Though the name I have taken for myself is Raven Shadowwinds, I am called Lady Raven by those who live in Ravngard and those who are dear to me elsewhere. Who am I? That is a complicated answer, dear one, though I will not leave you with empty hands. I am an eccentric of over 40 years with a pleasing mix of Norse-Celtic and Germanic heritage, with a dash of Native American to make things interesting. I am a perplexing and arcane type person. I am a creative writer who has had devotionals published in a reformed theological magazine, as well as poetry in various venues. I am an artist, mostly skilled in charcoal drawings. I am a photographer, whose favourite subjects include landscape, sunsets and sunrises, graveyards and historical buildings and anything done in black and white.

I'm an internet research enthusiast and web designer. I may not be the best but everything I know is self taught and I will help others if they pay me. I'm a voracious reader, of both fiction and non fiction having to do with Celtic, Norse, Confederate, Reformation, Renaissance, Medieval, World War two, political, philosophical or theological subject matter. I also enjoy vampires, werewolves and other "darker" gothic type themes. I'm an amateur historian, philosopher and theologian and self proclaimed sovereign of my own emotional/mental and intellectual kingdom.

I am a lover of personal freedom and self government and a non-conformist. I'm a confederate constitutional libertarian with very strong views on how the country has gone to Hades in a hand basket. I am a firm believer in a non-evolutionary constitution and very strict limitations on the powers of each branch of government. I don't like judicial legislation, executive orders and any goverment agency not alotted for in the constitution. I believe that if the south would have won the war of northern aggression, at least half of this country would be free.

As you might predict, I am rebellious against the norms of fashion - you may find me in public sporting a corset or gypsy wear and possibly even a period costume for no good reason other than I want to wear it. I don't like much of anything fashionwise which is business or "PC." Even when I work in an office you will not see me in a pair of dress slacks or a three peice suit/skirt outfit. I refuse to be "classically tailored" and I stick out in a crowd more and more with every piece of clothing or cosmetic I purchase. I don't do it for the purpose of attention, however regardless of what anyone else thinks I will always be very outspoken about that which I hold dear...even in the world of fashion.

While I am sure that is a lot of information to take in at once, I can assure you that this is but a mere surface understanding of me. If you feel you would like to go beyond the surface, poke around the personal areas a bit; you may be surprised at where I have been and what I have done.

I have called many places online home, I do post regularly on alt.gothic and alt.gothic.fashion newsgroups online with the odd post to alt.punk and misc.consumers.frugal-living. I used to post on message boards but gave that up a few years ago and haven't found a chat room which I am comfortable in right now. Too much trolling for "bed-buddies" and useless spamming takes place and it opens your email address up to people who want to send nudie mails. I also have a Live Journal which I just started. Hopeful that this will not result in too much spam.

In real life...other than this domain here, no one location has ever claimed me for long. I have chosen points south lately due to historical and political beliefs but I know full well that I can practice both in any location. Most people crave roots and stability. I have never known these things and while I have oft said I did crave them I know that I can do without them. I am the daughter of a Vietnam era GI who rarely inhabited a given dwelling for more than three years at a time. Eventually he retired to his home state of PA and it was there that I completed high school and began my years in college. Many of my father's people still live there and it is close to being "home" to me. I feel the same about my mother's home state of KY where many of her kin reside.

As a thoroughly ate up fundamentalist, I could not wait to go a small Christian College in Grantham Pa named Messiah College. It was not what I expected as my beliefs clashed with much of what was being taught there, but the fellowship of believers and the friends I made during those years were worth all of the trouble I went through in other ways. It wasn't the first time I was considered an oddity and it certainly was not the last. However, it was for years to be the last place I felt accepted despite the fact that I was so different from everyone else. As funds dried up, I was struck with the keen awareness that my talent in my chosen profession (education - the early childhood variety) was quite woefully inadequate. While effortlessly garnering exceptional marks in my General Education courses, I struggled to stay afloat in my major. "Hands On" experiences went from mildly negative to largely disastrous as the time wore on. It was evidently not the work I was created to do, so I never did finish that degree. Unfortunately the funds were not there to redirect a career and my college days ended.

This may not have ended with me being certified in a career, but it was not a waste of time for me. Not a single regret ever dances through my head on account of this time. I had many new experiences, was exposed to plenty of new ideas and grew rapidly in my knowledge of basic Christianity. I even had my first serious love during that time and the whole era is one of fond remembrance.

As is often the case, a body with half an education must settle for menial labour and it was destined that I should be no exception. Honest though these positions were, I became dissatisfied quickly and desirous of a new life rather than continue this path which failed to stimulate my mind or soul. I searched my inner being and my wallet and eventually followed my father's example and joined the USAF. I wanted to leave town, earn money for college and see a few places while assuming very little risk. Leave town and see new places I most certainly did, but the outcome was not what I expected a'tal.

As it went, most of my assignments were culturally enlightening and rewarding. 'Twas also the vehicle God used to start a marriage and create a few children. However, my idea that I should assume little risk in the service of my country met with searing frustration. There had been no wars since the Vietnam Era, but one day my husband and I were called into work early on an alert to find that the days of peace had essentially ended. The gulf experience had begun. It was not yet the hot war, it was called Desert Shield, but it shook up my world all the same.

It came on the heels of the birth of my first son. I watched as mothers from all over the US kissed their newborns goodbye and wondered when I would have to do the same. I was blessed in that regard and was not deployed but my sense of familial security was summarily shaken. I conceived three more times. One son died in infancy, a victim of SIDS. Another was miscarried. When my youngest was conceived amid a conflict that I could not justify mentally (Bosnia), I decided it was time that my service ended and I spend time with my wee ones. Their father was still in the AF and it was enough risk for them that he may be lost, the possibility that they would lose two parents was not justifiable in my sight.

Though I worked periodically after leaving the military, the largest portion of my time was spent as a stay at home, home-schooling mother. To that point it was the highlight of my time as a mother and the fulfilment of a lifelong dream. You see from the time I was a wee thing, I knew I was meant to be a stay at home wife and mother. 'Twas my loving and practical parents which insisted that I go to college. Not even just so but it was their insistence that I take a "marketable" course of study rather than the study of history or philosophy or art that my soul longed to take. This fulfilment of the dream made it all too easy for me to ignore the festering sore that most called a marriage.

It was better to ignore suspicions of my husband's constant unfaithfulness and pornography use than to give up the dream. It was easier to justify his verbal abuse than to go it alone. It was much more convenient to ignore the fact that he spent more time on personal pursuits than family, treated friends (usually females) with more respect than he did his wife, and never kept his birth family out of our business than it was to confront issues regularly. It was unacceptable to open my emotional box, face my fears, learn to be myself and live with my husband's rejection. Instead I chose to hide within myself and pretend things would get better with each new trip to the marriage counsellor.

After 10 years of upheaval, fighting, crying, begging, counselling and emotional abuse, my husband stepped onto a plane to serve a remote year long tour in Korea. Our Pastor had recommended we read a set of literature together and we promised to do so. It was part of the counseling experience. I had read the material prior to his departure and he was going to go through it with me over the internet as he read it. My children and I were sad, but our family culture breathed a cleansing sigh of relief when the plane flew away... I prayed to God..."I can take this no more. Either allow this material to penetrate his soul and change him, or allow him to destroy the marriage to the point it can not be repaired. Give me the moral and biblical justification to leave him if things must be the same when he comes back." Somewhere over the time we were separated, I knew in my heart that the end of the road had come.

Sadly, or happily, depending on how you see it...I had been correct. He found another woman with whom he'd rather make a life while we were apart. She appeared to be everything I was not. She was still thin, she was from a submissive culture which would allow her to accept in-law's interference in the marriage ("she understands me and what I need" he said). She was a small business owner, and rather successful, which would allow him to maintain a high standard of living ("I don't want to be poor and struggle the rest of my life so you can stay home and teach the kids to read" he said). She was still in love with and attracted to him. His rejection of me and everything I loved was utterly complete. I was a fat, outspoken, emotional, frumpy homebody who wanted him to give up his luxuries in order to spend time with the children and who demanded his emotional break from his parents.

He had to come back to the states to finish our marriage. I will give him credit that he confronted me in person. He could have taken an additional tour in Korea and tried to break us up from afar. He said he felt I deserved that, and I guess after almost 11 yrs I did deserve that. He also said he wanted to spend time with the children. It's my belief that as usual, he may have had the intent, but he definately could have scheduled his time better in that regard. In the end, though, our reunion was a platform for planning a divorce and loudly airing suppressed grievances. It was not good for the children and it became obvious the tension was not going to ease long enough to divorce while together, so I left. Besides, I could not stomach him calling his girlfriend in front of the children every day. I could not allow my sons to think that was acceptable or normative.

I moved to South Carolina to be with my parents. I can look back now and see how my parents got the home they did rather easily when it should not have been. It was the perfect size as far as what size it was when we moved in. The kids had a big yard and we had decent schools and neighbors and a wonderful church. They all held me up. Then came the time when I had to hold them up. My mother came down with lung cancer and died new years eve 1999. I was there to see to home care and to help Dad grieve. I was also there when Dad had back surgery. It was a hard time but one of great learning.

In regards to the marriage, the free for all ended as a calm divorce agreement through the wonders of the legal system. I've reflected many times on these events and have decided the only regret about the divorce I have is that I had no idea my ex husband was being physically abusive to my older son before our separation. Thus I had no real ammunition to make it an issue during the divorce. Thankfully, it has not occurred since the divorce as he sees them for a few weeks each summer at his parents' house, but I am ever vigilant in regards to the children. And they will not leave the country without me until they are 18 yrs old. Needless to say he is not my favourite person and I try to think on him as little as possible.

As one cannot feed empty bellies on dreams and child support alone, I have turned my hand to a variety of trades including janitor, manager, vacuum cleaner sales person, telemarketing, research, rental agent. Now I have returned to my first loves of freelance writer, artist and photographer. Things are a wee bit tight but we get by and all are happy. Being an artist and writer is a fulfilment of a dream which was suppressed for many years. Sometimes we get our dreams, just not when we ask for them initially. Sometimes we must carve out the paths to the dream ourselves which is not the work for those weary of heart. But 'tis worth it in the end dear one.

I eventually had to move from South Carolina. I experienced a loss of work for over a year and had to find elsewhere to live. The job market was very poor where we were so I temporarily lived with my sister in Maryland where it is much more favourable. Unfortunately the cost of living there is prohibitive. I learned a skill (photography) which has enabled me to transfer back to the south. Here I can afford to live, though not on a large budget. We will get by, as we always have. And we will grow as we always have. I've taken up crochet again and begun working on the "the rest of my life" as I heal from my past. I've had two relationships since my ex-husband.

One was with someone in SC who had many of the same traits as myself and also appreciated me for who I was. The two years I was with him resulted in alot of growth. I looked deep inside myself for hidden feelings, talents and desires and began to cherish rather than starve them. I began to accept my body and my temperment the way they were. I began to learn I had the right to have opinions and to express them and that I was a very valuable person. I had forgotten those things over the years since elementary school. He has told me he experienced similar things and learned alot from me. Unfortunately he also suffered from mental illness which resulted in behaviours that led me to not trust him. Now we are like brother and sister and I wish him the best in his new relationship and his future.

The next romantic involvement I had was not one I'd care to repeat. The man was very attentive and seemed to want to have a stable future together. He was a christian, a father, with a decent income. We did share some interests and he was very generous with material things. However, we are so different when it came to what we believed about life and I felt like he wanted to change me - something I was not going to let happen. I also wanted very much to change him. He was tempermentally wired so as to avoid conflict and to see such as a sign of impending doom. So he tended to worry about everything I was unhappy about and capitulated often. Eventually I did not respect him, and I do not think he respected me either. His behaviour became rude or careless and self-centered and I suppose I responded in kind. I wish him no ill will, and hope he finds the one for him. Though now and then he calls and I get the distinct feeling he wants to start over. I know we are not meant for each other. I've come to the conclusion that finding someone compatible with me is a very difficult thing and I don't need the heartache of trying to compromise for companionship.

Over the course of my life I have changed many things about myself. My beliefs have changed dramatically over the time period since I was in college. I am no longer anything close to a fundamentalist. I have embraced a fairly reformed belief system when it comes to systematic theology. However, I am also very Celtic in my worship experience and believe that small house churches and congregations are closer to the biblical truth than large corporate style mega churches. As I have found very little in any denomination which suits me perfectly and to pledge to a congregation which does not have the same goals as me seems wrong. So I am currently nondenominational.

I've come to embrace the fact that I am not a perky individual all the time and accept that I do not need to be. I have scars and wounds that may never heal and as long as I am willing to accept that, I feel I am living an authentic life. Despite what some professed believers may think, embracing and enjoying a dark aesthetic (such as gothic novels and sombre music) does not equal a love of evil and I can accept their disapproval. I no longer feel the need for people to accept me or want to be around me. If they do and can accept me for who I am, I am happy to share their company for as long as it pleases them. If they don't then I do not need their toxic energies in my life. I know myself better now than I ever have before. I have goals and dreams which I can reach and the company of family to warm my hearth. I have learned over the years to live without regret and to regard disappointment as an motivation for a change in direction. I ve strengthened my faith, discovered myself and learned determination. For all these things and many others I am very grateful.

Biographical Bullet Statements
* The Grey Fog
* A Mother's Grief
* Parallel Lives
*Trials

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