1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming:"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr.Anderson."
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
11. Every time Elrond appears, shout out (in your best 'Dobby' voice) "Clothes! Master gave Elrond Clothes!"
12. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
13. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" see how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
14. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
15. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
16. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
17. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
18. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
19. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
20. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
21. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
22. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
24. After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go". *** 1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" *** 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."*** 3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." *** 4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick." *** 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read. *** 6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. *** 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).*** 8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. *** 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."*** 10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." *** 11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!" *** 12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove
up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
Subject: Short Sayings
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. *** I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! *** Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. *** I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *** You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. *** Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. *** Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research. *** I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing. *** Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. *** It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. *** Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. *** Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? *** MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. *** Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! *** Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. *** Procrastinate Now! *** My Dog Can Lick Anyone. *** I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? *** FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software. *** A hangover is the wrath of grapes. *** A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. *** STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere! *** He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. *** A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. *** HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. *** The trouble with life is there's no background music. *** The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Compiled by Amy C. Fleitas . Bankrate.com
Telemarketers are the ones we love to hate. Not only are their calls unsolicited and annoying, but they seem to come just as you are sitting down to eat or hopping into the shower.What do you do? Hang up on the caller or politely decline to listen? Get mad? Some people have made an art of playing with the telemarketers and getting a few chuckles along the way. We asked you to send in your clever responses to telemarketers' calls. Here are the best of the pranks.
-Speak to the little lady of the house We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin!
-Give them the man of the house When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.
-Have I got a deal for you Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call.
-I do Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.
You have reached my voicemail Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep."
-Funny you called "You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just (do, buy) it and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."
-From a country song "I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call."
-Have you planned for the future? When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.
-Reply in gibberish Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language.
-She's not here I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out.
-And you are? I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?
-Keep talking Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!
-What did I win? Sometimes I'll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I've won a prize. I'll exclaim, "I've never won anything in my life!" Then I'll ask for details on when and how my prize will be sent to me. And no matter how many times it's explained to me, I will never quite understand that I've won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something.
-I'm already connected If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.
-Ever hear of women's lib? My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."
-Phone flirting I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"
-How long do you have? Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."
-What's it worth? "Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"
-Call the cult "Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power."
-It's good enough for Cuba I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire."
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways
Football analysis by a blonde...
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
Ice Fishing A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?" The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.***
She thought General Motors was in the army.*** She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.*** She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.*** Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."*** At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." *** She tripped over a cordless phone. *** She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,"concentrate."*** She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." *** She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *** She studied for a blood test. *** She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." *** She sold the car for gas money! *** When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *** When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. *** When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. *** She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. *** If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. *** She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. *** She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"
Things I've learned from my Boy's (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
12. When the officer says, "Gee son, your eyes look red, been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with "Gee officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
11. "I was only trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, but, that shows you just how far ahead of me they've gotten."
10. "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does."
9. "Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!"
8. "I pay your salary!"
7. "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"
6. "Wow! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer."
5. "Are you Andy or Barney?"
4. "Hey, you must've been doin' about 130 or better to keep up with me! Good job!"
3. "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"
2. "Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in."
1. "If you can just hold this beer for a second, I can reach around and get my license."
Smart-ass Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Smart-ass Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart-ass Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the
cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing! , he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart-ass Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
And finally Smart-ass #5 - THE Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
-When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios" WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
-She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.
Just info that might be interesting to some.. Lots of people happen to like Coca-cola. I was a Marketing Management major in college, though. How any product or information is packaged and marketed can persuade some of the most intelligent (including me) to sometimes buy it. I didn't know the following about Coca-Cola.. Suzanne Sears (Excerpted from Suzanne's post) COKE No wonder Coke tastes soooo good: 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.*** 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.*** 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.*** 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.*** 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.*** 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.*** 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.*** 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.*** All definite proof that "Things go better with Coke." *** FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. This explains why Coke can dissolve rust. Phosphoric acid is the active ingredient in the rust remover Naval Jelly. *** Interesting ... Coca-Cola was so named because it used to contain cocaine. Now, Coke drinkers are tripping out on acid, instead.*** 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.*** 3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! I've never cared to drink the stuff myself (or any other cola, for that matter), and now I have several good reasons not to start.
HOW TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE 1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper. 2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 8. Practice making fax and modem noises. 9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss. 10. Make beeping noises when you back up. 11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." 12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way." 16. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 18. Honk and wave to strangers. 19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register. 20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. 21. type only in lowercase. 22. Don t use any punctuation either 23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 27. Ask people what gender they are. 28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down 30. Sing along at the opera. 31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about " psychological profiles." 33. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't to attend their party because you're not in the mood. 34. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this! (Note: this is an urban legend and is not true, but interesting anyway).
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her pupil. Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move, answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ? The teacher exclaimed in surprise. You know,explained the boy, I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....Da-ad.... What? I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water? No, You had your chance. Lights out. Five minutes later: Da-aaaad..... WHAT? I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?? I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!! Five minutes later......Daaaa-aaaad..... WHAT! When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him How do you expect to get into Heaven? The boy thought it over and said,
Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I can't dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddy's room.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: The big sissy.
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress? The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.
6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, Mommy, you are getting fat! I replied, Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy. I know, she replied, but what's growing in your butt?
7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.... His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing? The little boy answered, I'm doing my math homework, Mom. And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked. Yes, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math? The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition. The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, .... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling! The teacher paused then asked the class,
And what do you think that farmer said? One little girl raised her hand and said, I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter. Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, I'm Jane Sugarbrown. The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown 's daughter? She replied, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.
10 A little girl asked her mother, Can I go outside and play with the boys? Her mother replied, No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?
A man comes into the ER and yells, My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald,
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths, I instructed. Yes, they used to be, remorsefully replied the patient. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart. --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba , Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand. He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. Again, a flawless read Now both, I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester , MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one? I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bed-ridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered .. Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive. --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?
It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste, the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly. --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
And Finally . . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? She replied, No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener. --won't admit his name
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: Life is not fair - - get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from
them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Well here's an option I've never considered!
There will be no nursing home in my future......... When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night,
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on a Princess Ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. P.S. If you die they just dump you over the side, at no charge.
Gentle thoughts for today...
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words The and IRS together it spells Theirs.
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong
out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to
his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet!!...
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of
Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, I've lost my electron. The other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I'm positive...
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food in here.
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road.
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you?
9. Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'! That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. Is it common? Doc says, It's Not Unusual.
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, I was artificially inseminated this morning. I don't believe you, said Dolly. It's true, no bull! exclaimed Daisy.
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well, says the vet, let's have a look at him. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down. What? Because he's cross-eyed? No, because he's really heavy.
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high.
15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, Is the bar tender here?
HANDY ENGINEERING CONVERSIONS
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi~ 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton~ 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope~ Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond~ Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
~ Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong~ 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling~ Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon~ 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
~ Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower~ Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)~ 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake~ 1 million-million
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