"Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign." ~ William Jefferson Clinton, 1974 on President Nixon ~
Ninja monkeys are meeting as we speak, plotting my demise. -Bumper sticker
The Blues Brothers
Elwood: It's a 106 miles to Chicago. We got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it!
What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids...and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." * David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." * Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." * Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." * Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." * Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." * Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic." * Conan O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." * Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." * David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." * Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'" * Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box." * Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." * Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking US military official Colonel Sanders." * Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." * Jay Leno
"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush has learned all their names." * Comedian Argus Hamilton
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." * Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." * Jay Leno
"US Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." * Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early." * Jay Leno
Subject: Quotes -Forwarded
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war . Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go! You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off! I've got the toe clippers right here!' " --Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner ." --Lynda Montgomery
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" --Garry Shandling
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Johnathan Katz
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later I would think I was having a good idea but it would just be the eggs hatching."--Jack Handy
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." -Albert Eistein
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." - Galileo Galilei
"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." - Thomas Jefferson
*Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."----Russell Beland
*McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.----Paul Sabourin
*She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from the screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.----Rich Murphy
*Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.----Chuck Smith
*Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.----Russell Beland
*The little boat gently drifted across the exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.----Russell Beland
*Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.----Andy Lucas
*The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.--Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer
*The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.----Wayne Goode
*Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35mph.----Jennifer Hart
*They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.----Paul Kocak
*John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.----Russell Beland
*His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.----Chuck Smith
SIXTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
SEINFELDISMS:
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think the next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions? They're killing living creatures! Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space, but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do anyway? Did you ever notice, when you're sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up, too? Do we really think that we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Did you see the new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not!
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that�s why you feel smarter after a few beers
PART 2 ***BEER WORDS OF WISDOM****
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol Than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
-His reply, Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Sir, you're drunk! Yes, Madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
--If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson
DEEP THOUGHTS**By Jack Handey
***To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
***If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
***If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
***Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all get along?
***If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
***It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
***As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
***I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
***I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
*** Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
***What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
***Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
***During the middle ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
***PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
***DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
***ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
***MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
***GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
***DANNY PARTRIDGE: It saw our bus there and was naturally attracted...as one bird to another.
*** ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
*** KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
***SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
*** CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
***FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you people believe it?
*** FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
*** BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important papers, balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
*** EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
***BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
***LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
***COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
***VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
*** GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
*** SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
*** SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
*** RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
*** PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
***JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
*** GEORGE BUSH: I don't think I should have to answer that question.
***RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
***GEORGE W BUSH: We really don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There's no middle ground here.
***JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I'm now against it!
***AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
***RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
***COLIN POWELL: To the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
***RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
***MARTHA STEWART: If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I'd be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I'm a private person and shouldn't have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.
***THE BIBLE: And God came down from Heaven, and he said unto the chicken: "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
***BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
***JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
***VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some more of his gems:
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Think about it some more.)
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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