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            A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation".

    The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?".

    The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

    The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

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Stammerer: "I hea..hea... heard tha...that you can hel...hel...help me".
Speech therapist: "Yes, sure.Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten".
Stammerer: "O...one, t...two, th...th...three, ..... eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"
Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."
Stammerer: "H...h...how mu...mu...much?!"

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        Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

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           A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:

• My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!
• My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
• My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
• My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can...do; those who can't...teach".
• My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
• My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
• My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to do it myself.
• My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now."

    The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing". The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".

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     You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine

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