~ Your potted plants stay alive.
~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
~ You carry an umbrella.
~ You watch the Weather Channel.
~ Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
~ You go from 130 days of vacation time to 5.
~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
~ You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
~ Dinner and a movie: The *whole* date instead of the beginning of one.
~ MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
~ Grocery lists have more on them than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
20 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE 1. Sit up. Say, "Time to make the doughnuts." Leave. Do this often. 2. Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved. 3. Every night before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he or she brings it to you, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If the roommate ever refuses to bring you a glass of water,lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging noises until your roommate obeys. 4. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny. 5. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up. 6. Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away. 7. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune. 8. Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her. 9. Constantly drink from an empty glass. 10. Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves. 11. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start. 12. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them. 13. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning. 14. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation. 15. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty hamster cage,say,"I was curious." 16.Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket. 17. Aerate your underwear drawer. Claim that "they" are not getting enough oxygen. 18. Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate pictures. Complain that they were staring at you. 19. Get a surfboard and put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out" and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue you." Refer to them as "my hero" from then on. 20. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "Its time to go to bed now."
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK: 1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! 9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10.You can focus better with one eye closed. 11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 12. You fall off the floor... 13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you 16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh...." 17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. 19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... 20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,and [Women or Men]. 21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. 22. Roseanne looks good. 23. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. 24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. 25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 26. I'm as jober as a sudge.. 27. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. 28. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
Top Ten Signs That You're Suffering Semester Burnout: 10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell." 9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!" 8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing then Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..." 7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.. 6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee. 5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off. 4. You sleep more in class than at home. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag. 2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
College Habits to Bring Home 1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door. 2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals. 3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with. 4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner. 5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number. 6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house. 7. Use your calling card when calling your friends. 8. Walk to the post office to get your mail. 9. Yell "FLUSH!" 10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush. 11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall. 12. Take all your shower items to and from your room. 13. Get dressed in the dark. 14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine. 15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night. 16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell. 17. Order pizza every Friday night. 18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room by yourself. 19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space. 20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them. 21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you dont want to go out. 22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mailwithdrawal). 23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay phone in the house..
You know you are in College too long when... * You consider McDonald's "real food" * You actually like doing laundry at home * 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends * It starts getting late on the weeknights * Two miles is not too far to walk for a party * You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it * You'd rather clean than study * "Oh wow, how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night * Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal * Minesweeper (or Solitaire) is more than a game it's a way of life * You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps * You know the pizza boy by name * You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark * You live for getting mail * Looking out the window is a form of entertainment * Prank phone calls become funny again * It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on * Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless (no connection to the outside world) * You start thinking and sounding like your roommate * Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth * Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime * You find out milk crates have so many uses * Wal-mart is the coolest store * The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night) * You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long.
You Might Be A College Student If... You have the pizza delivery phone number memorized. You have ever shown up for class wearing the same outfit you wore to bed the previous night. Your idea of a square meal is a box of pop-tarts. You have ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and had to step over more than two complete strangers on your floor. It feels weird taking a shower without wearing beach sandals. You schedule your day around "The Bold and the Beautiful." You have developed a weekly ritual of waking up blurry-eyed on Saturday afternoons and proceeding to determine where the hell you are. It doesn't faze you at all to carry on a pleasant conversation with someone while taking a shit. A baseball cap and some binaca make an acceptable substitute for daily grooming. You have ever done laundry at 4am. You have ever sung from a rooftop. You have ever vomited from a rooftop. Or down a stairwell. You know approximately how many people can fit into your closet, shower stall, or trunk of your car. You have ever traveled anywhere with several bags of dirty clothes. You have ever seen a sofa fall past your bedroom window. On fire. You have ever paid $100 for a single book without batting an eye. You have ever sold that same $100 book eight months later, unread, for seven bucks. More than twenty percent of your household furnishings are made from milk crates. You have done a week's worth of food shopping at Walmart. You have ever heaved seventeen beer cans and a liter of vodka into a footlocker because someone at your door didn't use the secret knock. You have ever actually used some of the complex mathematical formulas from your physics class notes to determine the best way to "relocate" a granite statue. You know not to enter your room when a certain object is hanging from the doorknob. You have to lock up your television when you retire at night. You have ever been excited to find a pair of $15 jeans in you size. You have ever had to wait in line to brush your teeth. You have caught yourself using words such as "aggregate" or "egregious" in casual conversation. You have a calling card, but no phone. You have a credit card, but no job. Your hair color changes more often than the season. There have ever been more than nine people in your car at once. You can tell the time of day by the noise level in the hall outside your door. The "home fries" you were served at breakfast look suspiciously like the french fries you were served at dinner the night before. You have inexplicable urges to have various body parts pierced. You actually know someone named Sasha. Empty can or cigarette boxes make good room decorations. You have ever climbed from your friend's third-story window to your own fourth-story window becuase you locked yourself out of your room. You set your alarm clock for 8:50am to make a 9:00am class. There are usually a few people out jogging in front of your building at 11pm. You have ever spent the day shopping without purchasing a single new item. You call your auto club more often than you call your mother. You have ever opened your door and found a naked person hurrying past it. You have rediscovered afternoon naps. You have ever found yourself at a hospital emergency room seeking treatment for a "slam-dancing" injury. You'd rather go hungry than break off you Internet connection to order a pizza. You include "photocopying" in your monthly budget. You were in debt by $20,000 before your twentieth birthday. You have ever seen someone ignite a fart. You store your toiletries in a bucket next to your bed. You have ever been part of a team whose goal was to get a goat in a Volkswagen onto the domed roof of the administration building before dawn. People suddenly shut up while Letterman does the "Top Ten" List.
Dear Clive My Darlin' Son:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within twenty miles from your house so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. The place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though, cuz last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and ain't seen them since. The weather ain't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Cletis said it would be too heavy to send it in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We was really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your pa out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother...... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two other friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There ain't much more at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
This old Kansas farmer died and went to hell. The first day the devil asked him how he liked the heat (about 95 and 80% humidity). The farmer said it was about like Kansas in July ,no big deal. This upset the devil so when he got home he turned the heat up to 110 and the humidity to 95%. The next day when he saw the farmer form Kansas he asked him how he like it here now. The farmer said it was about like the weather when he plowed the fields after harvest and that he always kind of like it. The really upset the devil so when he got home that nite he turned the temp. to 30 below zero and the wind to 40 mph. The next day he walked thru hell seeing no fire or smoke he though to himself , this will fix that old farmer from Kansas. When he came upon the farmer he was dancing and waving his arms in the air. The devil asked him are you trying to stay warm? Heck no said the farmer - Kansas State beat Nebraska
How do you get an KU graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. The KU basketball team was placed in a remedial English class. "Because we are all new on campus we are going to start with the basics," the professor explained. "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal!" They all shouted with pride. Why do KU students put their report cards in their car windows? So they can get the handicap spot. Why doesn't KU have ice on the sidelines? The guy with the recipe graduated. What's the difference between a litter of puppies and KU fans? Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining. What does the average KU player get on his SAT's? Drool. How many KU freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's a sophomore class. What do you call a person from KU in a three-piece suit? The defendant
A woman was walking through her new house with the contractor. As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the bedroom she said, "I think this would be nice in a cream." The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and she said, " I would love rose in this area." Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be, " a glorious shade of mauve." Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,"GREEN SIDE UP!" Finally she could not stand this anymore. "What are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out very window of this house?" He replied,"I'm sorry. I have a crew of KU students laying sod across the street."
A quick test of intelligence. Go tigers! Football Humor... Q: What's the difference between a Kansas State cheerleader and Bigfoot? A: One is seven feet tall, has knuckles that drag on the ground, is covered with hair and smells awful. The other has big feet. Q: How are a tornado and a football player from Kansas State University similar? A: Eventually, they both end up in a trailer park. Q. How do you circumcise an Kansas State football fan? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q. What is blonde...brunette...blonde...brunette...blonde...brunette...blonde? A: A Kansas State cheerleader doing cartwheels. Q: What phrase is most often used by a Kansas State graduate? A: "Would you like fries with that?" Q. What do you call a good-looking girl on the Kansas State campus? A: A visitor. Q. How many Kansas State football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only the lettermen, and they each get three credit hours for it. Q: Why do Kansas State football players enjoy family reunions? A: Because it's a chance to pick up chicks. Q: Why doesn't Kansas State University teach sex education and driver's ed on the same day? A: Because they only have one mule. Q: Why does a graduate of Kansas State keep his diploma on the dashboard of his car? A: So he can use handicap parking. Q: Why didn't Kansas State have any nativity scenes on their campus last Christmas season? A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Q: How can you tell that too many Kansas State football players are getting into trouble? A: They hired Johnny Cochran as their defensive coordinator. Q: How do you starve a Kansas State football player? A: Hide his foodstamps underneath his soap.
A Tiger, a Jayhawk and a Wildcat are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total, "says the Genie. The Wildcat says, "I am studying to be an animation artist at Walt Disney World, my dad was successful there, and my son also has the right talent. I want Disney to forever keep its family values and success so that children in generations to come can enjoy the magic. With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' Walt Disney World forever kept its family values and everlasting success. The Jayhawk was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Lawrence, so that no one can come into our precious city." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Lawrence. The Tiger asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Tiger says, "Fill it up with water."
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