Please Queue Up And We Close At 6

Jeff goes on holiday to the U.K.

THURSDAY, JULY 13

If you're like me (and if you are, I'm sorry), you don't want an intro. So, let's just get rolling with my write-up of a holiday in the United Kingdom, a.k.a. the Mother Land, for us European-Americans. First, let's get going on flight Delta 10 leaving at 9:55 p.m. from Atlanta to London's Gatwick airport.

	The Mother Land

Surrounding me in the back of the plane was a mob of teens and many of their parents from the same high school near Sacramento, Calif., leaving for a tour of Europe. There are some cute girls, but God keeps whispering "jail bait" in my ear over and over again. Oh, well, at least the flight will be more fun.

I wasn't interested in the movie, Agnes Browne, starring Anjelica Huston, which you've probably never heard of, either. So I just listened to the Delta radio stations (there's a Contemporary Christian one now, which was fantastic) and worked on my crossword puzzle book. I didn't complete any, but there are about 30 that just need three or four more clues to be finished.

I sat in seat 35A on the window, next to a chap named John from Atlanta who was traveling with a friend of his sitting across the aisle. John was going to London for pleasure but his friend was on business.

I haven't decided yet if they were gay, but I got that vibe. There was something a bit too demure about how the "friend" tapped John on the shoulder to wake him up or when they talked. Not to mention the "friend" kept giving me weird looks when I was having the "Is this your first trip to London?" conversation with John. Of course I'm not gay -- do I have to say that? Does it sound homophobic, like saying "I'm not racist, I have black friends!" -- but it's nice to know that I could cause someone to be a little jealous or inspire his overprotective instincts.

John was nice, though, even if his "friend" never talked to me. Smart guys, too, John even used the phrase "lumbar support." I don't think I've ever said that in normal conversation.

As usual, the meal (fettuccini alfredo topped with chicken parmesan and a salad-like greens plus a roll and crackers) is never that good, but I devoured it as if I had just been voted off the island on "Survivor" and hadn't eaten real food in a month. Also, one becomes sadly aware of how big his belly (herein known as Earl) is when pressed against the food tray. This wasn't helped by the fact that the lady in front of me had her seat so far back I smelled strawberry all night from her long, curly, auburn locks.

FRIDAY, JULY 14

About 1 a.m. I experienced a rare gem of a funny sight. I just happened to look up from my crossword puzzle and glance directly across at one of the cute girls (okay, so it didn't "just" happen, I memorized what she was wearing and loved her blonde bob), who was reading a book. Apparently it was a horror novel, because coming up from behind was her mother, who whispered something in the girl's ear. Caught by surprise, the girl's rear end literally left the seat and she shook for five seconds, which seemed like 30. I giggled extensively for ten minutes, as the girl scolded her mother for frightening her so badly.

After that I became infatuated with her, as she was so animated, even when reading a book. She would get this surprised look, or angry, as if reading the end of a John Grisham novel and wondering why he doesn't know how to finish a book.

Flying over the northeastern U.S. and eastern Canada in an arc to London, we were still over land until 1 a.m., and the sun began to rise at 2 a.m. EST, which is a little unusual for me. Of course, it was early morning over the North Atlantic, and I decided it was the time to forward my watch five hours to London time.

Flying over the countryside as we approached the airport, we saw several castles which just made me more excited to be in a land that has experienced so much history. Of course, the strawberry-smelling-hair lady in front of me kept telling her husband that every castle was Windsor Castle. I have news for you, lady, NONE of them were. Windsor is so large and with the town and countryside surrounding it, I later saw, one would easily have been able to separate it from other castles from that altitude.

The U.K. at a glance Population: 59,113,439 (July 1999 est.) Area--comparative: slightly smaller than Oregon. Ethnic groups: English 81.5%, Scottish 9.6%, Irish 2.4%, Welsh 1.9%, Ulster 1.8%, West Indian, Indian, Pakistani, and other 2.8% Religions: Anglican 27 million, Roman Catholic 9 million, Muslim 1 million, Presbyterian 800,000, Methodist 760,000, Sikh 400,000, Hindu 350,000, Jewish 300,000. Source: CIA World Factbook, 1999

Landing at 11 a.m. GMT, we were told that the temperature was 16 degrees Celsius, or 61 degrees Fahrenheit. Awesome! Atlanta was at least 90 the day before, with 100% humidity, so this is heaven. The first few days were like this, under 70 and mostly cloudy, with a nice breeze. I could sleep with my window open every night in the U.K. because it felt so refreshing. Later, though, you'll see that I had to leave the window open at night.

My favorite part of the flight is the landing, because even though no one is going anywhere for the next five minutes, everyone jumps up in the aisle to grab their bags as if the ice cream truck were about to pass by when you were a kid. Getting up is not going to get you off the plane any faster than say, those two rows ahead, yet before the Fasten Seat Belt sign is turned off you can just feel the tension. I only say this, of course, because I was in a window seat, otherwise I would have leaped from my seat and grabbed my bag in anticipation of running off the plane in a mad dash before the wheels touched the ground.

After the cattle call and half hour wait at Passport Control, I met Dad and Danielle, who had already explored every inch of Gatwick since landing five hours earlier.

We took the Gatwick Express, a train that runs every fifteen minutes from the airport to a central location in London called Victoria station, also a stop on the Underground subway system. It costs about $16, or to be exact, �10.20.

The exchange rate favors the British, as it was approximately $1.58 versus the British Pound. Thus, if something cost �10, it is about 16 American dollars. Such an exchange rate makes the U.K. an expensive place to travel.

At Victoria we grabbed one of the nifty and abundant taxis to our hotel, The Plaza on Hyde Park. It's a three-star hotel, yet the room was about the size of my college dorm room, and the bane of my trip was to begin here, as none of the rooms on our two-week trip had air-conditioning. I know it only gets hot for a month or so out of the year, but that's no excuse for a country that attracts 11 million spoiled American tourists a year! I need my AC! At night and generally during the day I could open the window and it would cool off the room enough and provide a breeze, but I still felt bitter.

The concierges at the hotel were a godsend, extremely cool cats who knew everything about the city, and how best to explore. One of them even resembled the Gallagher brothers of the band Oasis, so I couldn't resist seeking out his help, although he never sang directions to me. They'll even admit that while you can purchase tickets through them, there are cheaper ways and they'll tell you how to save money and still get your tickets easily.

	Look, they're wearing jackets! 60 DEGREES! IN JULY! [click on photo for larger version]

After a brief nap by my traveling companions and a shower, we decided to walk through Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens next to the hotel, or as Fodor's travel guide calls them, "the lungs of London." Londoners should take pride in the amount of green space in the city, I was very impressed considering how little is available at home.

The park is huge, with plenty of green grass, shady trees, colorful gardens and a large man-made lake running down the middle. The walk was leisurely and cool, as cloudy skies automatically bring the temperature down 10 degrees, and it was marvelous. 60 degrees versus 90? Hmmm, which would you choose? And if you say 90 I will disown you.

	Mmmm, pretty fountain. Big statue. Mmmm. [click on photo for larger version]

After about an hour we made it through the park and decided to mosey over to Buckingham Palace. After meandering aimlessly on the crowded streets of London we found it and did the touristy thing of taking photos in front of the palace and the memorial to Queen Victoria outside the gates on The Mall, which connects Buckingham Palace, St. James's Park and Trafalgar Square.

Somehow I was deemed to be a great photographer, as four different sets of tourists (Asian, Scandinavian and other Europeans) asked me to take pictures of them in front of Buckingham Palace and Victoria's memorial. I obliged, but am nervous that I messed up! I can just see them getting back and excitedly looking through their photos for that shot of them together, only to be headless.

	See the world at the Circus. [click on photo for larger version]

Knowing we'd be back to the Palace later in the week, it was time to check out Piccadilly Circus, the Times Square of London. Contrary to the name, there is neither a buffet surrounded by carnivorous senior citizens nor is there a trapeze act. There may have been some clowns, but that is more opinion than fact. Every sort of person in the world congregates here among the shops and around the statue of Eros erected in the center of the area, which also includes the theater district. It's a little intimidating, with people milling about, some in a hurry, others with absolutely nowhere to go but on the steps eating or people-watching.

We were hungry, so Angus Steakhouse was tonight's choice, next door to the Burger King and The Gap. This is where I learned my lesson that if you want ice in your soft drink, you best ask. Also, if you want water, ask for Still Water, not Sparkling with carbonation. I don't know how Dad and Danielle can stomach that. I like my water plain, tasteless, odorless, just . . . wet and cold.

	Hehe, he said "trapped wind."

At the pharmacy next door I found my first differences-in-the-English-terminology curiosity, a medication for "trapped wind," otherwise known to Americans as gas. I think I prefer the word gas to the former, as it just sounds cleaner, because all I can think about is that if I take the medication, I'm going to release the wind, which causes problems for those around me. I'm amused as to why the English feel like adding unneeded letters to their words, such as "favourite" and "programme." I'm sure it looks good, but their kids have to hate it when learning to spell.

We took the Tube (the subway) back to the hotel. Their Underground puts Atlanta's to shame, as I expected. There are stations everywhere, especially to all of the top attractions. Of course, you have to change lines frequently, which involves getting on and off a few times and more long walks through the tunnels.

	Lots, and lots, of walking.

We did a heck of a lot of walking on this trip, so much so that when I returned to Atlanta after the GOP Convention in Philadelphia, I lost over five pounds during the journeys. This got me over a hump that I was stuck on for two months, despite eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted! I tell ya, exercise is the key, because the food in the U.K. was exquisite, apparently much improved from decades before when Americans would return from the country blasting the Brits for feeding them disgusting morsels of vittles.

The English staple of fish & chips is something they're very good at, as the cod is enough to fill you up for an entire day, and their fries rival Wendy's in my mind as some of the most tasty on the planet. While Dad never found his favorite, shepherd's pie, he and Danielle did feast on the soft-serve ice cream, which has a whipped cream touch to it that makes it close to ambrosia, the food of the gods.

We haven't met many English, unfortunately. There are so many tourists it is silly, so the Taxi drivers are the closest we get to a conversation with a Brit, and they are a colorful crew. Danielle expected one to belt out "Chim-Chimeny, Chim-Cheminey, Chim chim cher-oo" at any moment.

I soon discovered that Mary Poppins references were the easiest to make while in London, other than Monty Python quips and quotes from National Lampoon's European Vacation: "Look kids, Big Ben, Parliament!" was said at least two dozen times, always by me, which I'm sure drove Dad insane.

Our daily trips to the market near the hotel seemed like the closest we came to authentic London life, in a very quiet neighborhood with plenty of British folks and a nice, quiet, pleasant atmosphere. The market was small and tucked into a series of buildings, and like my Portuguese Playboy in Brazil last summer, I had to buy a copy of The Sun to check out the Page 3 girl of the day, always topless.

Danielle didn't have a chance to scoff at my chauvinism, as she conked out at 7 p.m. and would sleep 12 hours. I, despite having been awake for 31 hours, only slept 10. But how am I supposed to get to sleep when I'm watching television and a show called "Eurotrash" comes on? A show that features the weirdest shows on television on the continent, usually people that are naked or on their way to showing their birthday suits.

SATURDAY, JULY 15

The second wind that allowed me to remain upbeat and hyper yesterday, has abandoned me.

Waking up, my neck was sore, my upper thighs were sore and I felt a general malaise. Nothing, though, that a warm shower and some ibuprofen couldn't fix. Not to mention walking outside the hotel and reveling in the 60 degree temperature. Folks, in July when the HIGH is 60, life is pure and whole again.

	Al Gore finally settles on an image of the alpha-male.

We grabbed a taxi at 10:30 to Buckingham Palace in order to watch the ever-popular Changing of the Guard, where the British have a chance to show off their love of pomp and circumstance. There's a lot of pageantry involved, with pretty red uniforms and tall furry bearskin hats and mounted horse guards. We even saw the first woman guardsmen, from Australia, who started recently. We didn't watch the entire ceremony, as the crowds were 10 deep and the actual changing is long and dull.

Instead, we walked through St. James's Park to Trafalgar Square and played by the fountain with the pigeons. I bought some seed for 30 pence and put it in my hands so that pigeons would land on my arms for lunch. This is a very popular thing that kids love to do, and who am I but a big kid? It was fun, even if they are rats with wings. Some day I will get Danielle to do this. Oh, yes, mark my word, someday she will let a pigeon land on her arm.

	Jeff learns how to play with the contrast in PhotoShop.

Next up was more walking, down Whitehall street to see Big Ben, Parliament and Westminster Abbey. The Abbey was so crowded that we decided to try again Monday. So after the requisite snapshots of Big Ben and Parliament we hopped in a cab to Hard Rock Cafe so I could get my shot glass. The queue (or line, as we call it) was lengthy, and it took a half-hour to get in. We could have just gotten the souvenirs at the shop around the corner, but the line was just as long and slow, and we figured if we're going to wait we might as well get some lunch, too.

Another taxi back to the hotel to regroup, then more walking. This time the mile or so to Notting Hill for some shopping at the markets that line Portabello Street. It's a total chick place, but I did purchase a couple of pub signs that help fulfill my requirement that souvenirs should be of British stuff and not something I could buy at the mall in Atlanta.

Unbelievably Danielle bought nothing, so we grabbed a taxi to Harrod's department store, which might as well be a mall, since there are over 200 departments in the huge five-story structure. You can buy anything and everything here, from furniture to electronics to jewelry to clothes to meat and seafood, etc.

After setting Danielle loose to feast on the store, Dad and I sat at the cafe on the first floor to have a drink and try a British favorite, scones, which are basically glorified biscuits. In the end I only bought a little bear dressed as a palace guardsman that says Harrod's on the bottom of the foot. Hey, I know, it makes me sound wussy, but it will look nice next to my shot glass and other U.K. souvenirs. Danielle, again, bought nothing. I'm beginning to worry!

	Somebody, anybody, tell me what this sign means.

That was it for our sightseeing of the day. What? You expected more? How much do you think we can do in one day? Besides, everything in London closes early. The slogan should be: WELCOME TO LONDON, WE CLOSE AT 6. That's when all touristy things close for the night, even though it's light out until after 9, and there is so much to see. Harrod's was innovative though, displaying signs announcing that the store was staying open late until 7 p.m. Wow! That's practically the middle of the night!

The Internet cafe was only a five-minute walk from the hotel, and truly a godsend to keep up with the world. Logging on for an hour was about �4, and very much worth the cost. I looked up the Drudge Report only to learn that Mad Cow disease was found in English cattle again, so maybe I should stick to chicken the rest of my time here?