CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF WOMAN

A new chemical element has recently been discovered.  Here for the first time is a description of its properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable.

Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed

Usage: Highly ornamental.
An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

BISHOP DIES BECAUSE OF ASS

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.  To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.  The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day. NB:  Please don't hold on.  Laugh it out.  Enjoy a belly laugh.

Laughter is the best medicine.

A little church humor        

1.A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    
2.The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"   

3.Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had  had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those  two men standing by the door? They're hushers."    

4.My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

5.I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at  bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the  prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into  temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.Amen."

LALOO MEETS GOD

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him, `God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton? God replies: `Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.' Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.

Gen. Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him, God when shall I see the capture of  Kashmir by Pakistan? God replies, `Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.' Hearing this Gen. Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.

Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him. `God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state? Hearing this, God starts crying. Laloo is astounded and asks, `God, why are you crying? 'God replies: `Son, I will not see it in my lifetime!'