THE CENTER OF THE BIBLE: Did you know that:1) Psalm 118 is the middle chapter of the entire bible? ***2) Psalm 117, before Psalm 118 is the shortest chapter in the bible? ***3) Psalm 119, after Psalm 118 is the longest chapter in the bible? ***4) The Bible has 594 chapters before Psalm 118 and 594 chapters after Psalm 118? ***5) If you add up all the chapters except Psalm 118, you get a total of 1188 chapters. ***6) 1188 or Psalm 118 verse 8 is the middle verse of the entire bible? Should the central verse not have a fairly important message? "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." - Psalm118:8Is this central verse not also the central theme of the entire Bible?
The Burning Hut
The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied. Remember next time your little hut is burning to the ground - - it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God. Keep the faith Hebrews 11:1
Bible Tag The Bible in 50 Words***God made*** Adam bit*** Noah arked*** Abraham split*** Joseph ruled*** Jacob fooled*** Bush talked*** Moses balked*** Pharaoh plagued*** People walked*** Sea divided*** Tablets guided*** Promise landed*** Saul freaked*** David peeked*** Prophets warned*** Jesus born*** God walked*** Love talked*** Anger crucified*** Hope died*** Love rose*** Spirit flamed*** Word spread*** God remained
BRAIN TEASER There are names of 16 books of the Bible mentioned in the paragraph below. See how many you can find. (A minister found 15 books in 20 minutes. But it took him weeks to find the sixteenth one. Let's see how much time it takes you.) I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu; kept people looking so hard for facts....and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books of the Bible in this paragraph.
CAN YOU SOLVE THE PUZZLE?
Adam, God Make out of dust,
But thought it best to make me first.
So I was made before man,
To answer God�s most holy plan.
A living being I became,
And Adam gave to me my name.
I from his presence then withdrew,
And more of Adam never knew.
I did my maker�s law obey,
Now never went from it astray.
Thousands of miles I go in fear,
But seldom on earth appear.
For a purpose that God did see,
He put a living soul in me.
A soul from me God did claim,
And took the soul from me again.
So when from me the soul that fled,
I was the same as when first made.
And without hands or feet or soul,
I travel on from pole to pole.
I labor on by day and night,
To fallen man, I am a great sight.
Thousands of people young and old,
Will by my death great light behold.
No right or wrong can I conceive,
The Scripture I cannot believe.
Although my name therein is found,
They are to me an empty sound.
No fear of death doth trouble me,
Real happiness I�ll never see.
To heaven I shall never go,
Nor, to hell below.
Please try to solve this simple little puzzle. This answer is one word, found only 4 times in the Bible. Search hard and you are surely to find much more than the word � And when you find it you will say, �It�s so simple� �
Some old, some new
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. But please don't shove me either!"
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive so I don't want
them to take me out when I'm dead.
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "and why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Don't Argue with Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said," When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied," Then you ask him"
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute."
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at herm other and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown-up and say, There's Jennifer she's a lawyer,' or "That's Michael. He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head
of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take
only ONE. God is watching. "Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples".
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?A. Noah. He was floating his
stock while everyone
else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?A. Pharaoh's
daughter. She went down to the
bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?A. Jehovah drove Adam and
Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the
house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden? A. Your mother
ate us out of house and home.
Q. What's the phone number of the Garden of Eden? A. ADAM-8-1-2
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A.
Moses. He broke all 10
commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around
Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Christian elementary school test.
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had troublewith unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption,
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
IN GOD WE TRUST!
Versions of biblical stories as told by supposedly actual students. --Kim
"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."
"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."
"When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan."
"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony."
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."***Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.***Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.***Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.***Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.***The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.***Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.***The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.***A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.***At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.***Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.***The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.***Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.***Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.***The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.***For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.***During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.***Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.***Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.***The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.***This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.***Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.***Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.***This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.***Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.--prayer and medication to follow.***The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Belzer; the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
PRICELESS GRANDPARENT STORIES
you don't have to be a grandparent to enjoy these!! ~~
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these for yourself!"
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
7. Our five-year-old son couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'" (What English teacher wouldn't love that one)Subject:
Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close...."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant!"
Capitalism -- He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna -- He who play with most toys, wins.
Catholicism -- He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Angelican -- They were our our toys first.
Greek Orthodox -- No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians -- He who dies playing with the biggets toys, wins.
Atheism -- There is no toy maker.
Polytheism -- There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism -- The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist -- We are the toys.
Native American -- The toys are our brothers and sisters.
Communism -- Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai -- All toys are just fine with us.
Amish -- Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism -- The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism -- Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo -- Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism -- To heck with the rule book! Let's play!
Hinduism -- He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist -- He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ -- He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist -- Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses -- He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism -- He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism -- Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism --Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism -- We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism -- It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Wiccan -- Toys work best under a full moon.
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