odd, but fuck it, I am allowed. I started the day off like any other, got out of bed at around 1:20, in the haze that is consciousness. Took me a little bit, but I gained awareness of my being awake. To be honest, it is really not my fault I am a good mood, it was kinda forced upon me by others, not to mention the fact that it is was a gorgeous day. I dunno why, but my enjoyment of being myself is self sustaining for right now. I have decided I am going to order pizza tonight, I have earned it, because I think my good mood may have rubbed off a little onto at least one other person, plus, I am REALLY FUCKING HUNGRY. I played basketball yesterday for about an hour, then lifted, abusing my legs in that fun way that only I can pull off, then I played 3 full court games to 15, all on an empty stomach, which for future reference, is a bad bad idea. Also, not eating for 4 hours after that, an equally bad idea. Ah well, I'm still alive and breathing, for now. Anyways, good moods are fun, though I wouldn't call it a mood, I am just not thinking a whole bunch about anything, which means I am not getting at all concerned. Fun shit, I gotta tell you, now I know why I was always happy when I was apathetic. No concern=no worries=all smiles. However, I am not without concerns in the traditional sense, I have things in this world I want after. Jereme's section is up and going, but Netscape doesn't like it for right now, so only try it with IE. Besides, nobody in their right mind uses Netscape anyways. Zach's as yet nameless section is ripe for the picking. If anybody has an idea for a name that doesn't suck ass, then email me with said suggestion. So far the best/worst thing Zach came up with in 2 days of trying(no really, he has been trying for 2 days), is, "All I need to know I should have learned in Kindergarten." I kid you not, that is the BEST of the ideas he has had. He had 2 installments of his column ready in like 7 hours, and yet, a line of text baffles. I am not bitter, I just think he needs a kick in the ass to get going, which is the equivalent to mocking his efforts horribly :). I am bored right now, but Family Guy is on, and that is a great show. It is in fact hilarious, and all of you who haven't seen it need to. Also, Sports Night, another great show, is on later tonight. Watch it, seriously, it be good TV. Ah, and the wildcard will be updated later, I think, depends on how skilled I am. I am messing with mixman to get this shit in gear, but it depends on me spending the time on it later. It will be an mp3, so that the file size isn't horrible. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Sorry, since I'm not angry, I can't think of a whole bunch to rant on regarding my life. Oh, the thing I thought of mid intro, I have that. I hate George W. Bush. Okay, maybe I don't hate him, but I think he is an elitist schmuck. Every single angle John McCain has used to any success, Bush claims. John McCain has at every point during his campaigning referred to himself as a reformer, then, when he won the New Hampshire primary, literally, a week later, Bush decided he is a reformer as well. I saw him on tv at one point, he had the gall to say, "I have always been a reformer, I just didn't call myself one." LOL, what a bunch of bullshit, it translates to, "McCain is a reformer, and that helped him, so I will call myself one too." Then, McCain pledged to end the mudslinging in TV and radio ads, and all Bush cold say was that he would stop when McCain did. Guess what, McCain stopped, when he said he would, and yet, Bush is still talking shit. It is sad, because through all this, McCain is a much better candidate for president, but the entrenched republican old guard has stuck by its golden boy, with his cocky smirk, and utter stupidity, Bush has all but won the republican nod. As I watch Peter Jennings saying McCain is out of it, I feel like we have been cheated out of what would have been a good president, one who is an actual person, not a political machine. Hell, the guy actually has a sense of humor, instead of that cocky and annoying smirk that Bush always wears like a badge of self righteousness. I am deflated in my rant now, because I really wanted McCain to win, at least the republican nod, because of the sheer charisma and ability the guy has. I hope he tries again in 2004, I really do, because I think he deserves a term in the white house. I am not saying all of this ignorant of campaign issues, but I think the point at which Pat Robertson (spelling?) endorses a candidate, which he did for Bush, then you pick your sides. I'm sorry, but when Pat Robertson literally said that the Y2K bug was god's way of telling us or society is too much based on computers, that it is his way of weeding out the atheists(!!!!) and etc in our world, (paraphrased from 2 separate quotes, on the same episode of whatever his show is/was called), I decided the guy is a fucking moron. I mean, I just thought he was a foolish religious zealot who wanted everybody's money. Then I just flat out decided the guy is not worth the skin he is wrapped in. He also went on to say that atheism is completely immoral, and that anybody who is such is as well, among other lovely little jabs at my existence. Goddammit, where is my pizza, I am fucking hungry. Oh well, when I wake up tomorrow and can barely move as a result of destroying my legs, and the fact that my shoulders and stomach inexplicably hurt a little now, which means I will be immobilized tomorrow, I will in fact pay for my insolence. You see, god will punish me for insulting Pat Robertson. LOL. I hate that guy so much. Anyways, I don't care if you are religious and think I shouldn't say any of this, if you really buy into that windbag's money grubbing intolerant ramblings, then you really shouldn't be visiting this site. I am reeeeeeeeeally trying to fill space now, How'm I doin? Well, a few more lines and all is well. This seems like a good stopping point 3.6.00 rant Damn, I have a lot of space to fill. That's what I get for saying a lot yesterday. Well, how is everybody today? Over half the people who saw the page yesterday want to contribute, and as you can see, I already have one column in place. FIG IS HERE!!!!!! Okay, sorry, I had to. Anyways, Jereme is going to provide something that, from what he has told me thus far, will be abstract to put it mildly, but he seems enthused about it, so I have no doubt it will be incredible; that or very very very odd. We shall see I guess. I think Zach wants to do the column thing as well, so there are 3 incoming. That is all fine and well, but I am looking for somebody else, somebody that most people who see this site wouldn't know or have talked to, or maybe just somebody who has opinions and wants to stay anonymous about them. I don't mean I want strife, though it would be fun, I just want something unlike the rest. Saying that, you must keep in mind, any content here now is all distinctly different. It makes sense, to some degree, and if you think you fit the description of a "different voice" then email me. Hey, if you come here, sign the guestbook, if you don't directly give me feedback, I wanna see who has been here, just out of my own curiosity NOW, on to content. A couple comments first. I have been told as a result of my initial posting, that my writing style is good, that I should give some thought to trying it out, I have been asked if I am always like that, I have been asked if I am okay, I have been told I am bitter(gee, that is a fucking revelation, lemme tell ya), but more than anything else, a lot of people seem to think this little venture has promise. That, or they are just trying to patronize what they think is a manic depressive. :) I hate cordless phones, I hate them. I have sold the damned things for 3 years out of my life. I used to have one at home, we have one here at school, stupid pieces of shit. Sure, the convenience is great, but the fact that in one out of every 2, the battery keels over, it makes me sick. See, it isn't a perfect product, the phone manufacturing companies put shitty batteries in their products. You think I am kidding? Nickel Cadmium is what nearly, if not all cordless phone batteries are. Nickel Cadmium is also about 10 years past its useful period of existence. The cycle of use of a cordless phone does not involve always using it till the battery is dead, then recharging it, which is the only realistic way to get good life out of a battery, half recharging it, or recharging it when it is not fully depleted, beats the crap out of it on a daily basis, which, I must say, is great engineering, they make a product that won't work well in it's designed function. The batteries are a HUGE margin item for manufacturers. You think they cost $20-$40 to produce? You are looking at some metal encasing some chemicals, and on top of that, most phone batteries are normal rechargeable batteries wrapped in plastic and linked by a wire that connects to the phone. The phone manufacturer doesn't even have to produce em, they can buy normal rechargeable batteries! Lithium Ion batteries, the reeeeeeeeeeeeally expensive battery upgrade you can get for cell phones, that is what we should be using, but alas, if the batteries last longer, Lucent, or VTECH can't sell you as many batteries, and they don't like that at all. Also, they shouldn't be that expensive, from a couple things I have seen, they are actually cheaper to produce than the Nickel Cadmium batteries. Also, have you ever wondered why only a few batteries are available at the retail level, not always the one for your phone? That's because the manufacturer can cut out the middleman of the retail outlet when you have to buy from them, which is often the only way to get em. Okay, so why all this? Because the cordless phone that is here, died, AGAIN, its battery is dying, slowly, it used to be able to stay on for as much as 5-6 hours maintained (I never tried more than that or even that much I don't think) without dying. Now, a few hours taps it, I think I was on for about 3-4 last night, max, and it fizzled, in mid sentence, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, it pissed me off. Granted, most people are not on the phone for 4 hours at a time, but It is all I've got right now, so I press on. On a side note, it may be a somewhat good thing it died when it did, cause I may have been going past what I am allowed to say, I think. I don't think I could ever make this person mad in that respect, but I feel bad for it quite often when I mess with(discuss, don't worry) stuff that isn't mine to worry about. Regardless of how correct I am, I gots to watch myself, I just get all weird and self righteous about certain things. Anyways, they are goodfornothing pieces of shit. For that reason, and others, I happened to have to(wanted to) get a phone for my room at home, cause there is a phone jack in there now. I bought a nice corded phone with caller ID from buy.com. You see, after YEARS of me trying any and everything, nearly spending my own money to get a phone jack in my room, instead of having to go to the damned kitchen to answer everybody else's phone calls, my parents always refused. However, the SECOND I am out of the house, they decide to put the computer in my bratty ignorant ass of a little brother's room, even though he didn't have a desk for it(i happen to), so they put the desk and computer in there for the little prick. Ah, but you see, he needed to get his email, and how could you do that without a phone jack. At first they strung a cord from my mom's room to his room, then they decided, ah hell, let's just cater to his every need. They put in a combo cable(see reference below) jack and phone jack in his room, and mine, after I was gone, of course. Ah, but you see, to beat all, the one they put in my room they put, BEHIND MY BED, that's right, I have to move my bed to get to it, and the phone cord isn't even long enough to go more than a couple feet , because it has to be strung under the bed. Goddammit, I just remembered something, I had to buy a phone cord last year because i needed a new one to hook the computer up with, it was 25 feet long, too, not this 10 or whatever my family fucked me with, and I paid for it with my own money, cause the family was in Florida. Sonofabitch, I bet it is the one in my brother's room now. I am going to send my mom an email today and bitch, I will get my phone cord, mark my words. This really pisses me off now that I think about it, beyond the obvious reasons, because not only did they screw me and take my cord, leaving me with all of 2 feet of possibility for phone placement, I paid for that fucking thing. I will post the mails both to and from my mom on this if they turn out interesting. ***On the cable reference, when I first bought my TV( I paid for almost all of it, and what I didn't have my mom let me borrow and pay her back, and oh yes, she made me pay it), I had to beg and plead for 2 weeks to get my dad to spend the 10 minutes to get under the house and pass the cable hookup into my room. Within 10 minutes of my brother getting a TV, which I still don't think he paid for, he was hooked up and watching perfect reception. Have you ever tried to watch tv without cable or an antenna, do you know how much that sucks? The spoiled little shit is still an ass to both my mom and dad, no matter how much they coddle the idiot, it is disgusting to watch. I'm done typing now, maybe later I will say more, who knows. 3.5.00 rant I don't know what I feel like harping on right now. I am just in general in a questionable mood, so i will speak on that. Well, let's see, there's this girl.....ha, most people who will ever go to this site know and are fed up with that topic, so I won't do that. I can honestly say about it though that it mildly upsets me constantly, literally. Okay, mildly may not be the right word, but oh well. If you think I am kidding or overreacting, then think about this, unrequited love is what I once considered the worst thing that could happen to a person, it isn't. The worst thing is when the feeling is strong, genuine, and returned in kind as much if not more so by the person you love, but you can do nothing about it. Trust me, it is the rough equivalent of happiness under glass, it is too thick to try your fists, and you have nothing to break the glass with. Oh, get this shit, I had to send my cd-r in to get fixed, or, more than likely replaced, the fucking thing won't read any format of data cds. Pissed me off to the point where I called the company about what went wrong, like 4 times, I even paid for the call(meaning I didn't use dialpad) one time. I am glad I did, cause I don't want to eat the cost, nor do I know that i could, of a new drive. This is not something that is allowed to be commented on (meaning the following), because if you do, I will make you cease to be. Trust me, I can do it. Anyways, here is what nobody can comment on: I have thought and thought about it, and even asked a couple of people(you know who you are) about this, I used to be hard to get to. I don't mean hard to annoy, I mean get to, affect, i.e. make happy or sad or the like. Now, I dunno what it is, I am not quite hypersensitive or the like, I wouldn't even call myself sensitive in that respect, but now one person can get to me. Only one, but somebody has access. It makes no sense, no sense at all. I mean, I was always a decently moody whore, and thought at the time I would call myself lonely, as much as I knew of that then. But now, damn, first off, I had no idea what lonely truly means. I am awash in a sea of good, close friends, I love every one of you dearly, but I am alone in my own existence. I am alone in a sea of people, if that makes any sense. People who are reading this and have been bombarded with my Erin stories can guess and probably know why I am at my current state, though it is actually much more than that. The current state of affairs is painful in and of itself, oh and did i mention that if I don't pull off decent grades, I get dropped from the university? I invite anybody reading this with a story they consider more painful than my own to write to me, ([email protected]), if it is good enough, I will put it here, or, if you prefer me not to, I won't. Keep in mind I have left almost all of my current miseries out of this relatively public forum, so don't be so sure you can compete. LOL, misery may love company, but I am now making it a contest. I gots to thank Billy Hunt for being my 800x600 sounding board, though he is running a 17 inch monitor, and should be at 1024x768, ah well. Thanks to anybody who reads this page and empathizes with it. If anybody wants a "column" or the like, I am more than willing to offer a forum to anybody who would like it. Share the link to the site with others if you like it, or if you just wanna mock me, I don't care. Das all I got for right now, it is 5 am ish, I'm going to go to sleep. G'night all. Sunday, March 5th, about 1 pm ish- I have decided to update this thing, a little, changing the immediate mission statement ever so slightly. I want everybody to send me your miseries, sob stories, call them what you will, I want to put them up here, and I promise anonymity. This is a today only thing, unless I get really lazy, or it turns out really well. I just got to thinking about it, and hell, why not? That is not some homage to my site's title at all, it happens to fit there, and was what I thought. But I digress, I would appreciate the input, and like I said, anybody who wants a standing forum, I welcome and encourage it, anonymity is also guaranteed for that if you would so desire. I have to stop saying anonymity, it is really getting repetitive. If I get enough submissions from people of their stories, I will consider posting the entirety of my story, for those who know some, or those who think you know it all, you don't know the half of it. If that is something nobody wants to hear(see), then fine I won't, but who knows. Like i keep saying, drop me a line, my email addy is littered throughout this thing. It's about that time people, I'm out. I got bored at about 6 ish, so decided to mess with a few new wallpapers, and posted one of them to the 1024x768 site. If you want to see it, click the link below the header, you'll be sent to the 1024 res site. Beyond that, I have edited a couple things for content in the above rant, and added a guestbook, as it says directly above this text. Das all I got for now, but keep the submissions coming, I have got about 4-5 promised to me thus far, and while that is a good number, I would like as many as possible. I think I need to define the parameters better, as it doesn't have to be a sob story in the strict sense, it can be any story without a happy or okay ending, if that makes sense.
  
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